[wanttoheal]

what makes a person safe? how do you recognize if a person is safe? what traits are evident in a safe person?

[Lexicon78]

I guess for me a safe person is someone I can trust, who will not hurt me, supportive, and who will never turn their back on you.

[eskielover]

Your question has several answers depending on when the recognition is.

When we first meet people, we can get an instant impression by how they talk, their body language, the look in their eyes.....which forms our initial impression (GUT feeling) about someone. The feel that we get at that time can tell us whether we want to bother allowing the person farther into our lives......depending on how you feel about things depends on your definition of safe. At this point, I look at bragging, talking mostly about themselves, not listening well......what things are their interests (some things I wouldn't allow at all in my life but others may not be bothered & somethings don't matter). I have found that my GUT feel is the one I should go with.....very seldom has it been wrong....only self confidence not always good enough to listen to the GUT.

Once we have decided that the person is safe enough to allow them around us, then comes the getting to know them at a lower level. That is the time when more things become known about the person & we can better determine if they are safe. Safe is being comfortable around them in more & more situations.....they listen & care about us & we listen & care about them. I have never been able to say "will not" or "will never" about the person because I can't do the same with me.....we all goof at times. But if there is communications after something happens & changes are able to be agreed upon to make things go smoother in the future.

I think this is the basis for safe.....& our initial GUT feelings should always be listened to. I blew it when I allowed the home care RN into my Mothers home & care for her....just because she was the neighbor of my Mothers boyfriend & his daughter....& they went to my Mothers church....oh yes, the RN was "just passionate about caring for cancer patients because she lost both her parents to cancer". Gut feel said I don't like her...too pushy.....to much I can do this & that...I can solve all your problems.....I'll take care of it. Once in, she stole jewelry, stole my Mothers ID, filled in checks to cash & stole credit cards....besides horrible other things she did right under my nose.

I should always listen to my GUT....why doesn't it yell & shake me into listening.....but it's up to me to listen to the little whisper in gives me to keep me around safe people.

It doesn't mean that we will never be hurt or that trust at times may be shakey...but the relationship has a mush better chance of being good.

Debbie

[jmo531]

I struggled with this same question so many times. For me, in the right frame of mind my safe person/persons are my hubby and children.

However, in the mists of anxiety attacks that can last over a period of days and days, back to back attacks, I really trust no one. Not even my family and that scares me further, thus causing more anxiety. Its a vicious circle. I actually have made several posts about this same thing.

Trust is hard. It is something that doesnt come easily. I dont know how to begin to tell you how to even do it. For me, it takes time. Lots of time. Even then I still feel like I need to watch my back. Maybe I am just paranoid.

Sorry I wasnt able to help.

Hugs,

Jen

[wanttoheal]

thank you for your responses. gut always says that they are not safe. i think i can't go by gut. i have to figure out what logically means safe but i am unable to. i keep trying to figure it out. thank you for trying to help find out.

another guideline that i use is, "if it's too good to be true, it probably is".

[January]

Oh gee, wantto, I wish I had a good answer for that one. There are some people here whom I consider to be safe. Over time they have held me up when I felt I was sinking. In real life people though, I just don't know... Just when I begin to trust again, someone screws up and hurts me. I can't always be the giver all the time. Neither can you, hon.

Many, many hugs,

Jan