[lastlonelychild]

When you start out in life as a bona fide "abortion that lived" (my mom drank turpentine to try and abort me), and things just went downhill from there, and your life has truly sucked for the greater part of 56 years, is it Depression or "reality"?

And is that maybe why none of the myriad of antidepressants I've ever taken (and whatever scraps of therapy I could afford) over the course of my lifetime have done nothing more than numb my feelings -- at least for a while, until they stopped doing anything at all, other than give me blurry vision, dry mouth and other side effects?

life's hard, and everyone (mentally ill or not) has their share of bad experiences

from what you've described- it sounds like life has just sucked for you

ask yourself... have you ever felt a sense of hoplessness?. no motivational?. possible suicide feelings?

then that's depression...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lastlonelychild

When you start out in life as a bona fide "abortion that lived" (my mom drank turpentine to try and abort me), and things just went downhill from there, and your life has truly sucked for the greater part of 56 years, is it Depression or "reality"?

And is that maybe why none of the myriad of antidepressants I've ever taken (and whatever scraps of therapy I could afford) over the course of my lifetime have done nothing more than numb my feelings -- at least for a while, until they stopped doing anything at all, other than give me blurry vision, dry mouth and other side effects?

for some people yes this kind of thing can cause all kinds of depressions for others it doesnt. to find out whether this is what caused your problems you will need to contact your treatment providers ie a medical doctor, therapist or psychiatrist. they will help you discover why your life has affected you the way it has and whether it caused any mental or medical problems.

[Lauru]

Could you try to see this from a different perspective? Don't get me wrong, that is horrible and I don't know what I would do in your case. I just want to send you another view, one where YOU MATTER. I see it as you MUST be a wonderful, powerful person who is meant to be here and who God wants to be here. You survived. Live your life as a slap in the face to your mother. She was f'ed up. You are not. You are amazing and wonderful. Sending you safe hugs

[lastlonelychild]

In answer to shattered sanity: Of course, I'm filled with a sense of hopelessness and lack of motivation, but is that Depression or is that a natural response to repeated trauma? Wouldn't anyone, no matter how mentally fit they started out, become hopeless and unmotivated after trying and trying and trying with all their heart only to get little or no positive results? No, I'm not a drunk or a drug addict, but far away from where I'd like to be.

To Lauru: Thank you for the encouragement and the beautiful words. I wish I could take it into my heart that that's why I'm here. I've sincerely tried. But it seems like every time I've made anything remotely resembling "progress," I get knocked flat down. And now at 56, it's too hard to get back up. Maybe God doesn't want me to be here anymore, and I need to accept that now?

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by lastlonelychild

To Lauru: Thank you for the encouragement and the beautiful words. I wish I could take it into my heart that that's why I'm here. I've sincerely tried. But it seems like every time I've made anything remotely resembling "progress," I get knocked flat down. And now at 56, it's too hard to get back up. Maybe God doesn't want me to be here anymore, and I need to accept that now?

Goodness no. God wants you here. That is your low self esteem and depression talking. As for getting knocked back down after progress, I think that is the challenge of life for everybody. Simply put, it is the nature of the "beast"/life. You can make it through. And at 56 you are definitely NOT too old. We are not too old, until the day we die. As long as we are breathing there is always hope and progress, as well as backsliding. Try giving yourself some slack. You are worth it.

[InfiniteSadness]

is it a chemical imbalance or poor nutrition?

[IceCreamKid]

I hope what I am going to tell you helps. If it does not my humble apologies and please just ignore me.

You didn't need to know your start in life and what a shame someone told you that. But having said that, let me stress to you that you don't need to internalize someone else's ill will, poor decision, or mistreatment. Nor do you need to continue worshiping at the shrine of your unhappy childhood.

Let me explain that. I know someone who is so bound up in what her family has done to her that it is likely she will never escape it. Not because she couldn't but because she will not. There is a difference. She has allowed her family to tell her she is an incompetent child unable to take care of herself. It might be possible to believe that were it not also for the fact that they have basically enslaved her to take care of all of them. She can't face the idea of all the work it would take to craft a happy adult life for herself. She cannot see that if she no longer had the burden of being slave to her abusive family, building a happy life wouldn't be a burden but a joy.

You are entitled to be happy. You are entitled to work on making things better so that you can experience happiness. That is what I did. I was programmed for failure and was a failure for many years. I finally started to piecemeal do what I could to help myself enjoy my life more.

I see an awful lot of anti-medicine threads on here. I'm not going to endorse that. I think medication can be a good adjunct to a lot of other things to help us live happier, healthier lives. What I take is no magic bullet. It alleviates some of my depression with minimal, manageable side affects. Dry mouth and blurred vision can be from other causes. If it has been several years since you got a physical or tried medication, you might want to get a check up for your general health and ask what is new in anti-depressants.

Please live your life now going forward and let the past rest. I believe you will be far better off if you try that. Courage!

[ECHOES]

Can't it be both?

Isn't depression a reaction or response?

I think depression is also a highlighter. It highlights things in our lives that need attention and so then it can become a motivator to encourage us to attend to those things, to explore and evaluate them, to see we might do differently, to make some changes.

[lizardlady]

Lastlonelychild, I'm with Echoes. No reason it can't be both. Depression can be caused by circumstnances in our lives.