[sunsetsunrise]

Hello
I do not usually post here. Today I went for a hearing before a judge to try to get psychiatric disability. The judge was kind enough to wish me happy birthday. Yes, I went before the judge on my birthday. I had to hear, from the attorney, a lot of things that are excruciatingly painful to hear. I do not know how to forgive myself for being this way. I have had to make some peace with records dating back as far is when I was a child. And then all decades after that. Some were hard core psychological evaluations. The self loathing and intanse shame I a feeling is debilitating while trying to accept that this has been chronic all of my life. I do not have anything that normally would be considered what people are born with. And yet, here I am. So ashamed I just want to sleep. Horrified and in great self blame. Do not even want to leave the house. Dont quite know where to turn. This put me into crisis which bothered my therapist. So I told her i would be back when I could get back to work integrating the child part of me that needs this. but I would have to wait until the crisis is over.

The deep shame of listening to how I was described is like a violation. I cannot fault anyone for saying these things. Because all or most are true. Although I do not think the idea of DID is correct. DD is more like it. After so many decades of mental illness, I feel little hope that this is anything less than chronic and persistant. I guess I am angry, grieving and in deep pain. I cannot leave the hose feeling this way. And no one calls. So I am writing here. Thank you for reading this. I just need a safe place to be. With safe people. With very best to you all Pat

[Rohag]

Hello, Sunsetsunrise! You've not had the kind of birthday I would have wished for you. Nevertheless, may a little bit of wonder relieve your heart of a bit of the sense of shame.

Peace.

[slowinmi]

(((((sunsetsunrise)))))

What a terrible experience that must have been for you to sit there and hear that. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. Hopefully you will never have to do something like that again if your disability was approved.

Happy Birthday!!!

slow

[Junerain]

(((((((((((((((((sunsetssunrise)))))))))))))))

I encourage you to express yourself more here, become a permanent member of our community.....I, too, am on disability though I still work and have an extremely active life

I come to PC to read and hear deep things, as my life has been deeply matters, mostly sad, but some true and real happiness in my recovery

You could be one of the people that reaches out here and helps others, I have a feeling you are good at that...

Welcome to PC, I hope to hear you express even more....I can share my story with you if you care to PM me.....

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/psycholog...itterness.html
http://www.commonsensepsychology.com/forgiveness.php
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

[Junerain]

Good links, TheByzantine

[sunsetsunrise]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate the words of support as well as the good links. I have been a member of pc for more than a year. Just do not usually participate in the forum area. Sometimes I do write the words. But then do not click to actually post them. I am more of a forum kind of person. But even that has been hard. Because I am not in condition to help people these days.

I appreciate the links. Will work on that. Thanks again all, for the words and the recommendations. With love and wises for huge blessings, Pat

((((( sunsetsunrise )))))

[sunsetsunrise]

Thank you Byzantine ((((( for you and all those who would like a safe hug ))))))

(((((((sunsetsunrise)))))))-read your reply to Evening; then scrolled here----Please be a part of the Community? You gave Evening a great deal of sage wisdom.

I agree wholeheartedly with Junerain; you have so much to give us all.--with all sincerity, theo

[la doctora]

I am so sorry you had such a crappy birthday. I want you to know that you aren't alone. I have done some very terrible things in my past and I can't forgive myself for them either. I think of them every day and they bring me down to the dumps. I surely sympathize with you. I hope that things are looking up for you soon and you are able to move past the past. I wish I had advice for you on how to do that. But I really just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and I understand how you feel. Hugs out to you.

[sunsetsunrise]

Thank you Theo. I appreciate the kind words. Very much, actually!! I did make all the posts because of what Junerain said. So your words, her words have made a difference. And thank you la Doctora for your words. Perhaps the most destructive thing we can do is to condemn ourselves. I think condemnations build very unfortunate walls. Especially when we condemn ourselves. Thanks again to all. and huge wonderful blessings

How are you doing sunsetsunrise?

[Helpmegetbetter]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, especially on your birthday. Hope you're feeling better now. Take care of yourself.