[Wown]

I went to a new DR. (small back ground was on 2-100mg Zoloft a day and 60 1mg Xanax per month to calm me down for the past couple of years) between that and the occasional puff or two of pot i was un-dangerous both physically and verbally to my wife and children, co-workers and almost more importantly myself... so got laid off and moved to a new state (DE) to start over and try and pick myself back up finally after 1 yr I'm working (no insurance) but I'm getting a check. So I get a dr appointment on a sliding scale. She gets all my records from 2006-2011, my records from the shock trauma hospital i was flown to in 1998 from a car accident that i spent a 3 month coma at, the records from my rehab hospital and the records from John Hopkins in 1999 when i got the plate on the left side of my head from the car accident.

So i see this dr. and explain to here I'm borderline suicidal, i'm emotion so extreme i can start crying one minute and an hour later i'm so enraged I could go through a brick wall, then calm down shortly after and then I'll go into 12 hour depression. where I can't even talk to anyone and usually that better for everyone else...

So this dr then say she wants me to not be medicated and go see a neuro psycholigist (I know I spelled wrong) but this dr is an 1 1/2 drive and cant see me for a few weeks so I'm like ok are you going to at least get me back on my old prescription until then and she's like well we don't really prescribe xanax for anyone at all in the state of DE and I'm like are you kidding me. so she gives me this low dose 7.6 mg of buspirone and I've been taking 2 a day for the past 4 days and i still blow up on almost anything but at the same time I've had this crazy sad look on my face and OMG if one more person asks me if i'm ok i'm going to flip out... I feel tired but not like the tired xanax can do shortly after taking almost like a fatigue but I don't sleep and sure as hell don't feel any better at all this damn bottle costed me $108.00 now what take this and continue being completely miserable

It's crazy I have completely no control but complete self control in certain things like an example I know because of my kids and other responsibilities i feel I'm in charge of I know I could never put a gun to my head and pull the trigger so it's hard to use the word suicide in anything i say trying to describe myself but I wish someone could understand the difference when i try to explain how ALLLL DAY ALL Week things happen and i just imagine the absolute worse like a bus drives by and i wish i had an ipod in my ears and didn't hear the bus as i imagine in my mind me walking in front of it, or edges are really bad for me whether it be a building, cliff outside, bridges you get the idea, or an argument between a couple I'm just waiting to get out of hand so i can step in and start a fight with someone bigger, 1 being the hero stepping in, 2 the guy not knowing i have a 2x3inch plate in the side of my head with me knowing a good hit or two and it's lights out... it drives me crazy everyday I like wanna do something crazy just to get locked away so I don't have to feel this anymore like at this dr Appt. I'M like MEDICATE me please to this Dr in my head but say nothing not trying to sound like some drug addict that just want drugs with tears inside fighting to come out to try and get her to understand my pain but nothing... I'm completely unstable and feel like it's getting worse by the day... WTH do i do to get someone to get me on the right treatment, I feel like if one more dr says well let me refer you to a different dr who can just talk to you out of this... I wish i could just FLIP out on the dr but this is where that self control comes in and I'm like ok i'll try that... with no insurance OMG this stuff is expensive.

I swear to god i still feel like me living through this car accident in 98 is my punishment living now and I just want to fall asleep, and stay that way. When you have ran out of your last drop of hope whats left?

Derek

[lonegael]

Hi Derek, have you tried copying out this and taking it with you to your Dr.? This is really intense, what you're going through, and I know how hard it can be to talk to a new Dr. about everything that's going on in your head.

Is there ANYONE you can talk to, anyone you feel safe enough with to take with you so that you don't have to feel as nervous about the impulses to do harm to yourself? At this point you need to be safe until the neuropsychologist can see you, and that should ake priority for her and you. I know you have probably heard that head injuried can cause the problems that you are having, but still, she still needs to know that you are having this amount of trouble, hon. >Try calling her, meet again and take a copy of your post with you if you don't feel you can get the words out. doesn't seem the buspirone is doing the job. Huggs and let us know what's happening.

[CastlesInTheAir]

Can't you see a doc in MD and get a 2nd opinion? You are not tied to that doc for life, get a second opinion.

[Leed]

I have to agree about getting a 2nd opinion! Perhaps you can get into someone else sooner, particularly if they KNOW that you are a HEAD INJURY patient! The fact that you did have a head injury can make a big difference as it can affect many things. My cousin had a traumatic brain injury a year ago, and everything was affected by this -- his moods, his feelings, his actions, depression, talking, memory, being able to get the proper words out, anger, etc. So they need to KNOW that you are a traumatic brain injury patient!!!

See if you can get into someone else sooner, as I can only imagine how frustrating and horrible this must be for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. Please know we're all behind you. Keep us posted, will you please? And let us know what happens! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[IowaFarmGal]

From what you say it sounds like she is well aware of the head injury and doesn't want meds messing up the exam with the neuro specialist. Too bad you have to wait so long to get in, since you need help now with all you're going through. I hope they have a cancelation or something and you can get in sooner. Did she realize how extreme the symtoms were? Sometimes they don't get a good feel for things like intensity.