Friends...?

I go back and forth quite often on whether or not I even want to pursue friendships. It's been about ten years since I last had "friends" and I use that term loosely because it has never been more for me than an acquaintanceship that we mutually benefit from doing things together.

I only have one person in my life, my significant other of five years, and we have a strong friendship that underlies our romantic relationship. I am quite fulfilled in this, with the exception of some of our varied interests leading us on different paths. (I think music is the best example)

I know I don't have the emotional capacity to be a friend, it's quite taxing and I quickly find my self disinterested in others. I much prefer solitude, but sometimes I catch myself wanting the company of others for comfort or something to do. I don't mind socializing, but I prefer to not socialize with the same person more than once.

I realize that there are still a few decent people in the world, but the chances of me happening upon one of them is slim to none. I also know that I need to become much more self reliant, I should be able to do everything on my own.

I guess the question is, do I just need to man up and learn to become comfortable doing commonly social tasks on my own? Does anyone feel similarly to this?

I don't socialize outside of work. I almost never go out to do things except groceries, therapy and mental health classes. It causes a lot of anxiety to be in a social setting with no specific task to do. I guess that I don't have actual friends.

If I have read what you have written correctly, then I share some of your ambivalence towards other people. I'd like to have a small circle of friends, mainly single like myself, who would like to go to the movies, have dinner together and that sort of thing, but I seem to be living in a partnered up world. I don't want to get married again, nor do I want a romantic relationship at this point in my life, and I have zero interest in a 'friends with benefits' thing. So I'd better learn to do things on my own, huh?

I would start by pursuing "friends" in your music circle choice and other places where you and your current friend/partner differ and you feel lonely?

Friends don't have to be BFF's, they can be temporary as in taking a class or working somewhere and going out occasionally afterward with classmates or co-workers. But we all have our own life, our own interior thing where we feel lonely in X spot so we pursue things around X and that can lead us to others also pursuing X. That's what friendship is. If you like being with your partner but want to do something with couples you take a "team" class or take up a team sport (even bridge playing :-) meet some compatible people and move it to your homes. One friend at work and her sister (also worked with us) meet with their partners every Saturday for poker. Sometimes others come, most times not.

I appreciate the advice, but my partner won't do anything with me. I mean anything, ever. He doesn't leave the house, and tells me he doesn't need friends, so neither should I. When I tell him I would like to meet a few people with like interests I just get yelled at that I am too crazy and terrible of a person to ever be a friend to anyone. If I pursue anything outside of the house I am accused of cheating. I am told that I should be happy with talking to people on the internet occasionally or just play multiplayer games.

I'm not happy talking to people on the internet, I sometimes want actual contact with people. I'd love to have someone to go to concerts and stuff with, so he doesn't have the ammunition to accuse me of cheating for pursuing my own interests. The problem with that is that I'd just be using them for my own gain, so it leaves me confounded.

I think I understand how you're feeling to an extent.

I've never made friends easily. While I can be polite and civil to almost everyone, I despise small talk. My whole life I have either had one or two close friends or none at all. I find as I get older it becomes more difficult to maintain those couple of friends.

I also go through stages where I crave friendships and then I'll make one or two, only to be exhausted by them later.
I guess the problem is unfortunately as human beings we are social creatures to an extent.

I thought I was the only one who felt/feels this way! What a relief! I have been either wanting a gal pal to go have lunch/movies/coffee shops/bookstores/hikes/ as my hubby has NO interest in these things. In fact before we met he never had set foot in a bookstore. Recently we moved to another part of town, and I met with a lady about my age with similar interests.....man oh man talk about high maintenance! Problem is she is single, I'm not. So, it's not working out for me or her. Mostly, I've had 1 or 2 friends outside my family, and lately I am finding that the being alone isn't so bad for me. While I do enjoy people, and generally socializing, I do not and never have enjoyed "small" talk. Been like this always, give me a good book, or grab my leash and my dogs and off we go, meet lots of people without the added pressure. Having pets have help me a lot, cats, dogs, fish, plants, you name it. The dogs always listen, and my neighbors cat is always available for a kitty massage.

i feel exactly like you do. i never thought that i would find someone just like me who sometimes struggle to maintain good friendships and to see tehm end with a snap of a finger. i am just very fortunate to know that i'm not the only one who has to go through this.

Me too. isn't it so great that we all have something in common? people may feel this way, it's just that they're better at hiding it. they just don't cry in public.