[kazine]

I've seen 3 different psychs and they haven't listened to a word I've said. I never even get to the end of my explanation because they always butt in and tell me there's nothing wrong with me when there clearly is so I have written this to give to my next psych!

I just want to say first of all that my previous psychiatrists have all lied to me, told me that my elated moods are “normal” when I know they aren’t, told me that Quetiapine (which I am on as a mood stabilizer) doesn’t help with suicidality (of course it does, it’s a mood stabilizer) and have basically downplayed everything I’ve told them, refused to diagnose me or help me. The fact that I have had nothing but the NHS failing to help me when I needed it most has even managed to convince me at times that there is a conspiracy against me or mental health patients in general, because they cost too much, and thought that this is why I’m not getting the help I need.

My issues are as follows:

Elated Moods:
- 3 months of feeling "elated".
- In this time having casual sex with at least 3 people.
- Not being able to sit still in this time and feeling like I have to be moving.
- Have reckless sex/dangerous sex to the point of tearing my vaginal wall and bleeding a lot and refusing to go to hospital, claiming that I would be fine, and not allowing their partner (one of the casual sex partners) to call an ambulance until I collapsed, nearly passed out and threw up, despite losing a LOT of blood.
- On the way to the hospital even though I was bleeding a lot (had to have 2 blood units in transfusion) I was just laughing and carrying on with the ambulance staff, not realising the seriousness of the situation.
- Have a huge self-esteem that was extremely unrealistic.
- Friends and classmates constantly asking if I'm drunk or high because my mood is so unnaturally elated.
- Sleeping a lot less than usual (3 hours a night at times).
- A lot more motivation to exercise and do school work, and trying to find a job.
- I drank a lot more, and smoked cigarettes and weed when I would usually be against smoking.
- Ideas and thoughts were going through my mind so fast that I couldn't physically talk fast enough to keep up with them.
- A lot more sociable, not scared to talk to random people in the street or on public transport when I wouldn’t usually do this.
- Feeling like I have endless energy.
- These elated moods are getting more intense every year.

Depressed Moods:
- Have been diagnosed as depressed by my GP and have suffered depression annually for the past 4 or 5 years.
- Moods seem to last 4-5 months at a time.
- Completely miserable all day every day.
- Suicidal thoughts and ideation every day.
- Wishing I was dead and that everyone would be better off if I was dead.
- Self harming.
- No motivation whatsoever (failed to attend college quite often)
- No longer interested in anything that I used to do.
- Cut myself off from people because all I do is complain to them about how miserable I am.
- Sleeping more
- Other people noticing that I am clearly depressed as I shut myself off and don’t talk to people.
- Lack of energy.
- I had depression like this for months during my A-Levels and I nearly dropped out of college.
- The only reason I am coping at the minute is because I’m on 600mg of Quetiapine which helped the day I started taking it, which was in August 2011. (I know this is not a placebo as I have been on Citalopram, Sertraline and Fluoxetine and they had no positive effect, only negative effects)
- Hating myself and my self-esteem being rock bottom.
- These depressive moods are getting more intense every year.

Other Personalities:
- Since June 2011 I have had evidence of alternative personalities.
- I started off with just two but I have discovered a lot more, at least 25.
- They act quite different to me, they have different voices, different interests.
- Some of these are even children and act and talk like children.
- I have lost time, and in this time the other personalities have done things that I wouldn’t do (ie. Be abusive to people close to me, physically and emotionally).
- Some of them are very damaged. I have one who is addicted to abuse and begs my partners to be physically violent towards her. Some are scared of sex and some are obsessed with it.
- They have their own dreams.
- Because of this I often feel very disconnected from reality.
- Some have feelings for people that I don’t have feelings for.
- One of the personalities, who is male, feels gender dysphoria in a female body and before I knew about these personalities, the confusion I felt led me to seek sex reassignment surgery.
- The personalities can be quite scared when they come out.
- Basically they are completely different people; sometimes I lose time sometimes I don’t.

I am not exaggerating about any of this. I need help for these things and in the past I haven’t written everything down like this which has led to psychiatrists telling me that there is nothing wrong before I have even finished explaining. Please read all of this before making a judgement and deciding that I don’t need help.

I know that 600mg is a high dose of Quetiapine for a person who doesn’t have a diagnosis of Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder, but the 450mg that I have been prescribed isn’t enough so I am taking an extra 150mg which has had me stable since February. While I am on this drug I do not experience the depressions and I do not experience the elated moods. If it is not possible to put my dose up to 600mg officially I am happy to try other types of mood stabilizers. I do not want to take any more SSRIs as I have only had bad experiences with them, including loss of appetite to the point where I was incredibly weak and had to stop taking them in order to be able to eat, and also they have triggered the elated moods too.

Thanks.

Kaz x

Seroquel is an antipsychotic, not a mood stabilizer, but getting the thought disorder issues under control using seroquel can have mood stabilizing properties. Seroquel has not been shown scientifically to reduce suicidality. Only lithium has. So when they tell you seroquel will not reduce suicidality, they are talking about the scientific evidence, not personal anecdotal evidence.

Otherwise, seems like you just need to keep working to find a pdoc that will work with you. The letter does a good job of listing out your symptoms and experiences for them, so hopefully you will find someone who will work with you soon. Good luck to you.

[lonegael]

You do a good job of outlining your problems. all too often, p-docs aren't really as up on the varients of some of the psychiatric disorders as they should be. It doesn't have to be a conspriacy, it's more an issue of not keeping up with speciallist research on individual areas. I was reevaluated recently by a neuripsychologist who told me that there are actually well over ten different discrete types of bipolar categories (groupings of symptomes) that include the presence or absence of some problems that some practicing psychiatrists believe rules out the presence of a bilpolar disorder, for example. Being able to sleep (even if not really feeling the need to) is one of them, and is something I could always do, and has always had my diagnosis questioned by psychiatrists.

I agree with Farmer girl. Keep looking, and remember, they can be a bit behind on their info, because not all the research is released to the general public and gets buried in various journals. But yeah, I all too often get the feeling they don't take us BiPos very seriously when we try to work with them.

[righteous]

Hey is this working? Um hey do you see the light? Little girl, spend your energy on things u want to do! Imcluding feeling good. Use the worlds energy to help. Evil energy is looking at something then feeling the energy then to attitude then to ur self. Good energy is looking at something feeling good then feeling the energy. Just dont fall into traps gotto love. Take care - Joe

[kazine]

Errrrr, what? I would feel good if I could but it isn't that easy.

Kaz x

[lonegael]

No, it's not, is it? Hang in there, hon.