I am liquid

"I'm done." That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Then I ask myself "what am I done with"? I start going down the list of things I am involved with in my life. I don't feel like I can or want to quit many of them, then I think "I'm not okay". But I am okay. Really, when I break it down, I am okay.

I feel empty and anxious. I feel like I can't breathe, but I can. I feel like I need to put more effort in...but how? I just get started and I lose ambition. It loses meaning. I try to push thru anyway and it collapses.

My T tells me that I am in a liquid state. You know, between being a caterpiller and a butterfly. I am vulnerable. This thought gives me hope and scares me, paralyzes me. There are so many things pending. Do I need to be patient and let them happen...or not happen? Is it time to take action? If so, what direction do I start out in? What do I want? What do I need? How do I figure that out?

It seems that everytime I try to live my life for me, certain relationships get messed up. I know, if they can't accept me for who I am then maybe I should reevaluate whether the relationship is worth maintaining. I have tried to let go. I have tried to change it. At this point it's not possible for me to escape the grip of it. I pry the fingers away. All but the last one. It feels too slippery to be released. So, I pull them all back in. One by one. Slowly, until they are once again sufficating me. They don't mean to. They want the best for me. They love me. They just don't know how to love me when I am living my life in a way that is different than theirs. They don't understand my soul. They don't have the capability to understand it. I try to rid myself of expectations of them. So far it's all or nothing. I have messed with the core. I don't think things can ever go back to how they used to be. I don't want them to, but I don't know how I want them to be. I don't know if it could be how I want them to be if I could figure it out. (did that make sense?)

My H finally sees what I've been talking about. How validating! So, I'm not completely crazy. It does exist and it's not all me. I know I have a lot to work on and I am the cause of some of this, maybe a lot of it. I am trying to figure things out. I need to figure out what I want/need. Voice it in the most compassionate way I am able and see if they can work with it. There has to be a middle ground somewhere, right? Even if it's just seeing each other on Thanksgiving??? maybe a random phone call here and there??? or maybe an occasional card sent thru the US Postal Service??? It's sticky and slippery at the same time. Ugh.

It is your life, slip. If you allow others to define it, your life no longer is your own.

Thanks Byzantine. I wasn't expecting any replies. I just needed to get it out of my head. I might bring it with me to therapy this week...we'll see.

Greetings,

I hope you do decide to share such with your therapist. The more he/she knows of how you truly feel, the more he/she can aid you in healing.

Have a good one.

I shared the "guts" of this post with my T. Some really great discussion came out of it. I am trying to change the way my mom and I relate and at the same time hold onto the relationships of my dad, brother and nephew. It's tricky upsetting the applecart.

My mom and dad are going to be in the area this week. My mom and I have plans to spend some time together. Ugh. My T suggested that I treat it like I am meeting her for the first time and I know nothing about her. This way I can change how I react to her. If I can change the way I react to her our relationship can then change.

My T tried telling me a story about someone pouring tea into another person's cup, but he didn't stop pouring once the cup was full. (She knew she wasn't doing a very good job telling it heehee.) I am a little fuzzy on what she meant, but this is what I got out of it. I need to set aside as much as I can about what I already know about my mom to be able to react differently. I need to do more observing than automatic reacting. I need to be less judgemental and more flexible.

I guess maybe I need to be more open minded with her, while at the same time, keep myself safe from her. Wow, this is going to take some practice!

Family dynamics are AWESOME!!!

I sure hope I can get thru this visit without making things worse.

I like this.

Thanks for posting.
Hope therapy goes well.

E

((((((((((((((((((Slippy))))))))))))))))))))))

Always here for you hun, a quick pm away, and this qoute made me think about what you where describing in the beginning of the post, I think it says more than I can.

"Just when the butterfly thought the world was going to end, it turned into a butterfly" - unknown

It's miserable being in a liquid state. It sounds cool, but it's not fun at all.

There is hope in being this far along on the journey though.

Thank you Typo . You are a good friend.

Greetings,

I wish you the best of luck!

Stay Positive!

Have a good one.

Great writing, slip. I love the way you express your thoughts, and your emotional struggle comes through so clearly in your words. It is so easy for me to relate to your struggle to separate from your family and friends right now, yet still remain close to them in healthy relationship; to not lose the people you love by stating your needs, but to be recognized as a unique and valuable person with thoughts and feelings, needs and desires different than theirs, but equally valid. I just want to say that I really appreciate how you share your struggle for validation and the sometimes huge cost involved to say, "This is who I am. This is who you you say you are. It is okay for you to be you. And it is okay for me to be me, even if you do not agree with me. We can agree to disagree. My desire is for mutual respect. However, I can live without your respect. I cannot live without me."

Keep on expressing yourself, slip. With the help of your T and your writing, you will work it out ~ and you will breathe freely!

Thank you, BAPearl. I have been back many times to read your reply.

I’m sorry to hear you can relate to what I am saying. It is a difficult place to be.

I am trying to figure out how to…

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Originally Posted by BAPearl still remain close to them in healthy relationship; to not lose the people you love by stating your needs, but to be recognized as a unique and valuable person with thoughts and feelings, needs and desires different than theirs, but equally valid.

The most powerful part to me of what you said above is…

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Originally Posted by BAPearl equally valid.

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Thank you for these very powerful words…

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Originally Posted by BAPearl "This is who I am. This is who you you say you are. It is okay for you to be you. And it is okay for me to be me, even if you do not agree with me. We can agree to disagree. My desire is for mutual respect. However, I can live without your respect. I cannot live without me."

I feel like I can take a full, deep breath after telling this to myself. Telling myself, yes, telling my self. It is one thing to read these words or say them to myself but to actually TELL my SELF and listen is completely different. I guess it’s like knowing something logically versus the action of practicing/believing/feeling/doing something.

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Originally Posted by BAPearl Keep on expressing yourself, slip. With the help of your T and your writing, you will work it out ~ and you will breathe freely!

Thank you also for the encouragement and feeling of hope. I have come a long way and I have a long way to go. Sometimes I forget how far I have come. I get caught up in how far I have yet to go. It is healthy to reflect on where you’ve been in a way that promotes insight to where you’re going. It can help regain hope and motivation to keep moving forward, or at least, to keep you from not sliding too far backward.

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Originally Posted by BAPearl Great writing, slip. I love the way you express your thoughts, and your emotional struggle comes through so clearly in your words.

Thanks.

Hi Slip! I really like the way you write. What you say here is very insightful and it's helpful to a lot of people, including me! Thanks for articulating this so well. You are doing a great job!!!!! Good luck on the rest of your journey!

Thank you Sundog. Good luck on your journey as well!