[Yesterdays]

I'm on pills for anxiety, depression, and moods. But something still isn't right. I literally tried to make myself throw up this morning so that I wouldn't have to go to school. What sane person does that? I risked, and still run the risk, of my mom calling the psychiatric hospital again, and not letting me go on vacation because I'll be there. I'm just really scared. Of myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. My stomach doesn't feel right now, and I regret what I did. I wrecked the day for my family. I should have just went to school. But part of me is angry at no one, and isn't guilty at all. Part of me just wants to kill myself and get it over with. What's the point? I don't know what's wrong with me.

It's like another person takes control, the person that's evil, that pretends to throw up to evade school, that searches her sister's room for the laptop so she can get online. I don't know what's wrong with me. And it scares me.

[pegasus]

Well, no you are not evil. You are someone that uses actions rather than words to show distress. Do you often make yourself sick? Is there anyone that you trust that you can talk to honestly about this? Don't beat yourself up for these actions but see if you can talk about your feelings instead. We are here for you.

((((((((( Yesterdays )))))))))

[Yesterdays]

I've tried to make myself sick once before, but I've never succeeded at it. It's just that I hate school so much I'd do anything to avoid it. I've missed a ton of days due to social anxiety, and I wasn't there last year as I was doing online school. I'm shy, and I don't talk to anyone. I go on facebook and see that everyone goes places with friends and has fun in school, and I don't. I didn't want to go today because they were having a party in Journalism, which would mean everyone acting out of control which I just can't handle.

My mom tried to unplug the TV so I couldn't watch it, and I shoved her as hard as I could, and was physically aggressive. That's why I think that I'm evil. I've hit people before, shoved my mom into a wall, hit my sister in the neck with a huge full water bottle. I don't know what my problem is. But that isn't who I am. It scares me that I could actually hurt someone one day. I'm a good person, so I don't know what happens.

Right now my life is going nowhere. I've missed so much school that I'll probably have to repeat the grade for the second time. I bet no colleges will accept me, and I'll be on welfare for life. I'm going nowhere... I might as well give up now.

[pegasus]

Is it possible for you to talk to the teachers at school so that they are aware of your social anxiety? Then they could make adjustments, may be give you a buddy or a worker to help you at school. You write beautifully and you are obviously intelligent, would be good to get those grades but it does look like you could do with more support at school.

[madisgram]

i call your having to possibly repeat your grade as "shooting yourself in your own foot". Meaning the person who will "pay" is you. have you spoken with the school counselor about how u are feeling? it might help. i used to do things i'd end of paying the price for and found it wasn't worth it.
have you a reason to dislike school other than you do?
what feelings do you have about yourself that are negative? try to be more specific about this. you need to get at the root of this behavior so you can overcome it.

[Yesterdays]

I've talked to the counselor and social worker, and my mom has had meetings with them. I'm allowed to go down and talk to the social worker during school anytime that I get anxious, but that's pretty much it. I don't have that many problems when I get there, it's going there that's the hardest. My sister is always a nervous wreck in the morning, my mom always screams at her because she gets up too late, and everything is so hectic. I think the real problem is that I have no motivation and I honestly don't care about anything. When I do go to school I never do my homework, because I'm not motivated enough to try. I don't know if it's because of depression or something else. But I just wish I could get everything to go back to normal.

[venusss]

You go to school for education, not to "go to places and have fun" (btw, it's often not as fun as it looks on the facebook photos anyways). It is for your future... try to stick to that. You seem very intelligent. Try to ask for some accomodations.

[Yesterdays]

I do know that, but it's hard to go to school and have everyone around you talking to each other but you don't know anyone. And I'm able to think about it rationally now and realize I should have went, but in the morning when it's time to get up and go something keeps me from thinking rationally, and I don't know what. =/

[KathyM]

Hi Yesterdays

If you can get out of your bed in the morning, you can go to school. If you have no desire to have a life of your own, stay in bed.

As it is with the rest of us, you have an obligation to give it your all each and every day. At the end of the day, you can rest well - knowing you tried your best. At the end of your life, you can rest in peace - knowing you gave it your all.

School is not meant to be a social occasion. It is meant to provide you with the tools (education) you will need to live on your own one day. If you are not motivated to do the work and gather the tools you need now, you will have to pay later. You will have to work that much harder later on down the road, with bigger and greater obstacles to face, and even more competition.

If you choose to sit back and allow life to pass you by, a safety net (welfare) might not be available. How would you provide for yourself if welfare is not available?

[sabby]

Hi ((((((((( Yesterdays )))))))))),

Something you said really stood out to me....about how crazy it is in the morning at your home when getting ready for school. You said your mom is always yelling at your sister because she gets up late. Could this be one of the things that sets you off in the morning and gets your anxiety going?

If that's what's happening, could you find a way to get up earlier, get yourself ready for school, have your breakfast and leave before all the yelling starts? At least in this way, you could have a more calm morning to start your day and that might help you throughout the rest of the day. Just a thought

When all else fails....remember to breathe deeply, close your eyes, and imagine yourself in a beautiful place of your choice for just a moment or so. Keep deep breathing and open your eyes and think of a better way of dealing than getting too upset. Use your words hon....

Wishing you well!
_sabby_

Hello, Yesterdays. When was the last time you had your medications checked? You might benefit from an adjustment. You have some real concerns to deal with. I hope you find the help and understanding you need to get through this.

You are in my thoughts.

[ana_rdh]

It's like another person takes control,

This could be side effects from your pills. Its not rare that some doctors misdiagnose patients and give them antidepressants that are known to have these type of side effects.