[IRVAFGI]

My life as a child was that of a typical american from a small town in upstate NY. I joined the AF in 2004 been doing it ever since. Unfortunately in 2007 i deployed to IRAQ and in my DAFSC/ MOS/ JOB i worked the majority of the time outside the wire driving convoys. I witnessed multiple horrific events. Never directly contacted by a IED but drove over plenty and saw the results of being just in front and just behind them going off. I came back and had some anger/ trust/ anxiety/ mental/ subconscious issues. Never sought out any help as most men wouldn't. I just sucked it up until one day the cork just popped off the bottle and i got to a point that i had to speak to a Chaplin or i was going to end my life for the benefit of my family. Fortunately i had some good friends and a great wife that saw the signs and got me some help before i seriously hurt myself of someone else. Well in early 2011 after moving across the world Literally. I got orders to go back and i was really ambitious about it. I felt like i would get to see some major changes and have a second chances at helping people that are really in need of it. Once again out side the wire for extended periods of time driving line haul convoys as the lead vehicle and later becoming the second in charge ACC. Once again the IED's were blowing up and the Trucks were getting destroyed and the serious fear for your life was abundant again. It's not talked about because we all consider it bad luck. But we all know its there, your always thinking, is it my turn, is it going to hit my truck. If it hits will it penetrate the armor. Will the IED be a EFP? Will it be here or there of over there or under that or this or in that. The list goes on and on and on just a constant anxiety of this could be your last drive, your last breath, your last good by to your family. Typically 6-10hrs. Then we reach our RON destination (**** HOLE), Deal with the stress of the job itself and finally after 18-20hrs get to bed down for 12hrs. Then it starts all over again, and goes on for 6-14 days periods for 6-8months. Hell i would lay in my old nasty cot and as mortars would fly into the base i could literally sleep through them landing within a few hundred yards. As you can probably tell at this point its not your Typical job. I'm back home and have been for 3 months and i'm just lost. I seriously DESPISE my home station job, i feel like a robot, i have not interest in what i do. My mood is always either HI or low. I can't seem to feel good. I'm working a horrible swing shift with people i don't know. I don't eat well or at typical times, i feel tired all the time, my body is just numb to pleasures. I can't get out of this hole and as a result to my wife getting out of the military i am now finical in the RED typically living from check to check Barely getting by. The reason my wife got out was because we did the same job and haveing experience most of the same things, she fell into some serious depression when i had to go back. I just don't know what to do. I can't stand thinking about going back to work tomorrow. It's not difficult it's monotonous, stupid, could train a monkey to do it and i just absolutely HATE IT. At this point i have to drink a night cap to get to sleep, i wake up early to see my boys off to school and grab a couple more hrs before i have to go back to work. I can't explain what is happening to me i just know that it is. I feel unsatisfied with my life at this time and my contributions to society as a hole. I am a very intelligent person, aside from writing that is, please don't mind my punctuation and grammar. I have a mechanical back ground, as well as a vast experience in biological,chemistry and physics. I love to break everything down to its simplest process and build it back up and try to improve or understand how and why it works. I fee like its in my nature to do that. I need help, i just can't explain it but something has to give i don't know what is wrong with me but i feel it in my bones something is not ok. I'm not calling it PTSD because i don't think it is. I have seen IED's go off, i have seen dead bodies, i have seen skeletons burning, i have seen vehicles blow up, i had mortars land around me both in a tent and while on the road driving. I have had nightmares of my family being kidnapped, i have had nightmares of myself being kidnapped by terrorist. I have flashes of Blood and Guts and dismembered bodies all mashed together in to a red mural in my head. After the first deployment i had cold sweets for about 2 years. bad enough to have to change my sheets or sleep on top of the comforter. You could literally see a outline of my body. They have come back since my return but there frequency is much less, usually about once a week. If there is anyone out there that can put all this information into something that makes sense please help me. I just don't under stand what is wrong with me. I'm not going to kill my self either i love my boys and my wife, i'm just BLAHHHHHH, on so many levels. Hi / Low depressed, ashamed, anxious, tight, loose, tired, wired, weak, strong.... I can't make sense of anything i have trouble concentrating and listening and working on simple tasks. I feel like i'm going crazy.

[dragonfly2]

Originally Posted by IRVAFGI

My mood is always either HI or low. I can't seem to feel good. I'm working a horrible swing shift with people i don't know.

First, let me say thank you for your service to our country. I used to work at our local VA Hospital and it was an honor to serve those who have served.

I've highlighted this small part of your post because it's the part that really stands out to me. Can you describe your high moods? I think I can understand your lows pretty well from what you've posted...but what does it look like at the other end of the spectrum? Do you currently see a psychiatrist or a counselor? If not, I'd suggest getting in to see someone soon and having a full evaluation. Of course we cannot diagnose you here at PC, but my first thought reading your post was a possible bipolar disorder, which is why I'm inquiring about your high moods. And the highs of bipolar aren't always happy ones. They can be angry and agitated as well. Shift work and difficult schedules can make it worse. The good thing is that it's very treatable and can be managed.

Call your doctor and tell them everything you've told us. And make sure they know about your high moods, even if you feel really good during them. You deserve to feel better. You were willing to end your life for your family....make a phone call for them instead.

[IRVAFGI]

My Hi's are as you described very different from anything to being angry to being excited and telling stories. My current job requires me to be able to flip my attitude on and off like a switch. I feel closed, i am willing to get help but i'm having trouble taking that first step. Picking up the phone and scheduling the appointment. Some days i deal with it better then others.

[dragonfly2]

The first phone call is always the hardest. Sort of like the first post on a forum...you made it through that. You can do this.

I'm not sure if you're connected with your local VA Medical Center, but here's the VA's mental health website to get you started:

http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/

I know there's a push to get our new veterans connected to services pretty quickly after you've returned home. They should be able to get you in fairly soon.

If one of your boys were not well, would you hesitate to call the doctor? Your boys need their dad. Please call.

[Perna]

Think of the abrupt changes; from hyper danger to killing boredom! You're like an emotional member of the 300 degree club! http://antarcticnet.tripod.com/300club.html

I would desperately try to find something in the middle distance? Concentrate on when you can get out and what you might like to do; learn to daydream again, for real. Have you a college degree? Could you work with an online college like UMUC http://www.umuc.edu/military/ that caters to military members and help yourself retrain your focus?