[sunflowers07]

I need to move far far away where no one knows me and start my life over. I have failed in my life, my ship has sailed. I need to get out i am doing no one any good being here. I have failed my children, my parents, and anyone that has ever tried to get close to me. I have always ruined it. I was an open book with my first husband and all he could do was use it all against me thru out our entire marriage. My parents have never understood me. I started having problems at 15 and they sent me away for over a year. I had my 16th birthday in an outdoor treatment center. I started doing drugs/drinking when I got out and now in my 30's can say I've done every drug out there. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm getting my car back today after my suicide attempt and my dad is freaking out. I have to live with them now and he says I will only be able to use my car for work. I have talked to no one from my past since my attempt and he thinks now that I have a car I'm just going to jump right back into everything, which I was not doing anything really before this happened. I was isolating and not talking to one anyway. Which is pretty much all I want now. I want to be left alone, I want everyone in my life to go away and leave me alone. I don't want to talk, I don't want to open up. I just want to go away. I wish I had died on the table in that operating room, forget the blood transfusion they should have just let me bleed out. Or I should not have screwed up and put the bullet thru my heart instead of hitting the other side and screwing up my lung. I have failed my children in every possible way and see them every other saturday for 8 whole hours. What is wrong with me, Iv'e asked before if anyone in the family has problems like me and nope I'm the only one who is bi-polar and majorly depressed. I've been on almost every medication there is and nothing works, been on 6 at one time and nothing. I think there is no hope for me anymore. I need to start over no one would miss me anyway.

[shezbut]

Gentle hugs to you sunflowers07

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time right now. It feels overwhelming and as though you are doomed to a life of eternal misery in times like these.

I have been in the same spot that you find yourself in. Life does get better as we develop more effective & healthier ways to work through our emotions. I could have sworn that my girls would NEVER love me, and all sorts of other negative beliefs. Thankfully, I was wrong. Completely wrong at that!

Focus on getting through your personal misery. Let go of the guilt (for everything real & imagined), try very hard to let go of the shame. As you get better, you can offer a sincere apology to your children for having a tough time working through whatever. Kids understand having a tough time. They understand frustration with yourself. They understand sadness. If you take just a little bit of time, and careful words, to explain where your mind is...they will understand. They will show that they care about you.

And in those moments of intense misery, remind yourself of the love and compassion that your children have shown to you. Try hard not to beat yourself up ~ you really don't deserve the misery. Gentle hugs to you. You may want to try to get into a DBT group to gain a wider perspective and some helpful techniques on making it through heavy emotions & dark thoughts.

[lonegael]

(((((((sunflowers)))))))

[SophiaG]

I think the drugs took a toll. You've managed to beat them, well, you've managed to manage the illness of addiction anyway. That's a huge thing!

How long have you been depressed?

[ECHOES]

I know this feeling. Wanting to pack up and go. Right. Now. Hang on because it will get better, it will ease up.

What we really want is change. We don't want things to be the way they were and the way they are. Focusing on the way things are now, and the way you want things to be, shows you the direction you wish to go. You've had major life challenges. Making your life different at any age is possible and you are worthy of the changes you want in your life.

When we think about how we wish for things to be, we can see the huge difference between how things are now, and how we wish them to be. It may seem impossible to stay put and make these changes because it seems so overwhelming. All change begins with steps and you are already taking steps by getting your car back, going to work.

Scary things make us want to run. You don't want to open up. It sounds too scary. You opened up a lot in your post. So you know you can do it, and that's great! Keep going...

You can start over and you are starting over. You can learn to be the person you long to be, one step at a time and with help.

[madisgram]

i hope you will call your pdoc. even if you think you've tried all the meds and nothing worked, surely there are meds that can. i had to do trial and error before we got it right. you can have a good life, one u never thought could happen for you. it happened to me when i had no hope left. try to hold on and hope you get the help you need. you deserve support and caring.. i think your parents are just very worried about you/car.

[Fresia]

Hang in there, you will get through this. (((((((Sunflower07))))))))

[wing]

There are lots of new meds you can try, Sun. And there is the option of ECT.

It takes a strong person to turn their life around as you have. You are a survivor and a fighter.

[embracinglife]

yes...keep hanging in there sunflower. we care about you here, so at least don't leave us. I'm sure there are people in your life that do still love you. your kids or your parents I'm sure will forgive you for whatever you have done.

just keep taking things one day at a time.

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by sunflowers07

I need to move far far away where no one knows me and start my life over. I have failed in my life, my ship has sailed. I need to get out i am doing no one any good being here. I have failed my children, my parents, and anyone that has ever tried to get close to me. I have always ruined it. I was an open book with my first husband and all he could do was use it all against me thru out our entire marriage. My parents have never understood me. I started having problems at 15 and they sent me away for over a year. I had my 16th birthday in an outdoor treatment center. I started doing drugs/drinking when I got out and now in my 30's can say I've done every drug out there. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm getting my car back today after my suicide attempt and my dad is freaking out. I have to live with them now and he says I will only be able to use my car for work. I have talked to no one from my past since my attempt and he thinks now that I have a car I'm just going to jump right back into everything, which I was not doing anything really before this happened. I was isolating and not talking to one anyway. Which is pretty much all I want now. I want to be left alone, I want everyone in my life to go away and leave me alone. I don't want to talk, I don't want to open up. I just want to go away. I wish I had died on the table in that operating room, forget the blood transfusion they should have just let me bleed out. Or I should not have screwed up and put the bullet thru my heart instead of hitting the other side and screwing up my lung. I have failed my children in every possible way and see them every other saturday for 8 whole hours. What is wrong with me, Iv'e asked before if anyone in the family has problems like me and nope I'm the only one who is bi-polar and majorly depressed. I've been on almost every medication there is and nothing works, been on 6 at one time and nothing. I think there is no hope for me anymore. I need to start over no one would miss me anyway.

Iam sorry you are going through this rough time .My sister have bipolar and theres a lot of meds for this illness because she was on lots of meds