I need a hug.

I just do. I'm not sure this post even belongs here, or anywhere. Just general stress, I guess, and icky wet cloudy weather, and no sleep, and too much to do, and too much uncertainty. I could post in Kudos because of asking for hugs, or in depression because I just feel like I'm slipping a little, or any number of other places psychotherapy, dissociative, self-esteem, personality, ....

Both of my supervisors at work have not been there in a few weeks. One suddenly quit when she was just starting to train me, but wasn't really, so I'm rather lost there. The other one told me she might take another job. She's just out on maternity leave right now, but the rumor mill says she did take the other job. I sabotaged myself for getting promoted by telling the director that I've got a year or two to finish my degree and then I'll probably want to find a job more directly in my field. I like it where I am. One one side, they treat employeed very respectfully and frequently tell me that they appreciate me, but on the other side they don't really seem to want to give me much chance to really do anything other than be a paper pusher. They are more and more, but I'm frustrated with my limits and that I'm just an hourly employee which means that I don't get educational benefits and other benefits that others do get, and it's hard not to resent that and feel worthless.

And I'm stressed out with school and trying to get everything done, and not ever having enough time to sleep.

I'm living in a fog more often than not. Dealing with hard personal stuff too. Trying to figure out who I am, and how to be independent and autonomous without abandoning my family. I figured out that's about balance. I've been too dependent, so I need to move in the direction of independence, but not to the opposite extreme and not need anyone at all.

T pulled apart my various ego states and although I'm not DID she had me talking about myself in the third person and first person plural (she and we). My parts share the same memory, but still seem to act independently, and I switch so frequently that I can't keep track of it. The biggest and most powerful part is the one that I hate. She whines all the time. She might even be the part that is writing right now. No, I guess not but she's probably the one that started. This is more like the part that is trying - trying to make sense of it all and to change. This part is literally only about three years old. She was what woke up after the incidents in 2003, that knew that something had to change. No wonder it feel like I haven't lived most of my life, huh?

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't been very available. I'm hoping to be able to do some catching up this weekend.

((((((((hugs)))))))))) Thanks for reading this. Love,
Rap

Awwwww...

(((((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))

Your work situation seems quite hard to deal with. Is there any other person in a sort of supervisorial role who could help you out? Its not fair that you feel like you're not being appreciated, and it sucks that you're not getting the same benefits as everyone else.

I hear you about school. Its all work work work and submitting assignments/essays and preparing and doing exams. Not fun, and there is a definite lack of sleep involved.

Sounds like you're going through a lot. Hang in there, it'll get better soon.

So ****************HUG*********************

And thinking of you!

(((((Christina)))))
There are people I can ask questions. But everything is up in the air right now. We don't know what is going to happen and we're just concentrating on getting through next week. I don't even know how I want it to work out. I wish I didn't say stupid things.

Rap

Who says you say stupid things? It sounds like one big, major transition that you're stuck in the middle of.

Which sucks.

All I can say (however corny) is take it one day at a time. And rant and rave and ask for support when you need it.

Thanks again. I think it was stupid to tell my director that I wasn't going to be around long enough to be worth considering for a manager job. I would have been the logical choice, otherwise. I sabotage myself routinely. Or somebody in here does.

Ok, so you think you made a mistake. We all do that, and maybe it will be ok since you have enough to focus on without being a manager right now? Your honestly might win out in the end, anyway.

I must've felt your vibes, sorry I missed the thread when you first posted.

(((((Rapunzel)))))

((((Sky)))) You must have. It's interesting - I looked at who was online and saw you here, thought about you telling me to post before, and I did post and asked for hugs, and you then sent me hugs. I was sure you must have seen my post. That smiley is perfect, BTW.

I really don't know what I want to happen from here with the job situation. I'd like to be a manager, but that also seems like a heavy load. I'd also like to be recognized a bit more, and given the chance to contribute what I could and haven't been allowed to do. That's been starting to happen. Benefits would be nice too. I just don't know. Basically, all the people who are in charge of all the things that I have been interested in doing are leaving or thinking about leaving. It's bits and pieces of about four different jobs. I wonder if there is any chance they would put all those things together and make it a contract position and let me have that. I don't know. Maybe anything's possible. I'm also worried that there won't really be a place for me at all once they find who they want to replace the ones who are leaving. I could make a difference in the next year or two, and would make it my goal to put programs in place that would be easy to continue with or without me. I just don't know.

(((((((Lexicon)))))))) I appreciate the hugs and good vibes you are sending out.

Rap

(((((((((((((((Rap))))))))))))

Hang in there hun. I had a tough week last week and couldn't imagine pulling out of it, but everything fell into place in the end. Now I'm almost wondering why I was so down. Things will work out, I'm sure.

hang on...i'm sorry you're feeling down. keep posting and we'll keep supporting you.... xoxoxo pat

{{{{{{{{Rapunzel}}}}}}}}}}

You deserve to be recognized for what you do at work. I hope they realize that.

(((((((((((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((rapunzel))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((Wendy))))))))))))))))

Hi Wendy, I am sending you april fools day hugs, how's that? I hope you can continue to work toward the balance you need.

(((((((((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am here for you.

Love and hugs,

Jan

{{{{{{{{{{Wi, Pat, Greenleaves, BP Bear, AlleyAngel, Fuzzy, WW, Jan}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks all of you so much for the hugs and support. I just really needed that. No need to feel bad for me, though. It's a struggle sometimes, but I do think that it's just something necessary to go through in order to grow. Sometimes I just wish that I knew what to do and how it will end up. And clouds still get to me, and maybe they always will. I don't always notice the clouds, but then I start noticing my mood, and there they are.

Rap

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Rap}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Holler anytime if you need to vent or scream or cry or whatever. I'm pretty good at listening, and you've certainly always been there for me.



Candy

(((((Rapunzel)))))
Transitions are tough, even when they are positive. Maybe you haven't sabotaged yourself career-wise. It sounds like your employer is in transition too. What if you write up a proposal to help them through it. Pull the bits and peices from the various positions that interest you and use your skills and present it in a way that will benefit them. You would not have to pretend you are staying longer than a couple of years and they would have a couple of years to experiment before making permanent policy decisions. just a thought.

(((((((Candy))))))))

Thanks. Sometimes I wish someone would put me in a padded sound-proof room and just let me kick and scream and throw a fit until i get it out of my system.

((((((Praxis))))))) Yeah, it could work out. I've mentioned combining what I do with one of the other jobs. They said they would think about it. And yes, the whole place is in transition. Losing three managers all at once.

Hiya Rapunzel, although new to this site, I am an olde hand at needing to be comforted, with this in mind.......

(((((((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))))

{{{{{ repunzel }}}}}}

{{{{Rapunzel}}}}

((((((((((FleeingFox, Gemstone, oksomaybeimnuts)))))))))

Thanks for the hugs. I need them again today. The evaluation team was there today, and while I was asked to take off from my other job to be available this week, I wasn't sure whether or not I was wanted in which meetings. Nobody gave me a meeting schedule. Neither did they mention me or introduce me when they went around and did introductions. One of the evaluators asked about me though. I wish I knew what my place really was. I wish I knew the answers.

I told you about having parts, didn't I? Fragmented ego states. I can't remember for sure, but I think I did. Anyway, I apologize in advance if my whiner part gets on anybody's nerves. She isn't allowed to write to T anymore, and she gets me in trouble IRL, so this is like her only outlet now.

Rap

{{{{{{{{{Rapunzel}}}}}}

When i worked, i used to get treated like that alot. After awhile, i made it a point of walking up and sticking out my hand and introducing myself. Like you, i preferred to mostly be invisible, but that didn't mean i wanted to be ignored either. I understand what you're saying. Hang in there