need to get this out there...please comment

I think I'm getting better. Maybe new antidepressant, going to gym, not drinking...combination? Whatever. So this ramble became very clear to me...so clear I had to write it down on a napkin in Burger King.

I went to Atlantic City with a friend. Couple of days. I got the sniff and the cold shoulder from my parents...then came the panic attack right in the middle of Bally's casino...I was in New Jersey instead of sitting home in my crappy apartment on Long Island. I rarely go anywhere and I realize it's because I feel like I have more control if I'm near home in case "something?" goes "wrong?" Not with my health but some elusive "something." Hard to explain. Like maybe I'm in trouble at work and sitting home will make that better? This makes no sense and I'm not explaining it well. When I leave my comfort zone I feel like I have no control when in reality, NOTHING IS WRONG. Huge guilt over going someplace and having a good time while on SSDI and only working sixteen hours a week. Like, if I can have a good time, I should be getting a job. I depend on my parents for some financial assistance and they don't believe me when I try to explain about free stuff and comps and all that...my girlfriend gets everything free at atlantic city and vegas cause she knows how to play the game and gamble enough to keep a tier score...and so forth. I feel out of sorts if my parents don't know exactly what I'm doing and I have their approval. I'm forty eight and have been hospitalized/institutionalized over eighty times. I have never been on a vacation where you plan something, go, have fun and come home. Any vacation time I've ever used was to survive while hospitalized.

I'm going to Vegas. Took me two years with this woman to finally say yes I will go. The closer the trip gets the more trouble I have breathing.

I somehow believe that staying home, depressed and more than likely drunk, justifies my social security disability.

I am also coming to believe that my parents are somehow weirdly invested in my illness and keeping me sick. Not on purpose. If I can't come up with something to be afraid of, trust me, they have plenty.

Can anyone comment on this? Please?

i believe your anxiety is completely normal what is you biggest fear about going to vegas

I have panic disorder and feel anxiety about leaving my "safe zone," which isn't really a safe zone (I have worries of things that could happen to me at home), rather, it's a "safer zone." I understand your worry about going to Vegas. I'm not sure I could do it, partly because I'm agoraphobic, but also for other reasons. (I'm not putting those reasons here, because I don't want to give you new things to worry about if you don't already.) I hope you go and have a good time.

I don't like everyone to know everything about me, including my mother, but I need to know there are people near, should I need help or get panicky. So far, my neighbors don't know there's a person in their neighborhood who could have an attack and show up at one of their doors, begging for help, to not be left alone. So far, I've managed to stave off an attack like that. I don't want to be the neighborhood freak or mental weirdo.

Your parents may be contributing to your problems, but it's probably because they want to protect you.

Agoraphobic fears typically involve characteristic clusters of situations that include being outside the home alone; being in a crowd or standing in a line; being on a bridge; and traveling in a bus, train, or automobile.
A person who experiences agoraphobia avoids such situations (e.g., travel is restricted) or else they endure with significant distress or with anxiety about having a Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms.
i hope this article may help youhttp://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx29.htm
and this one http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001921/

one suggested treatment is...The behavioral part of cognitive behavioral therapy involves changing unwanted or unhealthy behaviors through desensitization, sometimes called exposure therapy. This technique helps you safely face the places and situations that cause fear and anxiety. A therapist may join you on outings to help you stay safe and comfortable, such as trips to the mall or driving your car. The more you go to feared places and realize you're okay, the more your anxiety will lessen. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ago...ents-and-drugs
i used desensitization to help me. small amounts of time outside and continued lengths of time to overcome my UNKNOWN FEARS. actually nothing bad was going to happen but try to convince me!
as for your trip..it may be a little premature to go.
also, abusing alcohol is a common self medication that can lead you to where u don't want to go-alcoholism or alcohol dependency.
sorry for long post but hope this helps you.

Thank you for your insightful answers. I never figured on agoraphobia but I know my mom has something like that...I am an adult woman who is capable of making decisions and I should be able to remember that. I also think that if I were with a man and not a woman I wouldn't be getting so much chill from my parents. Whatever. Who said, "Feel the fear and do it anyway?" After I read your comments I called my sister in Seattle whom I can trust with anything. Vegas is nearer to Seattle than New York, obviously and she told me if anything went wrong, call her immediately and she will figure something out. My parents don't know I'm going and I'm not telling them. It should all be good, difficult but good. And, @ Maven: please don't add the neighbor thing to your worries it only gives the worry more strength. It is what it is and eff the neighbors. Get phone numbers and identify a safe place to go. That's what I did after the second ambulance visit. The neighbors asked and my landlady told them it was none of their business. People understand and people want to help. Hey, message me and I'll give you my number if you want. DBT has helped me as well as some cognitive therapy. Thank you everybody. This site is great.

I go through this sort of thing ,once I am out the door and on the road I am ok. If you forget something you can always buy it there. Go have a good time everything will be fine!

Do you have any meds to take if you have a panic attack. I do.

I feel that way all the time. My disability is a private plan, so I get it because I am not able to do the job I was trained to do. But I worry when I am feeling good. It has been 10 years since I worked as an MD...every time I get a bit better, I am scared to death my pdoc will tell me, "Time to get back to work for you". I worry about posting things on my FB page...about what a good vacation I had, how I feel pretty good...is my holder of my disability plan garnering info about me so they can dispute my claim? (Paranoid, anyone?) When I feel good, I think to myself...you are just faking it...you are better enough to start working...but inevitably, I have a cycle...even though I am on meds, and it reminds me that, even if I were to go back to work, I wouldn't last long. I'd be in the ER in about 1 week.
I do live in fear, though, that after 10 years...and apparent loss of all my education, my psychiatrist will tell me one day, "You're better...back to work". I feel guilty because I am not always "really bad, really sick" and draw my monthly check.

You're not being paranoid about postings on your FB page. Comedian Wanda Sykes attacked the Workers Comp agency for denying a woman's claim, saying that she was smiling in her photos. Sykes then said, "is she supposed to look like this?", holding her hand up to her temple like a pistol while making the expression of an extremely said person. So, do be careful with your wording on FB.

Should your psychiatrist say those fearful words about going back to work, just tell him/her what you shared with us. If that's not good enough, work at week and your proof will be documented -- pressure off.

As for your education and skills, who knows when they will come in really handy. You can't unlearn them, after all.

xoxo,

Terri