[startingover12]

I'm not sure where to ask this on the forum so I hope I'm in the right place and someone can help me out. Here is my question:

My wife (we are separated) has a daughter by a previous marriage in her 30's who either calls or texts her Mother throughout the day without exagerrating every 5 mins. This has always been her behaviour. The daughter as a child used to place photos of herself on her Mothers dashboard when she was young so her Mom could see her all day. Christmas presents from the daughter are usually a large photo of herself to her Mom. Some days the phone rings almost non-stop. The Mother feels this is normal between Mothers and Daughters. I've known many Mom's and Daughter's in my life but I've never seen this type of obsession before. First of all, is this normal behaviour? If this is some kind of condition, what is it called? Thanks.

[seeker1950]

No, this is not normal, but I also have relatives and friends who are ultra-involved with their daughters. It dismays me, as I also have a daughter in her early 30's, and she doesn't do this at all. Dismays, because these friends/relatives seem to thrive on this kind of behavior. My humble opinion is that we are supposed to let our adult children go live their own lives.
As for your situation, Startingover12...I don't know what you can or should do, but the wife needs to start separating herself from the daughter a bit...a lot! If she is not inclined to do this, then you will have to decide if this is okay...or not. What to do beyond that, I don't have any constructive advice, since such behavior is usually deeply ingrained.

[startingover12]

Thanks for your feedback seeker1950. I feel the same way about letting your children live their own lives. And for these Mom's who for whatever reason don't push their baby birds out of the nest they really do them a disservice. The Daughter's biological Father has Bi Polar issues and the Mom thinks the Daughter does too. I'm not too knowledgable on the symptoms and I'm not a trained mental health professional so I couldn't say. Perhaps that's the reason for the obsession with the contact. I don't know. I just don't feel it's a healthy situation for either one of them and it has been a source of conflict for us for many years. I'm curious though if there is a name for this. I'm sure there must be some type of syndrome name. So if anyone can help me out with that I'd appreciate it.

Every 5 minutes seems excessive but a couple or so times a day would not really be all that unusual. If neither one of them is bothered by this particularly though, while it may annoy the heck out of you, it probably isn't that big a deal. The problem would be if your wife was really not wanting to have that much contact or the daughter was doing it out of some distorted sense of obligation or fear.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by startingover12

I'm not sure where to ask this on the forum so I hope I'm in the right place and someone can help me out. Here is my question:

My wife (we are separated) has a daughter by a previous marriage in her 30's who either calls or texts her Mother throughout the day without exagerrating every 5 mins. This has always been her behaviour. The daughter as a child used to place photos of herself on her Mothers dashboard when she was young so her Mom could see her all day. Christmas presents from the daughter are usually a large photo of herself to her Mom. Some days the phone rings almost non-stop. The Mother feels this is normal between Mothers and Daughters. I've known many Mom's and Daughter's in my life but I've never seen this type of obsession before. First of all, is this normal behaviour? If this is some kind of condition, what is it called? Thanks.

around here where I live and work yes for some mothers and daughter they do have this close bonding.. example a woman down the street has this kind of mother daughter relationship for them their closeness comes from the fact that the mother had a hard time conceiving, it was a miracle to say the least that this daughter was born, full term and with no complications despite the mother having cancer and put off treatment until the child was born. both mother and daughter know it is truly something special that they still have each other. they show each other their love for each other in the same ways in which you posted and more.. a day doesn't go by without seeing the UPS truck bringing flowers and other gifts to the mother, or picking up an order to which the destination is the daughter. they prominently display their pictures together and are constantly making time to have new portraits separately and together..

I know of other mother daughter relationships that are like what you posted and they are completely normal. I also know of father- daughter, father-son, and mother-son, step parent-step child relationships where parent and child have forged this fantastic, close parent child bonds.

we have parents- child groups here that actually teach parents and children to do the kinds of things you have posted - leave pictures for each other, spend time together ...forge closer parent child bonds then they already have... many people have the kind of parent child relationships where they dont get along, hate each other, fight, dont speak and work done have any parent child relationships at all. our parent/child groups do things like go to sears/ macys/....for family and individual portraits to give each other, parent child dinners and other family oriented activities to promote close family relationships.... we even have foster programs big brother big sister programs, grandparents day dinners.... here where I live and work we are family oriented and promote family member having close non abusive relationships...

my suggestion - and Im going to be blunt here - you have a choice -

you can accept the fact that this mother and this daughter are a part of each others lives and are going to continue to show their love for each other in what ever ways they can even if its to post a picture of their self where the other will see them during times when they cant be together, do things together.

or you dont accept it and dont be a part of their lives any more.

no one is forcing you to take part in their relationship or any relationship with either of them, you did say you are separated, the daughter is an adult capable of making her own decisions, the mother is an adult capable of making her own decisions neither mother nor daughter feel their relationship is not normal, so frankly this issue is between the mother and daughter, not you. you cant control others but you can control you.. if you dont like their relationship then dont be a part of their life.

[Perna]

If both people are grown and interact that way, think it is normal and good, then not much someone else can say or do. I can see why your wife would be your ex :-) but it does not sound like she gets it or cares to. Sounds a bit too enmeshed/co-dependent to me. I feel badly the daughter does not seem to have been taught how to engage in her own life and value herself, not need her mother's approval for everything.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I was similar to what you mentioned with my mom when i left home. I wouldnt call every 5 minutes but i talked to my mom every day for about an hour, wrote her nice letters showing my appreciation and sent her pictures. Eventually after a few years it wore off. Now im that way with my daughter lo. But shes 4. Shes spending the summer with her dad and calls me 1-2 times every day and we talk for 30 minutes. Shes got a stack of pictures shes saving for me that shes colored and she picks flowers for me constantly.
There are many reasons for a child and parent to be close like that and often times parents wish their child was that close. Its not like the child refused to move out so she could be with her mom or anything.
Perhaps she realizes how short life is so she wants to spend more time with her mom, perhaps she feels bad for what she did as a teenager, perhaps the mom is now her best friend... its ok and normal, its not hurting anyone and its her child so i wouldnt recommend getting in the middle of it