[whatbeanbelieved]

So, since about September last year, I have had what my boyfriend, therapist, friends and I have, at different times called "bad fights", "panic attacks", "episodes" or "rages". I'm beginning to think "rages" is probably a better word for what happens -- although I do have different experiences of panic and of anxiety.

In the rages, I sort of keep getting anxious and agitated until something small happens in those arguments (usually this is spurred on by an argument, or the unwillingness of my boyfriend to talk to me and my inability to handle that) and I snap. I have veered towards physically harming myself (with my hands), breaking things (we had to replace the crockery) and, most absolutely recently, I ... lashed out physically at my boyfriend, which is really alarming and shameful and scary.

I did the Sanity Score test again, and I'm finding that I have symptoms in common with PTSD, particularly:

Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
Sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

Irritability or outbursts of anger
Difficulty concentrating
Exaggerated startle response

But the "trauma" in question is quite old. I'm sensing there is a link between this and my mother's passing when I was eleven. The triggering experience is the sight of my boyfriend turning away from me physically, or when he leaves -- particularly in the middle of a conversation, which of course can just be annoying.

But my question is this: am I just locating recognition in something that sounds familiar or should I be considering PTSD more seriously? Also, is it possible for someone to have repressed all of this stuff for about 7 or 8 years before it surfaces, possibly triggered by more losses of family members (I have lost four family members in the last six years, including my grandmother this April). Anyone have any thoughts about rages and whatnot?

[Leed]

Hi ~ While I'm not a doctor or physchologist, I know that it IS possible to repress things of this nature for 7 or 8 years and even LONGER. People have repressed these things for many many years, only to have them surface and cause them all kinds of problems --- so you are NOT alone.

The rages are something to be concerned about and you DO need to see a therapist as soon as possible. Is that something that you could do? Thie rages are very problematic as someone could get hurt -- and that could put you in a very bad position, so seeing someone SOON is very important!!! See if you can make an appointment as SOON as possible -- stress to the office girl that this is quite urgent, and that it concerns peoples' safety. If you don't mind, tell her that you're having rages, and you're afraid that someone could get hurt. It won't go any further than that, so don't be afraid to tell her.

You can get to your other issues when you start talking, but these rages have to be attended to immediately. Besides, the PTSD is related to the rages, I'm sure so you'll get that taken care of at the same time.

I wish you the very best. If you can't get into one very soon, call another. But get in SOON. Best of luck and PLEASE let us know what happens, will you? We do care! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[VickiesPath]

I'm no expert but it sounds like PTSD to me (I have it). I used to rage at boyfriends and then after a while in therapy, realized I was substituting them for my parents. In my particular situation, they were alcoholic and neglected the children daily. Your situation could be something you experienced with your father around the time your mother died perhaps?? Just guessing. Were you possibly molested? Please forgive my suggestion if it is rude or out of line. However, once widowed, men often victimize a daughter or other female innocent because of their absent wives. Is this perhaps anything that you might have blocked? I only recently, after 58 years, realized that my mother used to beat me. It was the key to my depression I have suffered all my life, as well as poor self esteem. Now, all the puzzle pieces fit finally for me and I have gone on with my life.

I hope this helps and that I have not offended you in any way. Only good intentions........Lots of hugs

PS: I'm a grad student in Professional Counseling but not licensed yet. So this is my disclaimer. I would do what was suggested and get into therapy ASAP.

If you can repress a memory for a day then it seems like you could repress one forever ...or until something triggers it or brings it to the surface.
Hope you work this out.
Unsolicited advice:
I'm curious if you've posted about your relationship in that forum. From some of your other posts it seems like it may be something to think about

[Open Eyes]

(((Whatbeanbelieved))),

Ofcourse no one here can diagnose you (we are just not professionals here), but from what you are discribing of your struggle with anger, yes, it could be PTSD. I had problems with rage too and it is due to PTSD. I have, through therapy, gotten to the core issues that are behind the anger and rage that pops up in me. I can relate to getting upset when I am talking and my husband or someone else walks away in disrespect. I have good reasons to be angry, so it isn't that I get angry for no reason but I can have a hard time controlling it which is what happens when someone has PTSD.

So, you should, as others here suggest, find a therapist that specializes in PTSD if you can. I do recommend finding one that really understands PTSD or you CAN end up with a list of other disorders instead which can lead to a list of medications that may not be necessary. Often time spent with a therapist can help you understand "you" better so you can learn to control these outbursts.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

It could be PTSD....I have it as well and what you describe certainly does sound a lot like it. I also get these 'rages', 'episodes', 'panic attacks' whatever you call it, and it usually is disturbing to me because I am not really a very aggressive person at all so when I get triggered and start getting that way......either I get very aggressive and angry and feel I could probably break things or injure someone if I deemed them a threat. Or I get more afraid of everything and have a strong urge to run or hide or somehow get away.

So yeah I can kinda relate to all that, but I don't really have much advice other than trying to get professional help(I've tried but haven't really gotten anywhere with that..not bad advice either way). Also I try to keep from putting myself under too much stress since more stress makes it worse....but sometimes I don't have much choice since other people or unexpected situations can cause stress.

[lonegael]

HUGGGGGGSSSSS! what you are going through is not fun. If it is PTSD, then it would be natural for it to wax and wane according to the stresses and triggers that you are experienceing in life. Take care.

[whatbeanbelieved]

Hi guys. Thank you all so much for writing and taking the time out to write thoughtful comments. I have been reading them and thinking - and it helps to have a sense of that it's not ...just me, you know?

Leed, I am seeing a therapist. She's not specialised in PTSD, like Open Eyes suggested, but she's pretty good; in fact am going to see her today, so let's see what she says. The rages were pretty bad back in November, and I started seeing someone then. It's unfortunate that that particular therapist wasn't great and didn't inspire much trust, but I'm glad I've found my T now.

Vickie, thank you for your comments. I am intrigued by the question about molestation (and not at all offended, worry not!). It's weird because I have a SENSE that something did happen (thought I'm sure it wasn't with my father, who is a lovely and very kind man) but I have no memories of any such abuse. Maybe it could be a different kind of abuse, no less traumatic, but not sexual? In your understanding as a student of professional counselling, is that a possibility?

George: I have! And in fact you have said the same before... I want to clarify; are you saying that I may be needing to think about the relationship in general and whether it's healthy for me? (Because some friends are saying this too... very disconcertingly). It also seems clear that us taking space is important- which is what we're doing. Which in itself is a little disturbing, because I'm afraid it will not lead to any resolution.

Open Eyes: Thank you for writing that... It helps me to know that others have experienced this too: having a valid reason for anger, but the anger in itself being disproportionate. I am going to see my therapist today; let's see what she says.

Hellion and Lonegael: From what you guys are saying, managing the sources of the stress is as important as managing the stress itself? I can understand that. It is worse on days where I am stressed out and everything is a mess. That normally leads to an "episode" or whatever.

Really, really... thank you. ((((((((Everyone))))))) This is very helpful and my need for support and meaning is really being met.

Love and hugs.

[whatbeanbelieved]

Hi guys. Thank you all so much for writing and taking the time out to write thoughtful comments. I have been reading them and thinking - and it helps to have a sense of that it's not ...just me, you know?

Leed, I am seeing a therapist. She's not specialised in PTSD, like Open Eyes suggested, but she's pretty good; in fact am going to see her today, so let's see what she says. The rages were pretty bad back in November, and I started seeing someone then. It's unfortunate that that particular therapist wasn't great and didn't inspire much trust, but I'm glad I've found my T now.

Vickie, thank you for your comments. I am intrigued by the question about molestation (and not at all offended, worry not!). It's weird because I have a SENSE that something did happen (thought I'm sure it wasn't with my father, who is a lovely and very kind man) but I have no memories of any such abuse. Maybe it could be a different kind of abuse, no less traumatic, but not sexual? In your understanding as a student of professional counselling, is that a possibility?

George: I have! And in fact you have said the same before... I want to clarify; are you saying that I may be needing to think about the relationship in general and whether it's healthy for me? (Because some friends are saying this too... very disconcertingly). It also seems clear that us taking space is important- which is what we're doing. Which in itself is a little disturbing, because I'm afraid it will not lead to any resolution.

Open Eyes: Thank you for writing that... It helps me to know that others have experienced this too: having a valid reason for anger, but the anger in itself being disproportionate. I am going to see my therapist today; let's see what she says.

Hellion and Lonegael: From what you guys are saying, managing the sources of the stress is as important as managing the stress itself? I can understand that. It is worse on days where I am stressed out and everything is a mess. That normally leads to an "episode" or whatever.

Really, really... thank you. ((((((((Everyone))))))) This is very helpful and my need for support and meaning is really being met.

Love and hugs.

Hi ((((Bean)))) hugs to you

[lonegael]

Good lucK (((Bean))))!!