[splitimage]

I had an appointment with my addictions Dr. today. I also see her for counselling. I was honest with her and told her I was really struggling. I told her about my massive desires to drink over the long weekend and how I'd gotten through it by doubling my antabuse dose, but that lately I was feeling that things were just kind of pointless. Big mistake. I try as much as possible to be honest with my Dr's otherwise what's the point in seeing them right? So she asked if I wanted to hurt myself, and I said yes but hadn't - I have a long history of SI, and then she asked about SU. I told her yes I was suicidal. Now before anyone freaks out, I have absolutely no intention of killing myself, at least not today or tomorrow. But she asked if I had a plan - yes, and I told her what was scary to me, was not being suicidal, I'm pretty much always suicidal - have been since I was in grade 4, I just don't let it bother me. It's just now that I have a definite plan, the means to carry it out, and I'm seeing it as a realistic option, as opposed to just a feeling like I might want to kill myself sometime. Naturally this freaked her out. I don't blame her, she has liability issues around anyone who expresses suicidal intent, but we wound up getting into a big long discussion about safety and how I'd keep myself safe tonight. She wound up dragging in the nurse I see most often in groups, and talking about me with another pdoc (I could overhear the conversation) about whether she should put me on a form 1 - that's the first stage in ON, on getting someone admitted involuntarily to a psych hospital.

I have a complete terror of getting admitted on a form, as once you're in - it can be kind of hard to get out, and I really can't afford to be in a psych hospital right now, I need to be job hunting.

Anyway she made me sign a contract that if I did get to the point where I thought I might act on my urges - I'd go to CAMH, which is my psych hospital. And she's insisting I come in and talk with my nurse for a one-on-one next week since she can't see me again until the following week.

I find it ironic. My addictions Dr. is way more worried about my suicide risk than my pdoc is - he's way more worried about me relapsing.

Don't worry anyone. I'm going to my AA meeting tonight, which will be good for me, and I'll stay safe. I have another group to go to at Branson tomorrow.

I just freaking hate that once you're in the system as a psych patient, you're so much more at risk of being put on an involuntary hold.

--splitimage

(((((splitimage)))))

Living in Ontario as well, I know all about the dreaded forms. Even though the Form 1 is only 3 days, it's a pain in the butt!

You seem to know yourself very well. I'm sure you know the difference between suicidal thinking and suicidal intent, and I'd hope that if it were intent, you would allow yourself to be formed. However, if you aren't truly suicidal (as in, going to act on your plan), then I'm glad you weren't put in the hospital. I imagine it would be very depressing to be put in a hospital when it's not required.

That being said, I hope that things start to look up for you soon. If you ever need to chat with someone, feel free to send me a message.

[Merlin]

Admittedly, it's slightly different in Alberta, but we have the Form 1 too and I hate it. Here, one form is a 24 hour hold for assessment and two forms is a 30 day hold.

I told a T once that I would probably lie to her if I was suicidal and she said she knew. So apparently I am predictable.

I did get to experience the Ontario Form 1 too once. Fortunately, that time has passed for me.

[madisgram]

thanks for sharing what's going on, splitimage. first thought i had re SU- i had been asked that question multiple times in rehabs, psych wards, therapy, etc. one day i realized my continuing to drink was the plan. not intentionable or deliberate but that's what happens to alcoholics. if they don't stop the cyle of abuse we are promised jails, institutions and death. i recall you losing a person who attended AA. it upset you as i have been upset many many times over the yrs. each one i knew well that died from alcoholism or overdose. alcohol abuse kills far more than ppl recovering from it. i really don't think you want that outcome but if you don't address why you want to escape from life you're going to drink. so i'm not addressing the other part of your post cause drinking is what i got a "degree" in before i got sober. so i'm reminding you of the real skippy. it's time, imho, that you get serious. not maybe long term serious but real long term serious about your drinking. antibuse is just stalling your next drunk. why not stop drinking without the crutch? i recall why they recommended it but if i can get sober and stay stopped without antibuse then you can too. no need for all the froo-froo/antibuse, etc. re your quote, wanting to drink-

I told her about my massive desires to drink over the long weekend and how I'd gotten through it by doubling my antabuse dose, but that lately I was feeling that things were just kind of pointless

what is the payoff for your desire to drink after acquiring some sobriety? it is pointless if you "take your will back". maybe you haven't hit your next low bottom on the rung to a living hell. how much are willing to sacrifice for the elixir of alcohol abuse? haven't you beat yourself up enough or do you want to have another go of it? i'm sure you already can imagine the price you will pay. it gets worse everytime we pick up again if we don't die and then it's over.
my post is not to offend you. it is what i'd tell anyone irl at AA that thinks this way. of course it's your choice what you do. i just had to say what i'm saying. they say when we try to help another we strengthen our own resolve. thank you helping me "keep it green", 21 yrs later. no sarcasm intended. just the plain truth.

[turquoisesea]

buah that sounds scary with the forms. They have some kind of similar system in the US and I've always been scared of being involuntarily admitted too.

I'm really glad to hear that you are safe for now, and are taking steps to get better. Know the next few days might be tough so

[googley]

(((((((((((SplitImage)))))))))))

I'm sorry you have been feeling so awful. How are you doing tonight? If you feel worse, please do reach out for help.

[Indie'sOK]

I'm glad you feel comfortable about sharing with us, splitimage, and I'm glad you did so. Strange how that process works. Is it similar in the US or are there no forms here?

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

[googley]

Indie-
There is a similar thing in the US. Here it is usually called "being sectioned" and the section has to do with what part of the mental health law the rules for involuntary hospitalization are written in. So it changes from state to state. A lot of states allow for a 72 hour section. After that they have to go to court to prove that you are a danger to yourself or others to continue to hold you.

[nicoleb2]

I have been put on a 72 hour hold several times. The problem then becomes if they want to keep you longer and you don't want to stay, they will begin commitment proceedings which could then end up with you being locked in a psych ward for 6+ months

[jbug]

I have been involuntarily committed to the psych ward once. My parents decided I would just check myself out when I got bored and go home before I was ready so they went to court to have me committed.

It wasn't too bad the worst thing was being shackled like I was a prisoner and having to climb stairs in the shackles.

I was real angry after that but looking back now I realize it was a good thing.

[Merlin]

I am surprised that they take you to an actual courtroom. I know that here you can appeal the forms and the committee that decides whether or not they are cancelled, i.e. you are free leave against medical advice, comes directly to the hospital where you are being treated. Still your system may be better. Here you are not guaranteed a hearing until 3 weeks after you submit your appeal.

[googley]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I am surprised that they take you to an actual courtroom. I know that here you can appeal the forms and the committee that decides whether or not they are cancelled, i.e. you are free leave against medical advice, comes directly to the hospital where you are being treated. Still your system may be better. Here you are not guaranteed a hearing until 3 weeks after you submit your appeal.

OMGosh, 3 weeks is a long time. That sucks.