[LMo]

you said that "Leaving" posts and posts in all-capital letters triggers you...

Triggered in what way? What happens to you? It bothers you so much that you want to leave?

That would be an interesting topic to explore in therapy. IM me if you want

[Gemstone]

plese dont leve bear

allie

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks LMo... I will IM you, probably tomorrow!

Allie, I wont leave! Just my triggeryness, sorry hon

[SeptemberMorn]

Maybe Fuzzy meant the "I'm leaving" games??

[LMo]

Can you please elaborate? It's frustrating to get one liners without any explanation. Maybe this is something we can work out?

[Fuzzybear]

sorry if you find me frustrating! That wasn't my intention. Septembermorn had it pretty much right in her post.

Fuzzy

PS the reason I deleted my post was because I didn't want to create more "drama".. I am "oversensitive" to that, probably because I have been wrongly accused of stuff. I never lie or play games And I find titles in all capitals triggering because I have received some flames in capital letters. It looks to me, at the very least, that the person is shouting..... or perhaps demanding attention in some cases?

At least no one can accuse me of being a "people pleaser" with this post.

I am not "up" to describing exactly how I am triggered on a public board.

Thanks

[Fuzzybear]

please read post above

[LMo]

You're not frustrating! I just want to talk more. PM/IM me if you want.

I never want to call the "leaving" posts a game, but I can see how others would take them that way. I mean, not a game in the sense that they're posting and then giggling over the responses. This topic has already been covered, but I think that there are some members who sincerely want to let others know that they'll be gone so that nobody gets worried, and others who secretly hope that others will beg them to stay.

Either way, though, if you find it triggering, then that's something about YOU that you should probably try to resolve. Face it -- people aren't going to altogether stop posting their "leaving" posts. It's inevitable. The only thing you can change is your response.

So, do you mean triggering in an annoyed way, or triggering in a fear of abandonment way? What happens to you when you are triggered?

[LMo]

ok - just read your response. Feel free to PM or IM if you want.

[Fuzzybear]

I can answer that part. When someone who was a "friend" suddenly leaves I used to have severe abandonment issues and even "acted out" sometimes, with "disasterous" results. I don't think some people want to realise how devastating severe abandonmment issues are. They aren't something that can be ignored or snapped out of any more than the aftermath to rape can

Nor do they make someone "defective" any more than being raped does Abandoment issues in my case are the result of childhood abuse and neglect. Not something that should be punished with further abuse.

I am working on my abandonment issues. When a "friend" leaves now, I hardly react, EXTERNALLY.

It is their choice, although at least it could be done with kindness and respect...... I would hope

When I feel that someone is playing a game, I feel angry. Especially as I was WRONGLY accused of playing a game when I was in great pain and triggered

Thanks for replying
,
Take care
Fuzzy

[LMo]

Do you really see people leaving as further abuse of you? I mean, if one of your friends here were to leave, wouldn't you still keep in contact with them?

I still don't know about the games. Maybe I'm naive, but I can think of only about 2 people during our 3 years here that I truly thought were playing games for their own entertainment. I THINK that most of the time when people threaten to leave, it's because they are feeling hurt and are retreating to lick their wounds, but hope that the other members would ask them to stay.

I just think of the times when I've had friends here who have decided to leave. If I thought they were serious, I immediately PMed them and gave them my contact info so that we could keep in touch outside of PC. In most cases, I still do keep in touch with those people. They weren't abandoning ME personally. I think in some of the cases here, when people leave PC, they aren't abandoning the members personally -- just the overall overwhelming society here.

That's how I see it, anyway.

[SeptemberMorn]

[Fuzzybear]

I don't see someone leaving here as further abuse of me. I am not always very clear

Thanks for your thoughts and for sticking with this dialogue

One thing I hate is hit and run posting

Take care,
Fuzzy

[LMo]

Ok, so since we can't control (other than asking) whether people post in all caps or say that they are planning to leave PC, what can we do as your friends to help you when people do that? Assure you that they aren't referring to you? I'm willing to try, because being triggered I'm sure is not very fun.

[Fuzzybear]

well.... if it was my board I might PM people who did those things a lot

I feel those behaviours are somewhat "disrespectful" to others....

I had better go back to my cave before I make more "enemies" here

Take care,
Fuzzy

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks LMo... being triggered sucks

I will think more about this and let you know if I come up with anything....


Fuzzy

[hereiam]

I don't like it when people post in all caps either. It makes me feel like they are yelling, and I hate yelling. Or I feel like they are just screaming out for attention, almost like they deserve their post to be seen more than anyone elses, and I don't like that either. It's my problem, I know, but still. I feel ya on that one, Fuzzy.

[Fuzzybear]

thanks hereiam, that is how I feel as well!

Take care,
Fuzzy

(edited for spelling)

[LMo]

Hmmm... ok, that's an interesting perspective. So it's not so much a feeling of being abandoned as it is being disrespected?

I don't take it that way, myself. It seems to me that the people who do it are feeling very self-absorbed at the time and aren't really thinking of others... so yeah, in a sense I guess it IS disrespectful, but it's not coming from a mean motive but rather their way of coping.

I wouldn't even know what to say in a PM (except for the all-caps people). "Don't post that you're leaving"? "Don't post things that might trigger others"? I'm not sure what I would do if I owned the board. Maybe create a "Hellos and Goodbyes" forum instead of keeping it in General. But I think that's what the Internet Traveller's Forum is intended for, although the name of it always throws me off for some reason.

[SeptemberMorn]

Here, when I first started visiting the Internet, message boards and chat rooms, there was a page of Internet Ettiquette where it mentioned that typing in all caps IS "considered shouting, therefore rude."

I'm in total agreement with your post! This is just me, but I can't see what's so dang hard about making a statement that you need attention. Personally, I prefer the direct approach like... "Hey, Guys... I'm feeling really lonely and misunderstood right now..."

Then comes the time when you HAVE to take matters into your own hands and give YOURSELF that attention that you need! Guess some people just haven't learned they can do that, I guess.

[LMo]

Giving yourself attention doesn't do much to ease the feeling of being misunderstood, though. I can relate to that. What would be better is if the misunderstood member would try to resolve the misunderstanding or argument, perhaps in Chat with the help of a Mod or other member who they trust to stay objective.

[LMo]

the all-caps thing doesn't happen that much, though. That one is easily handled.

[SeptemberMorn]

There comes a time when you need to learn it. Only the person needing the attention knows what they really need.

I've learned this the hard way!!

[LMo]

Hopefully we will all become so evolved one day.... but it's much easier said than done -- I know that. You've been great, September, about posting the lessons you've learned along the way, both here in General and also in Self-Esteem. I've learned a lot from reading them and I hope you post more of them.

[SeptemberMorn]

Wait!! "Misundertood" was MY word. It wasn't the original issue. But yes, giving yourself attention works there, too. You tell your self "Self, I understand you and your needs. I understand what you feel and why. You have every right to feel that way." It's a self-affirmation thing.