[Martina]

I've been stuck in a funk lately and I don't know how to get out of it.

I have total complete lack of motivation. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I often smack the snooze on my alarm for over an hour, and go to work late. Today I told my husband I was going in late to work, but I actually took the entire day off. I just feel like crap. We can't afford this. I have already used up all my sick leave for the year and now I'm burning vacation time and we planned a trip this summer.

I don't clean the house. I don't play with my little girl. Sunday morning Daddy was working the early shift - I got up and got her breakfast and went back to bed, and kept turning on another TV show for her and going back to bed. I finally rolled out of bed at about 10:30. How sick is that? Ignoring my own child?

I'm still spending money like I shouldn't. Not hundreds or thousands like I used to, but I got $15 unauthorized from the bank the other day and spent it on food, and I just now ordered a pizza on the credit card that we're trying not to use and pay off. We're drowning in debt because of me. Oh, and the car needs a brake job and wheel bearings and other stuff - $700 bucks. Fun.

A pill isn't going to fix me. Sitting in a chair for an hour and paying $185 bucks to a therapist isn't going to fix me. I need to fix me, myself. But I don't know how.

I've been in treatment for over 2 years now. I've come a long way - I was highly suicidal when I started. But just because I'm not seriously suicidal (still have thoughts!) doesn't mean I'm all better now.

How do I learn how to overcome this myself?

Hello, Martina. Have to talked to your treatment team about your concerns? It seems the treatment you are receiving is not working. Perhaps some changes are in order?

[Martina]

I called my psych nurse. I already had an appointment set up for tomorrow. She wants to talk more, but she's thinking of adding an anti-depressant like Wellbutrin or maybe changing up some of my other medications (I'm already on 3).

I just don't know if a pill is the answer. I want it to help, but it's not going to change who I am.

[Michah]

Martina, here is a big hug

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are a good mother and your daughter will be fine if you cannot do what you would like right now. She knows that you love and care for her, and sometimes that just has to be enough

Would you call it "malaise", "melancholia", "sadness", "grief" or "depression"? Are you tired and wired? In other words, can you wind down when you have the opportunity to.......and look about your environment with calm and joyful eyes?

You have great insight. You have realised that even though you are in therapy, this journey is yours alone and there is great power in that, even if you don't feel it. Would I sound totally silly if I said that you have found your courage even if you can barely lift your head? This is a critical time for you, for it can become dark and overwhelming, but the flip side to that is that you KNOW your own process, even if you don't really know what to do with it yet. That is the Holy Grail of authenticity and TRUTH......inner truth. Therapy can only take you so far......it is you that must make the journey.......and you are never, never alone in this dangerous and liberating landscape. You are LOVED!!

Existential angst, is what I call it. The big questions and feelings of deep failure that rise up for me, every now and then. And every time, they floor me and make me feel useless and burdensome, like I am carrying a block of concrete around my neck. I know it for this and try my best to give it a big old hug and drag that thing along with me and forgive it. I try to be patient and loving with self........and always try to be honest.

Much like you, for the last 3 years, I did not want medication either, but it seems, that like you, I knew when it became "dangerous". When you know your own limits and the signs of a deep melancholia becoming a depressive illness, your instincts to protect yourself and your family will kick in and you will do what is best. TRUST yourself and take the steps to keep yourself safe if need be.

Keep talking to your therapist for that is important, but also talk to yourself. Look within for the answers......

For the truth only comes from within......

Take very good care of your precious self.......there is only one.

Michah

PS sorry if my words are all over the place. My dyslexia is dyslexic today. Thank goodness for spell check

[Sabrina]

(((Martina))) I am not sure what to add as I am in the same situation myself. It takes so much effort to get out of bed. I do understand how you feel.