Before & After

Ask someone how they feel about the life they had before their mental illness and a powerful wave of energy pulses right off of them (I'm no exception) Sometimes I worship that former life like a god..and other times I wish I could forget it so there's nothing to compare this life to. If you had to make a choice, would you keep those memories or erase them?

When afflicted with illness at an early age, there is no real basis for comparison. An optimist would say those in that circumstance have been given the opportunity to make a life to their own specifications.

I don't have any memories other than MI, so I don't have anything to compare it to. I wish I did, then maybe I'd have something to base what recovery should look like on. Sorry Byz, I guess that I'm a pessimist

Wow I thought (naively) that early childhood onset was rare..but it happened to both of you. I had 15 years before mine kicked in. Perhaps I should rethink my attitude towards my youth. I allow those memories to torment me a lot of the time.

I didn't even get this thing until I was 39, and had a brilliant and awesome career. This knocked me out of the game, and here I am eight years later looking at my resume and the things I used to be able to do.
So I do feel angry about it, I feel robbed. Although I have an awesome family with 4 young women and a supportive husband, it doesn't seem fair. I've looked at all the people who worked UNDER me move up the corporate ladder, and here am I sitting home taken out of the rat race. So yes I do look back in anger (The Oasis song, lol!); and feel that this is a bitter pill to swallow. I cry over it sometimes. But who ever said life was fair? (It's not, is it!)

I had undiagnosed bipolar for as long as I can remember, though I don't agree with labeling and medicating a child for it with what is available now. I understand the anger kathleen is talking about, for the same reasons.

My answer to your question would be that yes, I would wish to forget those memories because they are serving no useful purpose to me on my journey at present. My goal is inner peace and staying in the moment. Those memories are exactly what created negative pathways in my mind, and forgetting them would make my goal far easier to achieve.

Same as winging it. No doubt. My difference is that although untreated my swings are bad and chaotic (little euthymia) I need relatively low doses to keep me on balance. Thank God. The moodstabilizers don't effect my cognitive state as badly, and my mood stays stable if I am medicated. But until I was properly diagnosed, I lived in a whirlwind of He## most of my life.

My first major depressive episode was at 10 and lasted a long time, it progressed from there worsening and my teens developed BP symptoms, not diagnosed formally until 20's. I have never known what it is like to be w/o MI as an adult. The advantage I do have with having pleasant memories from being a child is in how I would look at things as a child: the wonderment, curiosity, and the ability to find joy in things. This reminder is helpful for me when things are bad or when I start to lose hope knowing that I need to find more joy in my life again. I sort of have a goal of something to reach for to make extra special effort to make room for pleasant things in my life especially when down, don't make time for it, or don't feel would deserve it, etc. W/o having that former reference, I would be more pessimistic thinking it would not be possible. So I would not want to wipe them out but I was fortunate enough to have a happy, early childhood so I would not have changed that part.

I have no idea what it is to be an adult under any other circumstances and childhood only goes so far, so my idea is skewed b/c of such early onset. I can wish for those times again on one hand but it clouds what I have to do now to get by if I focus too much on the past and what could have been. I have learned it actually sets me back to dwell on it. I am grateful for what I did have but have to be in the moment now.

Like some of the others who have posted, I had no "before", since my PTSD is from childhood abuse. I was either in the abusive situation or living with the PTSD symptoms.

I've always considered not having a "before" to be both good and bad. On one hand I have nothing to look back at and be depressed over losing, but on the other hand I have no idea what I'm shooting for in recovery. I have no idea what me without PTSD would look like.

ADD, anxiety, PTSD, and depression began in childhood for me. However, in adulthood, I've had short periods of stability and higher functioning. Those times gave me hope that I'd achieve a more "normal" life. It's been detrimental to have those markers to compare my life to. I often feel quite cheated out of career, husband, family, etc. Those didn't come my way because of terrible self-esteem and depression. I haven't been able to overcome the sick, negative beliefs my parents planted in me.

Life is a work in process. Provided we have sufficient functionality, we may choose how we shall respond to the challenges we face each day.

I wish all well.