I tend to post too many words and talk to much and it pisses people off..so I'm just going to come out and try to ask this point blank.

This question is only for parents whose "children" are adults.

If your son/daughter asks you for help.. and after months of debating it and questioning it.. you decide to offer that help..

Do you feel that you have a right to know all the specific details of WHY they need your help? Do you NEED to know? Where is the line drawn between privacy? Do you help with no questions asked because for the simple fact of "helping" and being "supportive" ? Or do you need to know WHY they are in this position and came to you?

Note: We're not talking about asking for money nor anything illegal.

It really does depend on the type of help that they are asking for, if they are asking you to do something illegal I would need to know a little bit more to make sure of two things, number one they had not crossed the line which is murder or peadaphil activity, two to see if there was a way of helping them without performing an illegal act.

Other than that if they seemed or felt as though they did not want to tell you I would have to trust in their judgement and if I was able to I would help.

[Shangrala]

My approach would be to ask them if they care to share the details of what's going on. If they choose not to, then I respect that.

Since you say that this is not regarding money or any illegal act, then I assume they just need support in redirection of some kind..something they cannot obtain on their own at this time. I'd ask for the basics of why my help is necessary, as I am entitled to know what my help is for. Aside from that, their privacy is their business.



Shangrala

[Perna]

I think help is like a present? And in that regard, one gives it (or doesn't) but what the one that has been given to does with it is up to them. I know some people get upset because they give help or advice or something to another and then complain about the other person not following the advice or "wasting" the help/opportunity, etc. but that's only for the person whose it is to say. I have an extra X and you say you'd like to have an X so I give it to you. Doesn't matter if you already have 42 X's or use the X to club Y over the head with it; my only part is in deciding to give/not give my X. I cannot know you are going to use it club Y with it, even if you tell me you are; yes, I should take that into consideration if I suspect it but I have no right or even business asking you, "You aren't going to club Y with it are you?" I do not have to give X and if I have a problem, a worry about Y being clubbed, that's my worry, not the person to whom I'm giving/not giving X to or Y's. One makes a decision for one's self, not the other.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Been there done this with all of the kids at one time or another. I think that if they are coming to you with a request for financial help, you deserve to know the details and what you are getting yourself into.

Friend of mine helped her daughter to buy a house, money was supposed to be returned when the house was sold. Daughter got married, husband's an AH beat the daughter threw her out of the house with the kids, and refuses to sell the house to repay the money.

So my friend is having to sell her house (which her daughter and grandkids are also living in), and they lost most of their savings in the financial crisis (damn good excuse for financial institutions that was). They are retired so they have no wage coming in...most definitely ask for details and don't think too much with your heart...

Cheers,

Rhia

[kuddly]

They are your kids. Are they trustable? I always help my kids out. Now, once I found out why and my son was using it for drugs, but had I not helped, I would never have known, and thus never have gotten him help. Now he has since graduated from college and has a great job. Family comes first.

[Karen1933]

When she asked I helped, when I learned that some of it was to obtain illegal drugs, I pulled back and set limits. What I have learned is that you will know when they are truly wanting help or are expecting to be enabled.

I learned way too many things over the past 5 years the hard way. When dealing with an unmedicated 19 year old with bipolar, the rules change dramatically.