[venusss]

Been doing a lot of thinking and talking lately.

And today, in a class, I asked a question about who of us would get out there to risk our lifes for the ideals we are spewing....

hmmm.... I dwelled in ivory tower way too long for my own good. That year when I wanted to get job and started building a real career and be awesome... the less is said about it the better.

I blamed it on crisis, but maybe I should try harder to find a job, be more persuative and advertise myself better.

I am glad I went back to school, but now I am at the same point.... getting into real life. I tried before and failed miserably.

what if I will not succeed?


I was looking at volunteer position in Georgia, but deep inside I know that I would be using that as "awful place, with slight chances of turning messy, far far faaaaaaaaar away". Escapism. As much as I care about teaching Easties English... I know what my main motivation here would be.

I am afraid to send CV and cover letters to big *** organizations, for fear they'd turned me down (I was turned down by Amnesty International. I was told "you are very white" and got tangled in debating Bosnia. I would know better next time around, but still. It hurt). But that is what I want to do.

Never been in real relationship, because I "want to settle down first", but I don't want to settle down, because I "need to find myself first" and "see the world". I have hard time finding myself.

Sometimes I say I am too depressed, too anxious to.......... I need time. But how much time shall I ask for?

I wanted to be further on in my life. I regret all the things I didn't do. That I didn't try harder at times. I shoulda fought more at times.

How do I force myself to live fully? At the moment I am obsessing over my thesis and as much as it is important to me, I know it is just a formality and won't change a thing. I shouldn't take it SOOOO seriously. And I am afraid that once I finish I will come up with next obsession..........

I wanna start living the moment I graduate.... but I kinda feel I don't know how. All what I did till now seems fake, substitute for something, a cover up.

How does one do the living thing, when they have issues and problems and scars on soul and baggage to carry around?

[Open Eyes]

And today, in a class, I asked a question about who of us would get out there to risk our lifes for the ideals we are spewing....

Not that many to be honest, talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words.

I blamed it on crisis, but maybe I should try harder to find a job, be more persuative and advertise myself better.

Well, you werent ready yet, but yes, I think you should try to advertise yourself more and not be afraid to be persuasive and respectful at the same time.

When I first started my business I was nervous about advertizing and at the time the net was not popular etc. So I designed cute flyers and hung them around everywhere I could think. And I didn't know how I would feel about it. But it got my business growing and sent me a message as well, have faith and keep trying and it CAN produce. And yes everything I did learn in my temping did help.

am glad I went back to school, but now I am at the same point.... getting into real life. I tried before and failed miserably.

Structure is a comfort, learning is a comfort and gives a sense of empowerment as well. But taking these tools/knowledge and applying them is a challenge and everyone gets nervous about that. Failed miserably? Well, maybe on your terms at the time, maybe you just set your sites too high at the time as well. And you may have been comparing yourself to others too much as well. Venus has to follow her heart and style not that of others, that is not being fair to you.

what if I will not succeed? This is what everyone askes when they do anything really. Remember, we also learn from failures too. Nothing you do is going to be perfect right off the bat. You have not really had a chance yet to develope your own skills yet using what you have learned. Hey, this takes time to accomplish for everyone.

Never been in real relationship, because I "want to settle down first", but I don't want to settle down, because I "need to find myself first" and "see the world". I have hard time finding myself.

Yes, I have noticed you are trying to find yourself. But we tend to find that as we actually do things. I remember when I started working and it wasn't what I wanted but I learned somethings about myself and about others as well. I also did some temp work and that put me in a lot of different places. I found that I actually liked working that way and got to see how different businesses ran and how different people interacted in those environments. I saw similarites in the soap opera atmospheres that took place with the regular workers. Oh, I was tickled pink that I never was involved in that. I actually began to enjoy seeing who was on what rung of whodom in each place.

LOL, sometimes if I sat next to the one who knew all the dope on everyone, oh I got to hear a lot. After all, I was no one special, no threat so I was never really sized up, but got to listen to how it was done. Interesting what you can learn starting on lower levels.

I am afraid to send CV and cover letters to big *** organizations, for fear they'd turned me down (I was turned down by Amnesty International. I was told "you are very white" and got tangled in debating Bosnia. I would know better next time around, but still. It hurt). But that is what I want to do.

Well, you learned something, and yes it can hurt sometimes, but that is when you learn to grow thicker skin next time, part of how to survive in the world. Keep trying people respect those that keep trying and get beyond that first hurt. People like people who have the guts to keep trying because it proves they not only want it but are willing to put forth the effort to get it.

Sometimes I say I am too depressed, too anxious to.......... I need time. But how much time shall I ask for?

You are a toe dipper at the edge of a pool. You look nice in your suit and don't want to just get wet, you are thinking of how cold the water is at first and no one likes that. Need time??? that is toe dipping how much time????More toe dipping and that doesn't work. You have to make up your mind that you have to start getting wet. Just do it and get to the low end of the pool and walk down the steps, so get use to each level but keep pushing yourself to get in deeper eventually you are up to your waste and then you say, oh hell, and just get it over with and then you begin to swim. And you gotta get in a swim Venus too and you don't have to be the best swimmer to enjoy the pool either.

How do I force myself to live fully? At the moment I am obsessing over my thesis and as much as it is important to me, I know it is just a formality and won't change a thing. I shouldn't take it SOOOO seriously. And I am afraid that once I finish I will come up with next obsession..........

This is just another way of toe dipping. Get that thesis done, enjoy doing it and go to the low end of the pool and start going down those stairs. No more toe dipping (that is what you tell yourself).

I wanna start living the moment I graduate.... but I kinda feel I don't know how. All what I did till now seems fake, substitute for something, a cover up.

That is because you only toe dip, you can get over that. And fake? oh that is because you have been working around the knowledge of others in books and school. Well, cover up? No not really because you have been gaining knowledge but you have to gain experience yet, and you can't toe dip about it. And shooting right for the top is being too hard on yourself, head down the steps first it will amaze you in what you learn. Being in that low place is what helps you have better footing and balance at the top.

How does one do the living thing, when they have issues and problems and scars on soul and baggage to carry around?

Try to remind yourself that you are only a human being and most human beings do have issues, problems and scars on their souls and yes, some baggage to carry too. Remember no one gets out alive anyway.

I think you are trying very hard and you do have many good ideas and are your own person in many ways. The best way to move through the human race is to remember that others ARE going to have their baggage and worries and opinions as well, respect that and know it is not your responsiblity to fix them but to find your way around them gently so you can continue to learn, respect, and grow. And yes, you learned something in your debate about Bosnia that you can remind yourself of if you feel the urge to somehow not respect and find your way around these others that rub you the wrong way. Tis a skill that is only truely learned by swimming, not dipping.

Good Luck, I hope the best for you Venus I really do.

Open Eyes

[sabby]

((((((((((((( Venus )))))))))))))

You are so not alone in your thoughts and feelings you are having right now. Your experiences in life are stepping stones to better understanding of yourself and the world around you.

While you are impassioned by thinking about and discussing some very political situations, you found out that they are not always the most appropriate thing to discuss or maybe that going so deeply into how you feel and think about things. There is a time and place for those discussions and maybe you found out that the process of getting the job you wanted wasn't the exact right place for that discussion. No worries.....take it in and try to work around it for your benefit.

You have high expectations of yourself and what kind of work you want to do. Sometimes we find out that we need to start at a lower rung of the ladder before we can step into the higher echelon of that career. It can take time and sometimes you have to prove yourself to your employers that you have what it takes to be in that higher bracket.

I have found in my life that all that happened in the past was a learning experience. It was something I could take and use to help me prepare for the next steps. Yes there were times of feeling inadequate, stupid, and I got down on myself for feeling that way. But I also learned that I was not the only one who went through that and that we can move forward into a brighter future. I also learned that all those negative feelings and outcomes made me a better person, made me stronger and smarter.

I also learned that there is more than one way to get to a specific place. Maybe the path I was taking was the wrong path to get to where I needed to go. I had to open my eyes and my mind to other possibilities, other steps to take to achieve my goals. And at times, I found that the goal I was initially trying to achieve changed. That is all okay......life changes, and the more we can help ourselves to roll with the punches, the better off we are.

I wish you well in your journey Venus. You can make it be whatever you want to make it. You can choose how to deal with rejections, you can choose which path you decide to take, you can choose not to stay down when someone slaps you down.

Take good care!
sabby

I agree with all said above.

Are we ever truly done finding ourselves? We are constantly changing, growing, and rebirthing ourselves in a way.

[Sanada]

Hey Venus.

If you believe in your principles then you are only 'selling' your truth. Employment is a form of selling ones self to the job in hand. And being the best is not a fault.
Hanging around an 'Ivory' tower is not a crime.
You do not strike me as a quitter, so you will succeed.
What have you got to lose sending c.v's to peeps, they can only say no.
(relationships - hmm I defer).
Depression and anxiety to me can be passion for life n stuff.
Define living..lol
Fake, cool - the perfect actor, useful in life.
I guess the baggage I carry is defined my 'me'. So I make it light or heavy..

I hope this helped venus..

Reasons to live : Sun Rise. Sun Set. Planets. Stars. Colour. Music. Lit. The smell of books. Coffee. Dreams. Candy. Debate. Choc. Travel. Baths. Films. Photos. Spicy Food. Ice Cream. Trains. Video. Citys. Air ports. Internet Cafes. Rock formations. Sand. Seas. Sun.