[barleysmile]

Help. What do I do when I live with an emotional abuser. I'm trying to turn my life around. I'm making progress but my sister berates me at every turn. I've been out of work for about two years. She has let me stay at her place with my son(20). My self esteem has been broken and unusable since childhood because of an emotionally abusive family. My twin sister was our mother's favorite and it shows. She was always aloud to put me down but she was defended from my self defense without hesitation. Now I'm having to live with her because I have nowhere else to go. She's also an attention seeking hypochondriac. She's having endless testing done for cancer. Nothing comes up positive. She's had a boipsy, CAT scan (2ce), sonogram and blood work. She has a vit D, B12 deficiencies and high uric acid and her doctor told her (apparently) that it means she has cancer. She complains about money and is 'so scared' for her health. But she won't follow the doctors simple instuctions like no meat, more fruit and veg, lose weight, etc. My bed is literally in her dining room. She won't allow it in the carpeted living room. She says the living room is 'hers' and she doesn't want my bed messing it up. So I'm sorta in the kitchen. She's hurting for money because of needless doctor and hospital bills. I've eaten nothing but fruit and veg now for two weeks. I'm exercising but she wants me to do walking exercises not the floor exercises I've been doing. She's being a control freak. We're out of fruit and veg because she's been buying turkey and dressing with gravy and cranberry sauce and chilli with club crackers. Expensive foods and ones her doctor took her off of. She's willing to spend 1000's $ on medical testing but refuses to save money by eating right. I know she's lying to her doctor. Her doctor has threatened to drop her for being non-compliant. It's just that I'm doing what she's supposed to be doing and frankly, it's pissing her off. The more it becomes apparent she doesn't have cancer the meaner she gets. After her biopsy came back clear she had a short depression until they agreed to give her a CAT scan. That was clear too. Pretty soon I'm going to have nothing to eat but her fattening foods. I'm morbidly obese and looking for work in this economic environment. She's doing everything she can to undermine my self esteem and my weightloss. She literally screams at me that I'm agoraphobic, morbidly depressed and that I need to work on my self esteem! Yesterday she slammed her hand down on the counter banging on things screaming. I should be applauded for how I've turned my eating around and been increasing my exercises. The more weight I lose the more she screams and puts me down. It hurts. It hurts to know my family's contempt for me is unconditional. Love and nurturing will never happen for me from this family.

I just had a green smoothie. She just had frozen pizza. Yet she accuses me of not caring about her health. I always ask her if she wants to share in what I'm preparing. She always says no. She's a liar and manipulator and causes trouble for me with others too. I can't leave. I have no job and no money. At 44 I can't believe my twin can still make me cry.

[Perna]

barleysmile, I'm sorry you're in such a situation. I think I would rather live at a homeless shelter than in that environment. I don't think, since it's your sister's place and her money that there is a whole lot you can do with how she runs/spends it. I would figure out a way to go somewhere else so I could better get on with my own life instead of having to be so close to your sister's problems.

Hello, barleysmile. Have you called county services or your state government to find out what assistance you are entitled to? If you want to live on your own, you may find you are entitled to housing assistance, fuel assistance, food stamps, medical assistance, job retraining, etc. Have you applied for Social Security Disability Insurance benefits?

NAMI may be able to advise and help you: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sec...iateFinder.cfm

Good luck.

[lynn P.]

I agree with the other posters - better to see what social assistance can offer, rather than living with your sister. I'm sorry you both are at odds.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I agree with the others too. It must be hard for you both. I'd be looking for my own space where I could be comfortable and have a place to call my own. But I wouldn't think being hypochondriac is fun either; from what I have read it is very debilitating and exhausting and scary, not to mention the costs involved.

But I do think you can be happier in your own space where you don't have to contend with her anger, lack of self control (which obviously bothers you a great deal), allow yourself the luxury of finding out about the services mentioned by Byz, if you are on the entitled list for these things with your health and mental health issues then you should apply for them and have your own safe space.

Please keep posting and keeping us up todate on your situation so that we can keep supporting you and cheer you on. I've been in the position once of having to stay with my sister and it wasn't fun believe me. It's easier to get along when you don't know someone and are just housemates because the dysfuction of family relationships can't barrel its way into the equation.

[barleysmile]

I don't qualify for anything more. I was on food stamps for a while but that benefit runs out quickly when you don't have children or disability. You are right about my being unable to do much. I'm walking on eggshells here. The price to be paid. I've looked into shelters but some charge and the ones that don't charge limit the number of days you can stay. I live in a big city and our shelters are overrun.

As for feeling sorry for my twin, if she were sincerely concerned or worried for her health it would be reflected in her behavior. I know for a fact that frozen pizzas are not on her list of what's appropriate for her to eat when she has a fatty liver. This is just her manipulative, attention seeking way. I was brought up to give in to her and tell her how justified it all is. This is triggering all my self hating behaviors. Including binge eating which I didn't give in to. Not being able to turn to my usual coping mechanism is compounding my pain.

I think I reached out more for sympathy than because I thought anyone would have a solution. All I can do really is to keep looking for work, keep eating right and exercising. I can't let her derail my progress with her derision. I handled this morning well though and we're back to friendly. She comes unhenged but it gets spent and then she's better. Unfortunately, 'handling it well' is emotionally exhausting for me. I needed you all this morning and I really appreciate your responses.

BTW so you know, I'm never disrespectful, rude or challenging to my sister. This is her place and she was kind enough to open it to us. It's just had the unfortunate effect of re-establishing emotional abusive patterns of our relationship. I posted this morning because I was hurting from a fresh wound. Thank you, everyone, for being here to give me someone to reach for.

Sorry for being more fixer than a good listener, barleysmile.

Congratulations on not giving in to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I wish you well.

[Elana05]

Hi barleysmile,

Sending good wishes your way.
We all deserve to be respected.

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Seek counsel from a professional and take it from there.

Have a good one.

[barleysmile]

Originally Posted by Princess_Obsidian

Greetings,

Seek counsel from a professional and take it from there.

Have a good one.

I've had counseling in the past with limited success. I wasn't diagnosed with anything. My family is emotionally abusive. My psychiatrist said she thought my mother had multiple personality disorder after my family came to one of my sessions. After digging through my health records it became evident I'd been molested by her father and there was a cover up. I tried to find counselling recently but I have no money and haven't found anything I qualify for. Seems like everything is geared toward drug users. If I'd been adicted to drugs I'd have no end of help. I found this site in my search and I'm getting what I can out of it.

Turns out I've had a breakthrough with my sister. She's interested in becoming raw vegan with me. It would fix many of her health issues and it would be supportive to me and my choices. I also think her temper would be softer if she started taking care of herself.

Everyone who has posted has helped me. I'm genuinely grateful. I will recover my life. I'm doing well on my diet. It's healthy and I feel strong. I've weathered my sister's refusal to change. Looks like I'm wearing her down by example alone. She's always been the money maker and I've always been the nurturer.

I appreciate everyone here. You are a part of my journey to change. I need you. Please don't turn away. I've been honest about my shame. It hurts to admit where I am. I have sought help and this site is what I found and it does work. My confidence is growing.

[sunsetsunrise]

hi Barleysmile. I am glad that your sister is willing to help herself a bit. I can imagine it must be very hard for you to be living in those conditions. I am glad that you are posting here for support. This is a good place for that.

I lived with someone who was emotionally abusive. I remember all too well how it was. For me, the thing that was most difficult about emotional abuse is that there were no visable scars. Although it surely did further errode my already developed lack of confidence and self esteem. By the time I left, I felt that anything would be better than the emotional abuse. Sending blessings your way.

[lonegael]

Barely smile, I am so glad that you have managed as well as you have in spinte of how difficult this s for you. I hope that you'll be able to accept your sister's interest in your diet and a reprieve from her nastyness without expecting too much from it; she probably will lapse into her meaness again, but at least you have helpd her this much and gotten a break. You are a wonderful, strong person, and I hope that even if she can't respect you, yourealize that we here certainly do, and we se a lot of folks come through here... HUGGGSSSSSSS, dear, and hold your head up.

[barleysmile]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Barely smile, I am so glad that you have managed as well as you have in spinte of how difficult this s for you. I hope that you'll be able to accept your sister's interest in your diet and a reprieve from her nastyness without expecting too much from it; she probably will lapse into her meaness again, but at least you have helpd her this much and gotten a break. You are a wonderful, strong person, and I hope that even if she can't respect you, yourealize that we here certainly do, and we se a lot of folks come through here... HUGGGSSSSSSS, dear, and hold your head up.

Yes, I am excited about her interest. It's a dance to encourage her without pushing so hard she fights back. I'm working on my own change now though. I have to make a living. Your response is very nurturing and reassuring. I appreciate your words so much. I feel like I've taken a big step toward being able to protect and nurture myself. My goal is to be independent emotionally and materially. The trick is not to change her but to learn autonomy.

I know you have looked for assistance in obtaining treatment. Perhaps you might benefit from what DocJohn has to say here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/fin...therapy/all/1/

Also, it may be worthwhile to talk to NAMI: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sec...iateFinder.cfm

Good luck.

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Originally Posted by barleysmile

I've had counseling in the past with limited success.

There are many professionals out there who can help you. When I recommend seek counsel, I do not necessarily mean therapy. I mean going to seek advice(a.k.a counsel), from a professional who is trained in the field your problem fits into. After all, they would know what to do, who to direct you to, etc., if they feel you truly are in need of assistance.

Of course, when it comes down to it, you must be the one who makes the decision/s of what action/s are truly needed for you to move positively forward with your life.

Best of luck to you.

Have a good one.

[Shangrala]

Hi, Barelysmile~

I noticed that you mentioned that you have the inclusion of your 20 yr old son living in this arrangement, as well? Did I understand that correctly? If so, I was just curious what contribution he provides in this situation.

With the fact that most means of your resources are exhausted, which of course leaves you few options, therefore most of your time is spent in that house and in her company, (being around each other too much), perhaps volunteering your time in something which you enjoy might provide you some great relief.

It'll get you out of the house, provide you (both) time apart to breathe, allow you to nurture your own self FOR self, open and maintain any windows of opportunities.
Also, there are organizations within your community which provide free counseling and support groups which you can attend to seek emotional support or to improve your chances for some kind of employment (either through some sort of employment placement or employment training courses). All are free.

I have a family quite similar, so I can personally relate to some of your struggles. In my past there was a time where I had faced a situation where I had to choose between family or transiency, and sadly (without second thought), I chose the latter. However, I had no kids then, which, naturally made the choice much easier.

I truly hope this situation improves for you and that your perseverance for self-improvement (despite the odds) will prove to be the positive motivation your sister needs, as well.



Shangrala

[barleysmile]

My 20 yr old is also trying to find work. He just finished his first year of college last year on the Pell Grant but due to living circumstances it's on hold. My sister and I do not spend time together. She works most of the time. I do the housework and cooking. It's not that we don't get along, we do.

I'm registered on WorkinTexas.com. They have resume building classes and computer testing, etc that help people find work. I'm getting help with that. I just popped onto this forum to complain this once because my sister went to far and I couldn't cope.

I know what you mean about choosing against going with family. My son and I did actually visit some places to see if it would be a viable option. Everything had limits. Apparently drug addicts get a lot of help around here. Everyone else is expected to sort themselves out.

I will get out of this. My son needs to finish college in peace. His birthday is in October! Must have something by then. I've looked into voluteering (thinking it would open up some opportunities) but transportation was a problem. If there's a way, I'll find it. I'm focused but flexible and I know what I want. The important thing for me now is to stay active, work on self improvement, stay on top of my job search and be ready to jump when opportunity presents itself.

This website has helped a lot. I feel less alone being able to reach for others on the forum when I need to. I'm not really as out of control as I seemed on the post. I did try to get help. That's how I found this forum. I don't have a dime so 'discounted' counselling really won't help. If they don't do something about this economy, they'll have more than me looking for counselling they can't afford.