[kaika]

I don't know what to do right now.

I've been coping relatively well these past few months. About as well as I could, given I'm not in treatment when I probably should be. A few weeks ago I promised myself to go get treatment, but that was postponed because talking to people about needing treatment gives me anxiety attacks.

Today on my way to class, I was having a bad day. I had a hard time with the writing assingment, and it was killing me that my work would not be very good, and would not reflect my usual writing capabilities. This bout of perfectionism was particularly bad. I didn't want to even go to class, I didn't want to go to school at all. But I did anyways, because college is different than high school. You can't just take a mental health day like that.

I felt trapped, I thought of ways to get out. I could have just walked off campus, get lost in place nobody would find me for a few hours, maybe a few days, maybe not at all until it's too late. This isn't an unusual occurence for me. I often have ideations of self harm and even suicide, but I never act on them.

But today, on my way to class, walking up the stairs I thought "I'd rather throe myself downstairs then go to class" and it was my usual impulsive thoughts. But then it occured to me that there is nothing actually stopping me. If I really wanted to, I could. And for a split second, I genuinely contemplated it as I looked down the stairs. I mulled it over, and after shaking myself up I went to class, clinging to that hand rail with a death grip as I walked. As if I could just spontaniously let go and decide to launch myself off balance.

And after the ordeal I realized that I was sick Really sick. Sicker than I was letting myself admit. But I don't know what to do, for some reason asking for help now is a million times more terrifying than when I was a kid. I almost want to put it off, because this semester is almost over, and wait until the next one. Because I don't want to make things awkward and I don't want to inconvenience anyone. But at the same time, this is my health too.

School is always a drag, moments of brilliance, and then he smack head first into a brick wall on the turn of a dime. The worst thing in school was doing work you try your hardest and still being stuck. It never seems to be easier no matter how much you study the material.

[Sugar Apple]

It is your health; it's your life, and you're hanging on to it!
It sounds immensely crass to say that life is full of ups and downs, but it is (... both crass and full of U's & D's!), I don't think it makes any difference how old you are or, with emotional & psych issues, what social background one's from.
Impulsive thoughts of negative harmful actions: yep, these can be a frightening drag, a wake-up call, annoying, boring, a plaything - even a comfort.
I think you should indeed see a therapist, why the hell not! Does your college have a student counselling section? Make use of it!
This is about your health. This is your life. Take every possible step to make it not just bearable but good. Sometimes we need help to do this. We're lucky that there're professionals out there these days who can provide just that, and without all the nonsense stigma that used to be attached to psych ology/otherapy.
Best of ..... everything to you!
(& if your work sucks at the moment, so what? It won't always. Things'll change, and so will you).
x

[ECHOES]

it was killing me that my work would not be very good, and would not reflect my usual writing capabilities.

This is so important and I just want to say that I like that you have high expectations for yourself, and I hope you can make them realistic too. So that you can have a day where you aren't satisfied with your writing, but you can accept it and say, to yourself or aloud, that this assignment is one I feel 'off' about because I think I can do better.

It makes me think about how we learn not only from praise but from constructive criticism. This might be a learning experience about what you want and how to get that.

We may not all get to take a mental health day, but we do get to give ourselves kindness when we are having an 'off' day.