[desirae]

I don't mean to crowd the general with all my stupid crap...but I need to say this, I'm hoping in some way it will help me, although it more than likely won't. No offense intended at all....it's just me, I'm unable to grasp even the simple things.

I think I am losing it.....losing reality.

I'm so so so so freaking low right now, the guilt has sunken in to me, I hate that feeling, it's almost not worth dealing with it.

You know I have tried my damnedest to get together, to grow up, and to be a good person......I'm failing in all the wrong ways.

I have no idea who I am.....I'm so desperate I transform into anything, anybody...just to fit into the occasion......who in the hell am I?

Seriously my stomach hurts.....it hurts so bad!...Guilt knots are physically straining, I dont know what to do anymore, they are wearing me out.

My daughter has a huge knot on her head! How did it get there!......I'm a horrible person, she must have feel or bumped it and I wasn't paying attention, then when she cried I must have ignored her.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.....I'm so sick with myself.

Maybe I should go eat a cookie or some pizza to help relieve my pain.......then I can gain 50 pounds and be even more depressed.....that would make my life just %#@&#! perfect.
I'm so tired.

Hey. Sometimes it helps to talk through stuff... To know we are not alone, that other people go through similar stuff, to know that people care.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low :-( I've been feeling a bit low myself over the last week or so :-( But I think I'm starting to come right. I'm so glad... I was worried I was on a down hill slide. Lots of stuff was happening for me. That time of the month, fighting off being sick, feeling so very tired... It is nearing the end of winter for you guys, eh? That is a drag in itself... And then there is always other stuff going on too...

Guilt is a hard one. It is probably the emotion that I struggle the most in dealing with too :-( Guilt... Sometimes I think I have a generalised guilt around being alive :-( And that guilt... Just attaches to various objects or things that happen...

Growing up... If I think I need to 'grow up' it isn't so helpful for me. I feel depressed / worse just at the thought... My guess would be that you don't like feeling this way and if you had the choice you wouldn't feel this way. Knowing or seeing what to do to come out of it... Well that is really very hard. It is a hard place to be in :-(

I think you want to be a good person
(Whether you think you are a good person or not it seems that you want to be a good person, you would like to be one)
And that is something about you :-)
Because some people don't care about being a good person. They are happy not being a good person.
So that is one thing about you :-)
I think having the desire to be a good person... Makes you a good person in a way :-)

I'm not so sure who I am either... Sometimes it can help to... List things that you like. Things that you enjoy. Things that are important to you (like being a good person). I think those things (the combination of things) is what makes each person unique :-) Different people have different things they want to be. Different things are important to them. Different things are enjoyable to them.

> My daughter has a huge knot on her head! How did it get there!......I'm a horrible person, she must have feel or bumped it and I wasn't paying attention, then when she cried I must have ignored her.

You know... Kids do hurt themselves sometimes. I don't think it is possible to prevent all their hurts. If you heard her and you were able to attend to her... You would have. Somtimes... Energy can be hard. Do you think you need some support in looking after her? There isn't any shame in that... Looking after a kid can be hard work... I don't know that I could do it... Or is it just that you worry about it... I don't know...

re your pain... Would it help to have a good cry? Sometimes that helps me.

Can you do something nice for yourself. Have a nice hot bubblebath or something like that?

I'm sorry things are hard for you at the moment :-(

[Sabrina]

You are very hard on yourself Desirae. You are a very good mother. My son has had countless scrapes that I have not noticed. You did nothing wrong and your daughter having a bump on her head does not make you a horrible person. You can't see everything all the time.

I am really sorry you feel so low I hope things ease up for you soon!

[January]

(((((((((((((( Des )))))))))))))))))))

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Hugs,

Jan

[mrb020377]

(((((((((((((((Desirae))))))))))))))))))

[bebop]

des honey don't be so hard on yourself. kids fall and sometimes we never know it. you are not a bad person. I know I too try to be like others around me instead of just being me. but I am not sure who I am either at times. I have always been someone's wife or mother. mrs and mommy. maybe now that my kids are grown I can figure that one out lol..luv ya hon