[phoenixangel]

I am 33 and have lived a lifetime of depression and identity questions. I have ADHD, BPD, depression (as said before), GAD and Bi-polar (not really sure if I believe that one). I have always wanted and needed my child and have wanted another but seem to not be allowed to have another. My son's father and I have different families now and I have always had primary custody of my son. We talk, nurture and try to understand the other as he has Asperger's, ADHD and ODD. Boy, I know we are a pair! Anyway, he is getting older and after all the years of his father not spending a whole lot of time with him and growing his own family to include two more children and never actively showing concern or interest in my son, my son is wanting to "try" living with him to spend more time with his father and siblings. I am terrified. I have such a dependancy on the love of my son and the function he gives me as a mother and care giver that I don't know how to survive without him. I have not been able to "cure" his disorders and think that maybe with all that I do it's not good enough, but that makes me so angry because I have tried so so hard and can't bear the possibility that his unenvolved father and new family could just step in and fix everything and make my son happier despite the pure love I have for my son and tell him everyday. How do I function or let go or be at peace with not giving my son what he wants. Being BPD I have issues with idenity and when the only one I can grab onto is jeopordized how can I sainly let it go without destoying myself? All this helps increase my panic and paranoia, anger and depression; it seems that no matter what I do someone will be damaged and I don't want it to be my son in the long run. I want a good relationship when he gets older unlike mine with my mother. Please help does anyone love their BPD mothers??? Has anyone made that choice and survived??? Am I doing what's best or being selfish? (They will not provide the same intensity of theropy with him as I do if that matters. The father has repeated stated how he doesn't have the time to get him to these professionals.) Why does it seem like that although other kids of perfectly "normal" families who say they want to stay with someone else it can be laughed off but because I have phyc issues I have to seriously consider losing my child???

Hello, phoenixangel. What a difficult situation. How old is the boy? Does he know the importance of the treatment he is receiving? If his father will not take him for treatment, can you?

Your son said "try."

Are you in therapy? Whatever is decided, you are going to be experiencing a lot of stress. Therapy would be beneficial.

I wish you the best.

[Perna]

Yes, I would accent that it is an experiment for your son but think you do not do yourself justice! Look at how hard you have worked with your son; why do you think his father and siblings would be able to just "walk in" and cure him? You know how difficult your problems are and his, they have not experienced that.

I would think of it as an experiment; you and your son talk together about what he'd like to get with living with his father and half-siblings and what you would like to get, working on your own and having total freedom to work on your own issues, live your own life. No matter whether he goes or not, he won't stay a boy forever, will go out on his own eventually; you should be working with your own life some, taking time for your self and your own happiness; we each have to make our own way, no one else can do that for us.

[(JD)]

I also think it depends upon the age of your son. Since you say you both discuss your disorders and try to give each other support, I do think he's old enough to discuss this situation with you.

First, I'd put whatever agreement you two come to in writing so both of you have it to refer to later, and it won't be "but you said but he said" situation.

I would allow him to go, for a limited time (agreed upon by both of you.) By having this is writing, if his father tries to say you gave up custody, you'll have it to prove otherwise. (Unfortunately, you never know.)

I'd make sure it's you son's desire, and not a push from the other family. I doubt you'll find out by asking yes or no questions, but by allowing him to share all the reasons he wants to try this.

I would also have him agree to go to his therapy. Regardless. If his dad won't comply, then he can't go. Period. Why would you think anything less is good for him? You already know how tough it is to deal with such disorders, and you're thinking of letting him quit the professional help he needs to survive in the future on his own?

(You need to get it in writing from the dad, if he agrees. Notarized?)

You need to agree to contact between you both, and time. You both need to do things together, not a 30 second phone call once in a while.

I'm sure you can think of other things to discuss with him, about his expectations for a good outcome in this, and how it might not work and how it won't be his fault etc?

Good wishes.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Everyone has given such great advice...I hope it goes well Phoenix

Rhian

[phoenixangel]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, phoenixangel. What a difficult situation. How old is the boy? Does he know the importance of the treatment he is receiving? If his father will not take him for treatment, can you?

Your son said "try."

Are you in therapy? Whatever is decided, you are going to be experiencing a lot of stress. Therapy would be beneficial.

I wish you the best.

***Yes I'm in theropy, he's 10 and no there seems to be no time for treatment at his dad's. He's knows the importance and understands why he is in it, but doesn't seem to utilize it in his day to day living. Just thought I'd clarify your questions.

Thanks, I wish you and your son the best.