Punching myself in the face

Rehab'll help. Get it done ILTT. Best suggestion so far was your own.

What does ILTT stand for? My name?

Illegal Toilet... thank you for posting this question. I'm resonating with you on this strongly, because this is something I have done to myself a lot in the last year and off-and-on before that. I have some insights, which are based mostly on my own experiences, and I'm going to put them down here... please, as with Mindinpieces, bear in mind that this is a personal experience thing and I hope somewhere if this resonates or does not it helps you find some clarity.

So, in the first place, a loooooong time ago when I crossed the line from hurting myself with physical blows to using a blade, I read somewhere in the days that followed that self-harm is addictive. In my experience it has really helped me to see this as an addiction or to at least find similarities between other kinds of addictions and this one... For example, people normally turn to addictive substances or behaviours when they are stressed. I will eat sweet things when I'm stressed. Part of this is the familiarity, and part of it is in fact habit. It's a learned behaviour - in the temporary relief that it brings us from, as Mindinpieces says, more detrimental harmful thoughts about not being worthy of existence or whatever it is, we've learned that this is a safe recourse. Or that it is the only way to handle it. It's the instinct, but it is also learned.

Secondly, when I look at my self-harm as an addiction, it also brings up the question as to why self-harm. For me, it's my way of punishing myself. It's the way I choose to respod to the idea that I've messed up.

So for my situation, the question that comes up is: Where in my life have I learned that hitting myself is the ideal way to deal with a situation where I have done "wrong"? Who has punished me similarly?

So in moments of less stress, it helps to ask oneself... why hitting as opposed to something else? What does being hit mean to you? And where in your life have you learned this?

In my experience, punching something ELSE has never helped me. But if the punching bag thing works for you, that's great. What does help me is working through this stuff and having someone to call when it seems like it's too much to bear. So my roommate has my therapist's number. I'm also calmed by the act of tearing paper into tiny pieces, though this freaks people out a little. But if you can alert ANYONE as to that you aren't in control and need help, that is, I think, really important.

Sorry I sound scattered. I really hope you find some clarity.

There IS a way out. There are MANY ways out. And you are not alone.

Love.