Judith Eve Lipton, M.D., and her husband, David Barash, Ph.D., authored a book entitled: Payback: Why We Retaliate, Redirect Aggression, and Take Revenge where they "... analyze the biology, ethology, sociology, and history of getting even, and in the last chapter, [they] describe a series of alternatives."

One alternative is The Forgiveness Protocol:

1. Say you are sorry.

2. Make an inventory of how your behavior might have hurt or harmed someone. Ask that person if the list is complete, and correct your list to reflect a complete account of the costs of your behavior.

3. Say you are sorry again. Be prepared to say this many times.

4. Tell the other person exactly how you understand the costs of your behavior, and allow the other person to vent, elaborate, or reiterate as needed so that the other person really feels heard.

5. Clarify with the other person if the behavior was a simple accident, a mistake, a mistaken calculation of costs and benefits, or a deliberate deed. This part is not easy and takes time and attention. "Thoughtlessness" is one of the most common sources of problems, and may reflect recurrent self-centeredness. Intentional acts of revenge or malice also require great insight to acknowledge.

6. Humbly ask forgiveness. Describe your inner state of guilt, remorse, sadness, grief, anger or whatever.

7. Describe what you have learned from the incident. Show insight and awareness, or yourself and your mistake, and the other person and his/her pain.

8. List what you will do or change to avoid a repetition of the incident.

9. Clarify what penalties to expect if you make a mistake, or transgress again. Discuss what each of you will do to avoid a repetition.

10. Say you are sorry, yet again.

Dr. Lipton explains:

Too many people believe that simply saying sorry one time should suffice, if we have hurt somebody's feelings. However, the legal code is more clear: if you hurt somebody's car, you have to pay the damages. It can be difficult to itemize emotional costs, but to heal, it must be done. In effect, the Forgiveness Protocol offloads the pain and suffering of a victim back onto the perpetrator, by making the perpetrator humble, thoughtful, and indebted, in other words, subordinated, with a need to pay back the injury with considerable amends. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...harmed-another

Forgiveness is a difficult concept for many to accept. I have benefited from resolving some of my problems through forgiveness. There are times I must remind myself forgiveness is a process. It does not happen overnight.

My Dad passed ten years ago. I talk to him nonetheless, and seek to forgive and to be forgiven.

[krisakira]

I basically did this on my own with my boyfriend last night (and many other times), when he admitted that I'd been interrupting him when he's trying to talk. i know its kinda minor but if you love each other you don't want to hurt them even in the slightest way so i told him i would work on it and i analyzed why i do it (I think its from being self-centered because of all the therapy and personal insight I've had to do to be better as a person, and therapy has opened me up to be more talkative to people i trust), and what i can do to work on letting him talk (patience, and becoming a better listener). he wasn't extremely upset about it in the first place but we both felt better afterward. ty for sharing this

[madisgram]

just to add another thought..in AA when we make amends we are taught that the victim of our transgression may not accept our amends. they may be sarcastic or be brutally verbally towards us. the important thing they remind us,AA, is that we had acknowledged and apologized to that person we have harmed. like "cleaning up our side of the street".
AA also teaches us that once we are aware of this character defect we need to strive to rid ourselves of the harmful behavior to others. that is another way of making amends. changing and improving our behaviors.

the only part of the article that i don't know if i agree with is repeated apologies to the same person. it's like keeping that person in that moment rather than getting on with their life as we should too. my T told me this re my son. i kept saying i'm sorry for all the things i did or didn't do while i was in the throes of alcoholism. T suggested i needed to move on and let my son off the hook rather than him saying, thank you, mom, over and over.

buffet's crticism of ayn rand i am not sure is aplicable either. it's been awhile since i read the fountainhead but i do know in atlas shrugged it was the rich and powerful that she criticized because they controlled others and their freedoms. she had a visionary approach to all that mankind can do in a negative way to others, imho. the chartacter in the book probably exhibited what she didn't believe in.
what say U?