[rjdaws]

I apologize for the length of this post.

I have received trauma to my head since I was an infant. An accident when I was a baby resulted in me being thrown down a flight of stairs, leaving me with a short-lived seizure. Growing up I was bullied and pushed around, often leading to violent attacks involving my head. On the schoolyard, for some reason, basketballs always ended up unintentionally colliding with my head after a failed shot to the net. As a primary school kid, I had a lot of trouble controlling my anger and often took it out on myself in bursts of rage - by smacking my own head either with my fists or by bashing it on a surface like a table or wall. These fits often occured while doing homework when I had trouble understanding the assignment. At 16, I was struck by a pick-up truck while crossing a busy street, which sent me soaring the distance of half a city bus. (Apparently I looked like a ragdoll being thrown across the street :P )

I have a feeling these traumatic injuries have affected my mood stability and personality - while the damage was minor compared to injuries suffered by others, I've always struggled in ways common to people with frontal lobe injury (I've only done minor research, I could be wrong about it). I've never spoken to a doctor about these events and never seen a neurologist about it, because it's never seemed like a huge issue to me until recently.

However, in the past few years (ages 16 - 20) my ability to maintain work and handle pressure has decreased. My ability to understand new instructions and ideas is decreasing. I'm prone to very impulsive behavior with money and eating. I'm severely anxious when not taking my meds religiously. Changes in my routine throw off my memory, making me forget to take my antidepressant/anxiolytic (Cipralex10mg). I recently moved to a new city and the change has affected my routine of taking meds. I am incredibly forgetful and am prone to quitting a job if I become too stressed and anxious about it. I feel I am very socially awkward; I have trouble making and keeping friends, often say inappropriate things in an attempt to make people laugh, and often mutter and stutter rather than speak loud and clear.

I have a history of depression and while my friends and family were aware of my SI since I was 12, I have not received, nor been encouraged to receive, any kind of professional help. It was not until this past September, after a summer of severe depression and serious suicidal thoughts and threats, that I decided for myself to talk to my doctor. She put me on Cipralex 10mg. I know I suffer anxiety and depression and I mostly believe that my history of being bullied, ignored, and belittled is the cause. But I'm starting to question if there are other causes, such as my history of injury to my head. I have overheard rumours that depression rides along in my family history but I am not sure to what extent.

I would love to hear any kind of similar experience, advice, knowledge related to my story, or any recommendations for professionals I can seek for issues related to the above. I've tried my doctor, who I do greatly trust and I do believe she is very thorough. But I don't know what references I could ask her for because I don't know what professionals I might benefit from most (e.g. neurologist, general psychiatrist, councellor, psychotherapist, etc.) Even though I can't be "cured" I would appreciate understanding what is causing these difficulties I've always experienced.

[(JD)]

Hi I think you're on the right track there... I recall reading research over 25 years ago about how the majority of those in prison had suffered a severe head trauma previously in their life (resulting in rage, uncontrolled behavior, etc. resulting in their incarceration.)

I know that any chronic illness/unwellness can result in depression.
I also know that any trauma of fear of death/ near death event can result in PTSD.

I think there are current studies about concussions and the resulting mental issues, studies brought on because of all the soldiers in the mid East having succumbed such from explosions.

You may have compensated quite a bit over the years without realizing all the symptoms of the head trauma(s.)

[ECHOES]

I don't know what professionals I might benefit from most (e.g. neurologist, general psychiatrist, councellor, psychotherapist

I am so sorry that you have suffered so much!
If I were in your position, I would choose to be evaluated by a neurologist to answer the questions about a physical issue, and I would work with a psychotherapist to see what I can learn and do make my life better.

[rjdaws]

(JD): Thanks. I've been interested in reading about the effects of brain injury, from physical to disease to surgery. It's amazing how even the slightest injury can wreak so much havoc on one's personality. My favourite example is Phineas Gage.

ECHOES: Thank you for your sympathy. I don't think of myself as having suffered any more than any other person. We all have a story and a past. Mine just adds certain challenges to my current life, that make it difficult to keep jobs, maintain friendships, or stay in school. I've dropped out of college twice now and almost didn't graduate high school.

I think I will talk to my doctor about seeing a neurologist and having a scan done, the next time I make an appointment with her. (She's located in my old city, it's too hard nowadays to find a doctor one can trust and I don't want to risk losing this one). I might also request a reference for a local psychotherapist. I've considered going to therapy before. I just fear I'll have difficulty affording it.

But where there's a will, there's a way, I suppose. I'm fortunate to live in a part of the world where access to healthcare professionals has been made fairly easy and inexpensive.

Thank you for the repsonses

[(JD)]

If you're into some really good reading... there are two books I find fascinating:
The Owner's Manual for the Brain (by Howard?) and How the Mind Works by Pinker.

[noneedtoknow]

There is currently alot of research being down on brain trauma. In one area in particular is repetative injury due to sports. It is quite facinating and frankly scary. we now know that repetative blows to the brain can cause lasting life-long sequalea in all kinds of areas
Google brain Trauma for starters. Then brain trauma/depression. Brain trauma/mental illness. Neurology would probably be your best discipline for answers that you seek although the other disciplines are intertwined. Sounds like you have some facinating learning ahead of you. Hope it helps!

[eskielover]

I am so sorry that your head took so much damage as you were growing up......the one when you were a baby may have had the most effect on everything you are dealing with now....but add all the others to that.....it definitely has an effect. I know that if you go to a neurologist & psychotherapist & get all the Dx's behind you....that colleges in the US do have special help getting people through their college classes who have disabilities (this can range from learning to even mental illness issues even including anxiety). I went back to junior college after having my BS in accounting & computer science & a 15 year career that ended leaving me dealing with depression & anxiety....& they had special help available such as permission to record lectures, longer time to take tests.....etc.

I know how much Brain traumas do effect people. Sadly, there was an accident on the street in front of my farm. The boy that was driving ended up not only having some very serious bodily injuries, but after getting him cut out of the car & taken to the hospital, they realized all the head trauma he had. He was a senior in high school & after the accident ended up with the mental ability of a 3rd grader. With time & therapy....he will improve some.....but will never have the mental capacity he had before the accident.

Head trauma's are the reason why all of us who ride horses insist on helmets being worn. I remember falling while playing racquettball....my head smacked right into the wall. I was lucky that concussion didn't have an effect other than a lot of dizziness for awhile........but serious brain trauma does have all the effects that you are wondering about including effects on the personality.

We have another lady here at PC who deals with TBI (beadlady29)....a very special, loving, caring, wonderful lady here. She was hit by a school bus that caused the damage....know how much she struggles with it but even with her struggle, has the most amazing talent with beading jewelry....a talent beyond anything I have seen.....I'm sure you will meet her here on PC.

Here are some of the sites I found that might be helpful...."googling" or what ever search engine you use can bring you loads of information on Brain Injury, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), Brain Injury & personality...they also have areas in these sites about brain trauma's in children which might give you some valuable insight...also talks about testing that can determine what parts of your brain are really effected. They have done so much research on TBI's with all the war problems that have been occuring related to this.


Some highlights from braininjury.com:
http://www.braininjury.com/symptoms.html

http://www.braininjury.com/children.html

http://www.braininjury.com/diagnostic.html

http://www.braininjury.com/neuropsyc...cproblems.html

interesting: http://www.braininjury.com/recovery.html

Brain Trauma Foundation:
http://www.braintrauma.org/

National Institute of Neurological Disorders (TBI):
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/tbi/tbi.htm

TBIbraininjury.com:
http://www.tbibraininjury.com/infant-head-injury.php

http://www.tbibraininjury.com/brain-recovery.php

[rjdaws]

eskielover: wow thanks! Very useful links! I'd looked at the braininjury.com's Symptom's page before, which is what initially triggered my curiosity about brain damage as a cause of my problems. But I didn't really go through the site any more than that. Thanks!

I discussed the issue on another forum I frequent and someone mentioned some form of adult Autism could explain it as well. Some kids aren't diagnosed with anything (some parents probably don't even want to admit there may be a problem with their child), and some forms of Autism don't start showing up until adolescence, such as Asberger's.

I think I like ECHOES suggestion in that I should have some tests done by a neurologist and work with a psychotherapist as well.

I'll keep you guys posted as I learn more about my condition(s), if you like. Thank you all for the support and advice

[eskielover]

I agree.....think that tests would be the best thing....think there are some testing information in some of those sites. They can determine if the problem came from the head trauma as an infant along with the later injuries.....or whether it is some form of other problem. They have advanced so much farther in these areas now....I am sure that you will be able to get some helpful IRL answers......internet just points you to where you need to go for the help.

Wishing you the best with this...know how important things like this can be to our life & understanding ourselves better.

[beansy]

Hi
I was born with a vascular malformation (AVM) in my brain, which bled when I was 8 in 1959. I am a lucky person to be alive. That is really how I feel. But I forget I feel this way, I forget I cannot see to the left in both eyes, I forget to look, I walk into anything not supposed to be where it is, I fall into houses due to lighting change from daylight if there is a step, I get speechless and embarrassed. I totally forget which direction to go to get out of any new place, and with a crowded place, I just leave as fast as possible, thereby sometimes getting more lost. I tell you this because I have no doubt my brain bleed and surgery in 1959 and no rehab, no discussions, are directly related to the following:
OCD, ADD, depression, anxiety mostly social, panic, now under control, BDM (I have avoided all mirrors for a lot of years, not just cause I am not young anymore. I cannot look in a mirror, and am very good at avoiding them due to the nature of my vision.

Right now I am content, feel happy, am hungry, did a lot of work today. This could change at any time, depending on what happens. I am so much better in the past year than I have been, except for social angst, and the mirrors, so I am mostly trusting that I can handle what comes along. But who really knows? I am my own family. Knowing that is half the battle. I try to depend on myself at the same time as I am getting older. That is not easy. Worth it though.
beans