[CM-1965]

Hello

I'm a single mother in need of some advice on how to handle the current situation with my son. My son is an adult, 24 years of age. He has no motivation whatsoever (Only for exercising), No social skills, No social life or friends, no job, nothing at all going on for him. He stays awake all night waiting for me to wake up for work. He accompanies me to the car and goes back inside. He waits by the telephone for me to call him and let him know I made it to work safely. He then Goes to bed until I come back home around Noon. When I arrive home, he wakes up, greets me asks me how my day was and heads to the back yard for his vigorous exercise routines. He then showers, eats, lays down and watches T.V and repeats the process all over again. On weekends, I take him out to dinner and sometimes to the mall but he's usually reluctant to go anywhere, and if he does accompany me, we usually head home shortly due to him not tolerating strange people at all. He rarely speaks, only to greet me and thats about it. He's like a mindless zombie at times.

He's been following this routine religiously since he was 18 years of age. I honestly don't know how he can do it, and its driving me insane. His life is just passing him by and he doesn't realize it. I've confonted him on various occasions and he has no problem opening up when this happens. I asked him what he wants from life and he said "Nothing at all, I'm just living on borrowed time". I asked him if he's ever planning on finding a job, woman, and his own way and he told me that he's not interested in any of that. When he was about 20 I made him get a job and told him he needed to move when he had enough money saved. He somehow managed to get a job at a Subway restaurant and that was a nightmare. On his first week he got into a verbal altercation with a customer and threw a sandwhich at the customers face. He told me his reason for doing so was because the customer was treating him badly and that he wasnt going to tolerate that behavior. I explained to him that he could've handled it other ways and he said thats the only way he can express himself, physically. He then started packing his clothe into a backpack and left. I couldn't find him till the next evening. He was under a bridge staring into the city traffic. I cried and picked him up. When he got into the car he said "Sorry Im such a dissapointment mom, I'm trying to do the best I can here" with a blank emotionless face.

Another thing I haven't mentioned, At age 17 he was diagnosed with "Major recurrent depression", "obsessive compulsive disorder" , "Social anxiety disorder" and "severe insomnia" brought on by the other symptoms. He took medications and went to therapy but he dropped out of the therapy and stopped taking his meds. He has then refused to go see a doctor, claiming that they are all crazy and can't help him. He said that he was "Down in a hole too deep to be rescued". "The wheel of fortune just doesn't spin my way". When I analyze these things he's told me, I start having dark thoughts in the back of my mind. I think he's trying to tell me something in riddles. Another thing that concerns me are his agressive exercise routines. He works out vigrously and is in extreme physical condition and has astonishing strength. He blasts his radio with satanic metallic music and exercises for a minimum of 3-4 hours. I asked him why he exercises so much and he said he "needed to be ready". I asked him ready for what. He replied "ready for when the **** hits the fan". He's obssessed with eating healthy and hates drugs. I just don't understand him at all, he's like a walking paradox. I honestly don't know if he's mentally unstable, if it's my fault, or what the problem is. He seems so disciplined but at the same time is not. He never complains, he never intentinally hurts my feelings, he's extremely respectful towards me and others, has no vice, is a good person, is humble, worries alot, is sensitive but there seems to be a monster hiding behind all that. HELP!

Sorry if it all seems too long or incoherent, I am desperate here.

[madisgram]

i can understand why you are so very concerned. it sounds as tho his mental state is very fragile but i am not a professional. if he were my son, i'd print out what you wrote here, schedule an appt. for yourself with a mental health professional, psychiatrist or psychologist, and take this post to the appt. it's well written, explains his behaviors. this assures you won't forget anything at the appt. they can i'm sure offer you wise guidance re your son and perhaps offer helpful suggestions to help your son. i wish you the very best-our sons are so dear to us.
we are a very supportive community and i hope we can offer you all the support we can offer to you in these difficult times. please keep us posted. we care.

[Yoda]

Does he still refuse to see a doctor? I think he could likely benefit from the right meds and perhaps being in outpatient group therapy. The group therapy would help him to develop a routine and learn how to help himself.

[IceCreamKid]

If you have a therapist, please tell her or him what you have written here, all of it.

[CM-1965]

Thanks for the concern and tips, I really appreciate them. I think thats a good idea, I'm going to go see a doctor and explain the situation and show them this post I made. I need to take action and intervene because apparently he won't help himself. He refuses to see a doctor, he claims they are all crazy and after peoples money. He claims he doesn't want to be "labeled" by a person who is crazier than he will ever be. If you haven't noticed he's a pessimistic person that doesn't expect much. He seems to have a vendetta against people in general. I'm not even going to discuss this with him anymore, I'm seeing a professional to see what the next step is. I fear institutionalization may be an option because I would be heartbroken. With that said, thanks again for the advice and thank you for taking the time to help other people in need. You're all appreciated :-)

[Yoda]

Do you think that insitutionalizing him would be a long term option?

Not sure where you live but both my son and I have been in psychiatric hospitals and the longest stay was 5 weeks.

My son was very negative and angry during his teen years. He had no life goals and is still not making much progress toward the goals that he now has. I understand your frustration I think.

[Fresia]

I understand your concerns whole heartedly and the suggestions above are good ones so will not reiterate them. We cannot help anyone until we help ourselves and it would be important for you to have support in trying to help him. Please talk to a professional, do not go it alone; you are not alone, there is help.

There are different types of programs, inpatient and outpatient day programs that could be viable options not just inpatient alone but could be very beneficial, and of course therapy and medication as you know as well. However, it is difficult in the the midst of things to see outside of our current situations when in the grip of it to know that there might actually be something better out there, let alone to be in a position to want that. This is where getting support will come in to help you in dealing with and coping with his mindset yet not enable him to continue doing what he is doing but still be supportive.

I wish all parents were as caring and supportive as you are and I wish you both the very best as you move forward. He is very lucky. Hang in there!

[mgran]

It sounds like he has a really serious depression, perhaps even psychotic if he's waiting for the "**** to hit the fan". And as you say, he's paradoxically intensely focussed, and drifting. If he could get better that same determination would really steer him well... I think you're right that you have to see a doctor about his problems.

I'm a mother myself, and I really feel for you. I would be heart broken if my son was suffering as much as yours. And no, it's not your fault.

He kinda sounds like me. Good news is that he's still young.

Getting him to a psychiatrist should be a priority.

[(JD)]

Putting aside that you're his mother for a moment...

he is no longer under your responsibility but is considered an adult because of his age

so... since he lives with you, he needs to abide by your rules of the home

if you have any? Time to make some?

if he doesn't like your rules, he is free to find his own place and do his own work to provide for himself

Why should he change when he has it all provided on a plate to him?
I mean, even without depression, he wouldn't do anything because he doesn't have to.

Ok, now mom... tough love time...make sure you have support from your therapist to do this... make a rule or two or three or five... and sit down with him as adults and discuss them... also, have consequences for breaking any of the house rules. It appears he hasn't been able to learn about consequences yet, and it's probably a good time. (Part of this may stem from the idea that schools have that "everyone gets a prize, there are no losers...which doesn't show consequences for effort or such, but I digress..)

It won't be easy, but what will he do when you are no longer around or able to care for him? Time to do this now, while he is young enough to learn. PS Going to therapy, taking medicines, developing a sleep routine would all be part of my rules of the house.

I'd get him out of that depressive funk he's in before I started talking tough love. I speak just from my own personal experience.

[Jewels]

Everyone has given some good advice, and I certainly understand the angst you feel while you stand by helplessly and watch your son slide that long slide of depression. From what you have told us, it sounds to me that he might have schizo-affective disorder, but not being a therapist or a psychologist, I have no way of knowing for sure. I just tend to listen and hear what you have been saying about his ways.

Being a single mom is such a strain on us at times, especially when we see our children make mistakes that cost dearly. It sounds like he is very appropriate with you, and respects you. That is a great start for him. I understand that you want to do anything and everything you can for him, and I understand the pain it puts you in.

If you don't have a therapist or psychologist, you can usually dial 211 and ask them to point you in a therapist's direction. The 211 is United Way, and they have all sorts of resources available for you. I would print off the first explanation you gave for him giving you concern, and then I would point blank ask the therapist if he/she would be willing to see him. If he has no insurance, then he would be transferred to the County Mental Health system, given a therapist, and they would start working with him right away. they can even suggest to you about how you should be with him--whether tough love is an option--even though it doesn't sound like he could handle tough love right now and he might feel like you are on the attack with him. Giving him some options, and making sure he follows through with them would help give you some peace of mind about his outcome. If they feel it necessary, they might suggest that he move into a group home until he is more stable and monitored. There are many options for both of you, you just have to keep at it until you find the right combination of things to help him--but first and foremost, see a therapist yourself so that you know where you are before you help him. It is much easier to acquiesce to him than to steer him in the right direction with the help of a therapist. And could be that he doesn't open up much to you because he is ashamed for how he is right now. But the fact that he is respectful to you makes me think he might listen to you about going to see a therapist, if only for your sake.

My prayers are with you. Know that it is not easy seeing your child in such pain--emotionally and psychologically. Protect your own self first, because then you will be better prepared to handle whatever may come your way.

Jewels

[Can't Stop Crying]

Keep in mind that every child needs something different, tough love works for some, but not all. I agree with I.T. address his mental/depressive issues before attempting some type of military regime. I'm also speaking from experience from my adolescence and current issues with my teenager. It's a great idea to print off your post and get some professional feedback here. Best of luck to you...you'll be in my thoughts!

[Can't Stop Crying]

I just had another quick thought for you, check out the parenting forum here on PC. A lot of parents there can really relate!

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by madisgram

i can understand why you are so very concerned. it sounds as tho his mental state is very fragile but i am not a professional. if he were my son, i'd print out what you wrote here, schedule an appt. for yourself with a mental health professional, psychiatrist or psychologist, and take this post to the appt. it's well written, explains his behaviors. this assures you won't forget anything at the appt. they can i'm sure offer you wise guidance re your son and perhaps offer helpful suggestions to help your son. i wish you the very best-our sons are so dear to us.
we are a very supportive community and i hope we can offer you all the support we can offer to you in these difficult times. please keep us posted. we care.

Hey I have social anxiety and ocd .The long excerising is from the ocd and he need to go too therapy for all of this.Ocd makes you fo things that you do not want too and social anxiety makes you scared too leave the house because of the big crowds that what scares me .Depression isnt nothing to play with it causes sucide attemps and you dont want your son having those thoughts so watch him carefully sending huggs your way