[Don't touch me]

Okay, before you tell me to see someone, I am. I have regular appointments with a doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist.

The fact that I do not know what't wrong with me makes my anxiety skyrocket.
Okay... I went to my doctor(my mom's doctor first now mine as well.) because I has this weird trembling feeling that I got when trying to sleep and my heart would beat really fast. She prescribed Paxil saying I had a Serotonin imbalance. It got rid of the trembling but nothing else. I had always been paranoid and shy, and somewhat rejected by the world. I developed trust issues very early in life and was terrified of germs and stuff. After awhile(when I was 16) things became strange. I began snapping and having reactions to things that didn't match my emotions. I was paranoid and believed that I was pregnant with the devil's child. I eventually got the Paxil prescribed that year and started seeing a therapist. I remained somewhat paranoid through all of this. But in the past seven or eight months, things have gotten even worse.
I am incredibly suicidal and hear things sometimes. I have cut myself(with my finger nails and once with scissors), I even kicked my dog once because I got nervous/angry at a teacher on the phone. I can no longer look people in the eye when speaking to them. I can't talk on phones, I broke up with my boyfriend even though I still loved him but I suspected he may not care for me, which is completely untrue. I have felt things that aren't there( IE water dripping on me, and something reaching in my pocket.) I cry very easily, I can hardly concentrate on anything, sometimes I see alot of colors blue, I carved random scattered thoughts into my dresser, my thoughts "attack" me and feel as though they are being pushed into my mind, I feel like no one ever forgives me for anything and constantly think people are making fun of me.
I left my last therapist because I thought she was making fun of me, but since I feel I can no longer trust myself, I am not sure.
What is going on??? No one tells me anything! If I don't find out, I will become more afraid of myself...

[sundog]

Are you still on Paxil? There are several studies which have shown that Paxil can increase suicidal ideation in some people, especially in people under 24 years of age. But whatever you do, don't suddenly stop taking it! The best thing would definitely be to talk to your psychiatrist. Good luck

[Soul Quake]

Psychosis comes to mind.

[eskielover]

Maybe you can talk to your Therapist about DBT...it's a type of therapy that gets us in touch with our thoughts & allows us to be able to identify them & recognize them as being thoughts are are not correct & teaches us how to handle the thoughts & our behavior.

T's who just sit there & listen as the ones I had that were using more CBT.....I found were absolutely NO help at all. We are the only ones that can control our thoughts....Ts are only there to help us identify & to provide us with healthy skills that we missed out learning throughout out life......that is what DBT (therapy) is all about......we can't get better without really getting in touch with ourselves & changing the behavior that causes us so much trouble in our lives.

Hello, Sarah. Perhaps you might benefit from sharing your posts with your treatment team? When the treatment modalities now in place do not seem to be helping, adjustments are indicated. Good luck.

[Don't touch me]

Okay. Maybe I will..I go to my therapist today.

[Emotional Ninja]

O. K. sweetie, I'm just going to jump in. You said you are seeing a therapist. You need a good pyschiatrist. A really good one. I don't mean to be dramatic or pessimistic, but, what you have described to me sounds like schizophrnia. Now, don't be scared by that term. My sister has this disease and I have observed her behavior all her life. With early diagnosis and proper medication the condition can now be controlled and those affliced can lead normal lives (relatively speaking, you would probably need therapy and meds over your lifetime.) One very important element is early detection and treatment. If this is your problem, you do have a difficult road ahead, but things can improve 100%. Please seek a second opinion from another mental health care provider if at all possible. I have lived with the paid my sister suffered for years because she was not diagnosed till her 30's. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep us posted. I am now extremely concerned about you. Please feel free to send me a private message if you like.

Please let us know how it goes, Sarah.

[pachyderm]

Have you had a physical checkup recently -- or at all?

[Don't touch me]

@Emotional Ninja. I thought schizophrenia as well, but I am currently not sure if it's just psychotic depression. If it's any help, sometimes I feel as though I am not real, or my life is some kind of TV program and people are watching.
@TheByzantine. It went well. She was actually very kind.
@pachyderm somewhat, why? What are you thinking?

[Emotional Ninja]

Originally Posted by Don't touch me

@Emotional Ninja. I thought schizophrenia as well, but I am currently not sure if it's just psychotic depression. If it's any help, sometimes I feel as though I am not real, or my life is some kind of TV program and people are watching.
@TheByzantine. It went well. She was actually very kind.
@pachyderm somewhat, why? What are you thinking?

Honey, I'm telling you that everything you initially described to me sounds exactly like my sister. If that is true I can only judge the amount of pain you are suffering from what I have watched her endure. Now after many years of meds she has good days and bad days. However, her pyschiatrist told me 35 years ago that because she waited so long for treatment after her initial breakdown she might get 25% to 100% better, or never be any better at all. We actually ended up at about 50%. I just think that after 35 years of advances in the tx of mental health and the new meds your outlook (if this is your problem) is 150% better than hers. Please stay in touch. You are in my heart.

[Don't touch me]

Thank you. I go to my psychiatrist next tuesday and I will bring a list of everything that has been going on. ^^

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Don't touch me

@pachyderm somewhat, why? What are you thinking?

You said

I have felt things that aren't there( IE water dripping on me, and something reaching in my pocket.) I cry very easily, I can hardly concentrate on anything, sometimes I see alot of colors blue, I carved random scattered thoughts into my dresser, my thoughts "attack" me and feel as though they are being pushed into my mind

and the first part made me think that there might be a physical cause -- and the last part sounds like it might be due to a lot of stress. It might be worth checking the physical parts first.

[Don't touch me]

I am not sure, because I have check up pretty regularly. I am very paranoid about health. Hehe. But I'll mention it to my doctor next time I see her. ^^

[Don't touch me]

By the way, I looked at http://www.schizophrenia.com/earlysigns.htm
And I'll list the symptoms I may have. You should look at the list to see how many I have....

Examples of Physical Symptoms---- 8 out of 12
--Overly acute senses- lights are too bright, sounds are too loud.
--Staring, while in deep thought, with infrequent blinking.
--Clumsy, inexact motor skills
--Sleep disturbances- insomnia or excessive sleeping
--Parkinsonian type symptoms- rigidity, tremor, jerking arm movements, or involuntary movements of the limbs
--Eye movements- difficulty focusing on slow moving objects
--Movement is speeded up- i.e. constant pacing
--Movement is slowed down- staying in bed

Examples of Feelings/Emotions---- 5 out of 6
--The inability to experience joy or pleasure from activities
--Sometimes feeling nothing at all
--Hypersensitivity to criticism, insults, or hurt feelings
--Feeling indifferent to important events
--Feeling detached from your own body

Examples of Mood---- 6 out of 6
--Sudden irritability, anger, hostility, suspiciousness, resentment
--Depression- feeling discouraged and hopeless about the future
--Low motivation, energy, and little or no enthusiasm
--Suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation
--Rapidly changing mood- from happy to sad to angry for no apparent reason
--Severe Anxiety

Changes in Behavior associated with schizophrenia ---- 14 out of 18
--Dropping out of activities and life in general
--Inability to form or keep relationships
--Social isolation- few close friends if any. Little interaction outside of immediate family.
--Increased withdrawal, spending most of the days alone.
--Becoming lost in thoughts and not wanting to be disturbed with human contact
--Neglect in self-care- i.e. hygiene, clothing, or appearance
--Replaying or rehearsing conversations out loud
--Finding it difficult to deal with stressful situations
--Inability to cope with minor problems
--Lack of goal-directed behavior. Not being able to engage in purposeful activity
--Functional impairment in interpersonal relationships, work, education, or self-care
--Deterioration of academic or job-related performance
--making irrational statements.
--Intense and excessive preoccupation with religion or spirituality

Examples of Cognitive Problems Associated with Schizophrenia ---- 11 out of 20
--Ruminating thoughts- these are the same thoughts that go around and round your head but get you nowhere. Often about past disappointments, missed opportunities, failed relationships.
--Making up new words
--Racing thoughts
--In conversation you tend to say very little
--Suddenly halting speech in the middle of a sentence
--Difficulty expressing thoughts verbally. Or not having much to say about anything.
--Difficulty focusing attention and engaging in goal directed behavior
--Poor concentration/ memory. Forgetfulness
--Obsessive compulsive tendencies- with thoughts or actions
--Thought insertion/ withdrawal- thoughts are put it or taken away without a conscious effort
--Conversations that seem deep, but are not logical or coherent

Examples of Delusions---- 4 out of 11
--Overpowering, intense feeling that people are talking about you, looking at you
--Overpowering, intense feeling you are being watched, followed, and spied on
--Thinking that someone is trying to poison your food
--Delusions of reference- thinking that random events convey a special meaning to you. An example is that a newspaper headline or a license plate has a hidden meaning for you to figure out. That they are signs trying to tell you something.

Examples of Hallucinations----1 out of 3
--Auditory hallucinations can be either inside the person's head