[mednurse80]

Okay....so here it goes. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD, Depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I have been in therapy for about 10yrs. I was with my first Psychiatrist for 7 of those years. He treated me only for my OCD. Finally, with the help of a friend, I found both a therapist and a psychiatrist that I have now. I have been on all different kinds of meds during that time. Lucky me, they start to work for a little while and then out of nowhere they STOP. It is so discouraging when that happens. Currently, I am on Lamictal 200mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, Topamax 25mg, Risperdal .5mg, and Xanax .5mg. I hate having to depend on so many meds. Throughout these years I have opened up about my past, acknowledged things that were done. I forgave those who wronged me, yet, I still suffer with the same symptoms...the rages, the anger and irritabilty, the low self worth, the sadness, and the emptiness. I don't know what else to do or say. I put everything out there on the table. My husband thinks it is because I haven't truly gotten ANGRY at those who abused and neglected me. I just so easily forgave them. I don't know what I am supposed to say to that?! I almost think that part of me is afraid to get better because this is all I know. This is who I am. I have given 10yrs of my time to therapists...spelling everything out for them...what else can I do? I recently, have had a setback, where I am unstable, so the doctor is trying to stabilize me on meds or they are talking about putting me back into the hospital. What am I not doing to help myself by healing from my past? I feel like I made amends, but still suffer these symptoms.

[shezbut]

(((mednurse)))

I have experienced the same thing with a few of my illnesses. Medications will work for a few years, and then things get too rough again & another change is in order. It is very frustrating!

In my opinion, it isn't anything that we're doing wrong, per say. But, part of the problem is physical. Fixing these major problems that we've held for YEARS don't go away that quickly. (I know that you've been working on the OCD for 10 years ~ but the other illnesses were untreated until just a few years ago.) In the grand scheme of life, a few years of treatment doesn't erase our misery.

Not that our misery will continue to follow us throughout our lives (at least I hope not!), but highs and lows will certainly be with us in life. Maybe you can try expressing these dark emotions that continue to haunt you through art (music, drawing, painting, writing, dance, etc.) and exercise. Something worth thinking about anyway.

Gentle hugs to you...