My Struggles

Dear Friends,

I have been rather quiet lately. When I get quiet and withdrawn, I am in personal trouble. I’m either physically sick, my mental health issues have raised their ugly heads, or both.

In the last month and a half, I have had double pneumonia, torn the cartiledge plate of my sternum, had infection of the bone in my mouth and a tooth with resulting surgery, and last but not least of all, due to all the antibiotics I had to take, developed C Diff, a form of colitis that is like amoebic dysentery. That was on top of my regular colitis. I’m still not over it.

I live in a less than savory neighborhood. Over the Labor Day weekend a man bothered me on the parking lot of my apartment building. I have been mugged in that lot and have been bothered by other men at a different times. This last encounter was too much and something snapped. My PTSD has been out of control since then. It has taken me almost all this time to figure out what the horrible feeling is that has engulfed me. One night I figured it out. It’s that dread I had when I lived with my Dad. I knew another bad time would come. I didn’t know when it would be or what would cause it. I didn’t know if I’d just get hurt or would die. I knew it wouldn’t be my fault, but I knew it was coming. There was always, always another time. That feeling is back, and it won’t stop.

Old nightmares long hidden from memory have resurfaced. I don’t sleep until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. and when I wake up, I’m exhausted. I’ve been binge eating, even though the colitis and C Diff make me very ill.

My pdoc did a blood level Monday and discovered I haven’t been taking enough medicine to control my bipolar disorder. In essence, I have been without bipolar meds since I developed an allergy to my lamictal months ago. Take the physical and other mental health issues and throw them together with the BP and it’s not been too fun being me lately.

I would have gone for extra help more quickly, but how could I tell my counselor and pdoc something for which I had no words?

To top it off, a financial situation not of my making has arisen that could possibly leave me homeless. It probably won’t happen, but it could, so it’s right in there with the anxiety.

So, I’ve been a mess. When I’m a mess, I withdraw. It has nothing to do with anyone else personally. I have managed to chat the last few days, so that’s good. I have been told that I am good at giving support but not very good at receiving it. Sharing all the details and asking for full scale support is very hard for me, especially because of things that used to happen to me when I showed emotion or any kind of weakness when I was young. I can sometimes manage it one on one or in small groups, but it's still hard. Even though I've been quiet or even absent, I have missed each of you and thought of you every day. Do not doubt that.

Jan

((((((((((((((((((((((jan)))))))))))))))))))))))))

how special that was of you to post! i'm so sorry that you've been going thru so much.

let us love you and you do us. we won't let you down!

love,

kd

so sorry to hear all that you've been going through......if i can help in any way.....let me know......

((((((((((((((((( kimmy ))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much.

Hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((((((( butterfly )))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for the support. Thank you for caring.

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((January))))))))
I'm so sorry you are having such trouble. I've noticed that you haven't been posting much, but now I can understand why. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I'd jump through this screen and give you a great big hug if I could! I hope you are able to continue posting. You deserve support. You're very good at being the one that holds everyone else up when they aren't able to do it alone. Please let us hold you up for awhile. I'm always here for you if you need to talk. Anytime.

((((((((((Jan))))))))))

Let me know if hubby or I can help any with the possibility of relocating. We'd be glad to check out available rentals when we go to his parents house for Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry things are so crazy. Please take care of yourself. We miss you, but we want you feeling better.

Like I said, let me know if I can help.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time! Sure have missed you!

Maybe you should poke that dang flamingo with a sharp stick and make him take care of you, eh? I always thought he was lazy and too full of himself!

LOL No, you'll never hear the end of it. hehehehe Please take care of YOU. Get better, dang it! You've been sick long enough!

Please keep posting so we can at least give you big hugs and let you know we love you, ok?

Oh Jenn, thank you so much. I will try. Thank you. I feel your hug.

Hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((( Erin ))))))))))))))))

OMGosh! That's truly going above and beyond the call of duty! Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((((((( Tomi )))))))))))))))

I will post, Tomi. I will do my best to do it. I don't want to poke the flamingo. He'll catch me asleep and pour his Perrier water into my face! LOL!!!!

I've missed all of you, too.

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))))

So sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope it turns better for you soon.

time0

((((((((((((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((Jan)))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so very much.

Hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((((((((( time0 )))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. I truly appreciate it.

Hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((((((((((( Jen )))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you!!!!!!

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((((((( WI )))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much!

Hugs,

Jan

((((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))))) I'll continue to send healing wishes your way.

(((((((((Jan)))))))))) So sorry you went through all that.

Thank you for sharing - that must have taken a lot out of you, and was very brave.

I hope that your pdoc can somehow help you feel better. The mugging and stuff that you have 'no words' - I can understand that. Been there.

The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself. I certainly hope your financial situation will improve soon.

If there's anything I can do, please, just let me know. Huggles.

JAN! I was surprised to see you onsite, since I know how sick you have been! Thank you for coming in and sharing. I'm so sorry you are having such physical troubles... sure do understand the avoidance.... one foot in front of the other.. OR ... get someone to fluff your pillows and get the rest you need ((((HUGS)))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))))))))))
You are so brave to post about all of your trouble. I know that you have a hard time asking for support, even though you are so good at freely giving it. I am always here for you anytime at all my friend for anything you need. Take good and gentle care of yourself and remember how loved you are.

((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))