[eskielover]

I have been away for awhile....trying to accomplish everything that has to be done. It has been so overwhelming that tonight, I just took a little while off to visit here & try to get in touch with some of what is going on with you all.

My mothers home is close to being packed up. I have gotten in touch with a real estate person around the Lexington Kentucky area & he has sent me some information on the farms that are available in the area & the price range I will be looking at.

With that information, I got in touch with a real estate person that was wanting to purchase my mothers home "as is". The offer was good enough so that I will be able to pay cash for a farm in Kentucky. All I have to do now is to finish off the accounting for the trust & turn it in into the lawyer & have him transfer the title of my mothers home into my name. Then I can formally accept the offer. From there, I can take a trip to Kentucky & actually check out the area. I have emailed several people that are in the dressage groups in the areas that I am looking at to get some better idea of the area & what dressage training is available.

I have also been spending days packing up the home we are living in & my husband agreed that he needed to quit his job in order to be able to spend time packing up the house also. When he was working all he could do was work & sleep & couldn't do anything to help with the packing. Unfortunately, the money is running out to keep the house payments going & it was a matter that he wasn't earning enough money to help pay the house, so we only have a short time to get out. His time is more valuable packing up the house so we don't loose it rather than working. Then we have someone that is also interested in purchasing that home "as is" also. We are just now discussing the amount we need to get for it. It would be so wonderful to not have to go through the listing process & having people coming through the house. Besides, we have so much work to do on the house before it would be ready to list anyway like new carpeting, patching walls & painting. It would be a miracle if we could sell both homes "as is". It would sure help with our stress level & would let us out of the situation we are in a lot easier than I could have ever expected.

I have been having a hard time with my anxiety attacks. I get involved getting things finished & then I don't go to sleep. I end up going several days with little to no sleep. That seems to leave me open to horrible anxiety attacks when just a little trigger hits. A little trigger like going out to dinner on fathers day to a restaurant close to my mothers home. It is around all the people that were my mothers friends & close to where her boyfriend & the RN live. I sat in the restaurant continually looking around, afraid that any of them would show up at the restaurant. I know that it was a stupid fear, but I just couldn't get my mind to realize it & just relax. That anxiety attack really has effected me for days now. I am going to just have to take the seroquel to knock me out so I can sleep......but then I feel guilty because I have so much to do. I decided that I needed to get something from the store late at night a few days ago. I drove myself to the store & realized that the anxiety attack I was experiencing was because I was afraid that I was being followed & was afraid of being alone in the car even though I had my guardian angel dog with me. That anxiety hit & the feeling has stuck with me for days. I realize that I am afraid to leave my home especially when I am alone. Geeze, when am I going to be normal again.

I have to admit that it is really getting exciting to think that I am only a few months away from moving into the farm that has been a dream all my life. Moving that far away from everything that has been my life for so long will be very good for me....getting away from everything that is causing me anxiety should be the best thing that can ever happen to me. Ending up on a farm where I can just sit back & relax everyday & be able to focus on my horses that will be just out my back door is an awsome thought. I have never moved more than 40 miles from where I was born & lived all my life. It is overwhelming at times to think about everything that will be involved in the move & I know that the move is going to be very difficult. Moving 3 horses from California to Kentucky is going to be rough. I am going to have to locate ranches along the way that are about 400 miles apart so that my horses aren't stressed too much everyday. Then there is the issues of finding new Dr's. I don't think it will be possible to find a pain specialist that is willing to treat me with the same level of the med I am on with the Dr I have now. Then finding a new pdoc that is as wonderful as the one I have now will also be really tough. The one I have now has never tried to push anything on me. He always works with me & lets me determine what works & doesn't work now that he knows what horrible reactions I can have to meds. Finding another psychologist might be a good thing....or maybe I can find someone who will take medicare for total payment for EMDR or maybe hypnotherapy to help me get through everything. Both my pdoc & psychologist think that this move will help make everything better & that leaving the area will help it all go away. Could I be so lucky to have it just go away???

I am exhausted & when that happens, my weight ends up just dropping. Even eating doesn't keep the weight on & I have a hard time eating when everything tastes horrible. Stress has a strange effect on me. I know when it is all over I will be able to sit back on my porch, looking over my farm, watching my dogs & horses & enjoying the view that no longer is dirt, tumble weeds & sage brush & just relax. Something I don't think I have ever been able to do. (I hope I know how to relax). I have actually been getting along with my husband much better that we had been. It seems like he has made some changes that even he didn't realize was happening. I don't want to mention it for fear that I will jinx what ever is now working. We actually seem to be working well together now & he is finally taking on responsibilities without me having to hold his hand to get him to do things. That helps alot with my stress level also.

Well so much for my life right now. There is so much more that I have to do & so little time to do it. While reading your posts, I realized how much I have missed that is going on in all your lives. I hope to be able to poke my nose in here once in a while when I need a break from pushing myself here. There is just too much going on to be able to spend much time on the internet.

Take care all,
Debbie

[SeptemberMorn]

Sure does sound like things are beginning to fall in place for you! I'm really happy about that! But you need to take one day at a time, Debbie, so that you don't stress out so much! Set your goals for the following day and stay with it. Don't think down the line!

When you feel a panic attack coming on, recognize it for what it is and nothing more, then let it go. Take some deep breaths, say "I can do this!" and go for it.

Keep us posted, ok?

[wisewoman]

Your mind must be running a mile a minute with all of this. Take care of yourself and try to tell your brain to rest at night.

[(JD)]

WOW eskielover, I'm tired just reading what all you've been handling! Thanks for the update... tc and get back here as soon as you can!

[ozzie]

Sounds like you have really been busy. I'm glad you took some time off and visited us.

[January]

(((((((((( Deb )))))))))))

Take good care of you.

Hugs,

Jan

[eskielover]

Popped back in for a few moments. Not much has changed....still overloaded. When I look at the home I live in, it looks like a trash dump with 4 walls. I think if one wall fell down, the junk would be thrown all over Lancaster.....enough junk for every home around us.

I didn't mention either that my Female eskie had another litter of puppies that are now just about 6 weeks old. It was an oops.....we never breed her more than once every 2 years. It was a complete surprise when she started digging at the carpet & then came the cry of a new puppy. She had 3 this time. A female I call "Lilly", & 2 males. One I call "bulldozer" (dozer for short). When he first started walking, he would nose around pieces of mommy's kibble all around the bathroom floor.....way to cute. The other male is so adorable. It took quite a while for his personality to generate a name, but he is now "Buddy". Everytime I go into the bathroom, he comes up to me, sitts down & paws in the air for my attention. This time, Tinny is going to get spayed. I don't want her to have any more puppies....she is getting too old. Guess she just had to sneek in one more litter before that. She is so good with her puppies.....but it was funny when they started getting their teeth, she would jump into the bathtub to keep them away from her....good sign to ween them.

Things are coming along....waiting to hear from the people who are interested in purchasing our home. It seems like I can only do one major thing a day....then exhaustion sets in. I feel like I have to continue pushing myself to get everything done. Thing have to get done no matter how tired I get. The bad part of taking the seroquel to sleep is that is can really knock me out for much longer than I need to be. Unfortunately without it, the nightmares & everything continue to haunt me, & end up waking up in a panic state. Feelings from dreams I remember having when I was young.

I went to see my pdoc the other day & was reading an article about PTSD in it. It was basically saying that "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I don't feel stronger at all.......maybe after awhile it will happen.....they didn't say how long that takes. But then thearticle basically said that there are actually people who go through traumas that make them stronger immediately & they don't go through what some of us experience from a horrible experience. That left me wondering why I allowed myself to be effected by that experience in the way it has. But then I look at myself & the fact that I am haunted in my dreams....they are from my subconscious & that is something I don't allow or dis-allow.

I actually got brave enough to order my Mothers medical records from her surgeon. I so badly feel the need to see if I can put the pieces together. I want to see if the records contradict what he said. Why he never told my mother that she was dying is so beyond me. The feelings I have for my Mother are so bad.....guess is some ways I feel that the farm I am going to buy with the $ from her home is something I really deserve given what I had to go through because of her ignorance. This is probably a really bad time to go through the records with my psychologist on vacation for the next week......but I am so hoping that the information will help me some. Why hospice care wasn't put into place until 5 days before she died is beyond me.

I had gone to a senior center meeting regarding ID theft & talked to the may that is the go between for Adult Protective Services & the Police. We discussed the fact that APS had never gotten back to be about the report I or the social worker in the hospital had made against the RN. From what he said, the fact that they didn't get back to me sturred up a can of worms about procedures that weren't being followed. They had closed the case without ever talking to me, but it sounded like because they couldn't talk to my mother (either she was so far gone metally or she had died before they tried to talk to her), it was dropped & the RN is still out there preying on other cancer patients.

But I need to get back to packing & other projects that need to get finished. Unfortunately, I can't seem to turn off my brain even when I am packing....sometimes it makes it worse, looking at the things & thining back at things in the past. I should just throw things into boxes & stop thinking.

So much for now....thank you all for your responses,
Debbie