big decision

Well as u know i was put on abifiy. Weird name for a very small pill that i cant swallow and taste like poopie (and no i have not tasted poopie so dont question me on that :P ) But when i went to my psych appt we basically talked about how dumb it was of me to go off prozac (and i admit it was dumb and NO ONE TRY IT EITHER) and how my mood is going all over the place. A topic that did come up was hospitalization. I have been feeling so down and thoughts of suicide has been coming up in my mind and even plans. I feel that my work is being compisated with all the thoughts in my head. Im not concetrating well im very finiky about how i do things cause i dont want to screw up. And all this is causing me to slow down which that is NOT ALLOWED. being slow will mean the rooms now getting done and the rooms not getting done means i will get fired and if i get fired i wll be more depressed, then iwill loose my car and if i loose my car i cant drive to get a job and if i cant drive i might as well d*e. This is what goes through my mind all the time. I cant shut it off. So now my boss has been very stressed out cause of people who call in all the damn time, and i cant talk to her about what my psych and i talked about. I feel i need to be hospitalized but my family will look down at this as a attention act most likley. I dont know what to do. I look at it like this if i do my family will make my life miserable and i will be back to this stage again. If i dont i seriously think i will do something life threatning like run readlights cause i just dont care or swerve around the lanes, speed through town, or worse hurt myself. So both options are grim for me. I know how my family will react cause they reacted like how i described to my other cousin just not as bad. I know they will react worse to me cause im suppost to be the perfect child. the best, the one that has no problems. I mean really they freaked when they found out i had bipolar and generalized anxiety disorder. I was treated like a two year old. Ugh im tired and i slept for 20 hours allready. I am such a lazy fat @ss. Still gaining weight. So now im lost at what to do. And i was told by my therapist that state hosp in fergus falls is not as nice as other hosp like st cloud for example. anyone been to state hosp? And can u tell me what its like? thats what im questioning too is how is a state hospital like?

There is only one decision Blackdragon....Do You Need Help or Not?....don't worry about jobs, about what ppl will think, or anything like that...You've already articulated very well your state of mind...and I'd rather see you get the help you need to be happy and healthy longterm than see you struggle to maintain the current status when you know that you can't do it much longer anyway....keeping you in my thoughts...grace

Are you gonna risk your health because some people will look down on you for it? I mean, if you go on like this, you WILL lose your job, your car, all of that. But you will better be able to maintain if you were hospitalized. Personally, I'd tell the family to go to hell if they don't care about you...or care more about what other people will think!

Get the treatment you need now before it's too late!