Even if it were possible, I wouldn't be a child again for a million dollars. My parents would only take that million dollars away from me anyway. Shoot, my mother used to con me out of the five or so dollars my grandmother gave me for my birthday. No, there's no way I'd go back to my childhood.

But, I've often wondered what it would be like to go back to somebody else's childhood. Somebody else's safe, positive, healthy, nurturing childhood, being loved and accepted, not scolded or punished merely for being young, immature, and inexperienced.

And that stirs up a desire in me to do childish things that are no longer appropriate at my age. No, I don't mean whining or temper tantrums to get my way, or doing something "naughty" just because nobody can forbid me. I'm referring to things like putting my hair in pigtails and then pretending I'm in kindergarten just learning to write my alphabet. Playing with a toy, coloring in a book, watching a cartoon. Sometimes I even think I'd like to speak in baby talk and suck my thumb, while someone who loves me holds me in his lap (my husband?) and calls me affectionate things such as "kitten" or "princess," instead of the demeaning nicknames I actually was called as a child. Certainly not in public. In the privacy of our own living room, just the two of us. I didn't really get to fully experience being little, so deep inside me, the wish to do so is there. That whole "inner child work" concept appeals to me, although I've never done that kind of therapy formally.

On the other hand, if someone wants to annoy me really fast, all they have to do is make a big deal about how young I am. I know it's my own experience that gives it a warped mental association, but whenever anyone goes on and on about, "oh, you're not old at all; you're still young," I hear it as, "Pfft. You're still a child. I don't have to take you seriously yet. I don't have to listen to a word you say, I don't have to consider you my equal, and I definitely don't have to show you any respect." Of course, this comes from being saturated with a prevailing attitude of "mind your elders," "because I said so," and "children should be seen and not heard." The opinions and feelings of adults mattered. The opinions and feelings of children did not. "Being good" and "behaving yourself" worked out to mean, "not drawing attention to your own existence by needing something when it interferes with whatever I'm doing."

I suppose it would naturally follow then, that instead of this invalidation, it would be nice to experience the love and care a child should be shown. But if I were to insert my own parents into that scenario I painted above, and picture myself curled up beside my own mother or father on the couch, thumb in my mouth while they speak to me affectionately--well, just *squick.* I've had enough trouble over the years convincing my mother that I am actually a competent adult. I'm sure she'd love it if I still wanted her to baby me. But then she'd hold it over my head and use it to remind me, in some subtle way, that I'm still a little girl who needs Mommy to tell her what to do.

So how can I resolve this inner conflict? Is it normal to want to act like a very small child sometimes, while usually wanting to function as an adult?

[beauflow]

((Love Bird))

I think i get ya little here. with wanting to "childish things" in the private of your home-- I say put those pig tails up!

A few months I posed a similar question in Survives of abuse - no need for trigger button.
But what some people said there, it really helped me a lot. Maybe you too could take something from what they told me?

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...sh-things.html

I agree, I want to be heard and understood and independant, if I have something to say seriously I don't want to be treated as if I am nothing- My childhood has a lot to do with that as well.

Worse yet there are times with my S/O, i still feel like "I am not being heard"...... I am still working on that... I am making sure though that I hear me, -- i have some anger problems as well- and I myself have to sort out the being assertive, and not being a raging b**ch at times.


Hope someone else can hop on and give you more but just thought I would post the link because what some others said really helped me feel more comfortable with my s/o reading to me in bed, something i never got as a child and it is very comforting-- even if it is whinnie the pooh he reads to me.

[Leed]

I think there are alot of us who weren't nurtured as children, want to be nurtured as adults. We missed out on the mothering as kids -- I think it's only normal to want it now. That doesn't mean we should GET it. lol But I think the desire is something that alot of us have. I think we have to know how to get a reasonable facsimile of it in our current relationship.

For instance, asking to be held when we're feeling insecure by our SO isn't unreasonable. But obviously, crying and throwing temper tantrums would be. We just need to know where to draw the line.

The feelings aren't abnormal tho -- at least I don't think so. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

What I would mean by what you are saying is that I want to be pampered and cared for. I think there are ways to get that as an adult without the thumb sucking (I had braces when I was 29/30 and checked after I got them off and my mouth was no longer the same mouth as when I was 3-4, was not "mine" anymore :-( My husband pats my bottom every night before I go to bed. It's a ritual, kind of taking over from the good night kiss adults sometimes give children. Too, because our heights are different, I can stand on a step or he in front of one and look at the other and we "assume positions" for a hug :-) We have found that we fit together well if I'm on a step so now we make a game of looking for steps everywhere, LOL.

Talk to your husband, see what he likes (backrubs? hugs?) in the comfort department and let him know what would feel good to you. It doesn't have to have anything "childish" about it, that's your own wording and memories and thoughts getting in the way again. My husband loves having his head in my lap while I pet it (he's bald so I can't very well pet much hair :-) but that's not one of my things (me with my head in his lap). You can get whatever care you want now by asking for it (I hope) and extending the same to others. We all need touch and care, all our lives. I learned about touch really really late, in my 50's, when rubbing my stepmother's (in her 80's) back. Took me back to being 5 and 6 with her and healed a whole lot of things.

Interestingly, I also had braces. But I suck my thumb more often now (still seldom, but more often than it used to be) than I did when I was a teenager. It could be that I no longer smoke, and as a diabetic who needs to lose weight I have to watch what I eat, so thumb sucking is the only oral soothing technique that is LEFT. It isn't really a habit. I never catch myself sucking my thumb when I didn't realize I was doing it. I will allow only my husband to see it, and he's OK with it. In fact, he does something similar. When he's winding down after a full day, relaxing in front of the TV, or falling asleep, he puts only the very tip of his thumb between his lips. He's not actually, full-on, sucking his thumb, but from some angles it looks as if he is. And honestly, I think that's kind of cute, especially when he's curled up with his favorite blanket. Reminds me of a middle-aged Linus. Lately I'm wondering if there really is any harm in these things.

[Perna]

How we self-soothe is personal and I don't believe it does any harm but there are probably better/worse ways to self-soothe than others? If you needed to self-soothe in a public place, at work, etc., then what would you do? We all have stress and disappointments throughout our lives but we deal with them differently as we go along and find different methods. You use to smoke, for example, and some people drink or overeat, etc. Now you enjoy sucking your thumb. I don't think it is wholly non-habit; try not sucking your thumb for a week, see how "easy" that is?

I don't think judging how we cope is worthwhile, giving our methods positive or negative names ("childish"). It is what it is and can be amended by replacement habits or by dealing with underlying causes so it is not "needed", etc. If you enjoy it and it does not cause you or those you love around you any problems, then I say go with it. But if you are questioning it, then maybe talk to your/a therapist about it and see what's going on underneath and driving the habit? I use to have a habit that interfered with my life for 45+ years but had a lot of therapy and the habit went away, not needed anymore. The time engaged in the habit is more "mine" now, to do other things I'd rather do and think about other things I'd rather think about.

Originally Posted by Perna

How we self-soothe is personal and I don't believe it does any harm but there are probably better/worse ways to self-soothe than others? If you needed to self-soothe in a public place, at work, etc., then what would you do?

Slip off into a bathroom, or sit in my car, if doing something I don't want someone else to see me doing?

Originally Posted by Perna

We all have stress and disappointments throughout our lives but we deal with them differently as we go along and find different methods. You use to smoke, for example, and some people drink or overeat, etc. Now you enjoy sucking your thumb. I don't think it is wholly non-habit; try not sucking your thumb for a week, see how "easy" that is?

Oh, I could easily go a week or more, maybe even months. It's rare, actually. But I was considering stepping it up, because it won't trigger asthma as going back to smoking would, damage my liver as going back to drinking would, or elevate my blood sugar as going back to overeating would.

But then, if I totally refrained from sucking my thumb, I probably would eat more to compensate. Given this, I see your point about habit.

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't think judging how we cope is worthwhile, giving our methods positive or negative names ("childish").

I'm not sure "childish" is a negative term. Merely descriptive.

Originally Posted by Perna

It is what it is and can be amended by replacement habits or by dealing with underlying causes so it is not "needed", etc. If you enjoy it and it does not cause you or those you love around you any problems, then I say go with it. But if you are questioning it, then maybe talk to your/a therapist about it and see what's going on underneath and driving the habit? I use to have a habit that interfered with my life for 45+ years but had a lot of therapy and the habit went away, not needed anymore. The time engaged in the habit is more "mine" now, to do other things I'd rather do and think about other things I'd rather think about.

Probably worth a mention to my therapist. The thumb sucking as well as the desire to play with toys, wear pigtails, use baby talk, and pretend I'm just learning to read and write. I'm looking for an affirming experience while I'm in the role of a child, since I didn't get one before.

Thanks for your input.

[yellowted]

there is nothing wrong in being childish at times, it keeps your inner child happy!
if you did not get the opportunity to fully have a proper childhood as a child your inner child will not have grown up as quickly as the rest of you, and therefore is still seeking the experiences it feels it did not experience when you were young.
mine used to come to the surface whenever i had to attend training workshops, i would feel little/vulnerable, suck my fingers and just want it to be over so i could go home and cuddle my teddy, my therapist at the time suggested i try taking teddy in a bag with me and whenever the feeling started i could stroke teds ear under the table, it worked and after a few times i did not need teddy to come with me anymore!
I still like being childish at times, usually when i have big decisions to make i take time out in private to be a child again for a while before the 'adult' me can confidently make the decision.
if being a child for a while helps you feel ok then go for it in the evening, just keep reality that you need to be an adult again in the morning, don't let your inner child rule the whole time, but giving it a designated time each week or so will help it feel ok enough to let you feel and be an adult the rest of the time
you wouldn't ignore your leg if it were hurting would you so why ignore your inner childs feelings when it is hurting?????

By the way, in case anyone was curious, the fact that I needed braces was not related to thumb sucking. I wasn't doing it at the time my permanent teeth came in, around 8 to 10 years old. Back then I chewed my hair, bit my fingernails, nibbled on pieces of paper, or sucked on fabric, but I didn't suck my thumb until later. My protruding front teeth were the result of a "tongue thrust" when I swallowed. That meant I was pressing my tongue against the back of my upper front teeth, causing them to grow in seriously bucked. It was pretty extreme, making it impossible to chew with my mouth closed. I finally got braces when I was 13. A school counselor who had noticed the personality problems I was developing because of the bullying organized a drive to raise the funding. I'm glad she did, because my parents never would have paid for them. Beer and cigarettes came first, children's health needs last.

I've been researching. For one thing, I've just found this gem by C. S. Lewis:

"Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

I also discovered that there is actually a website devoted to adult thumb suckers. It seems to be pretty old though. Some broken links, and the last chat mentioned was in 2002.

And, in articles and comments where other adults admit to either sucking their thumbs until a late age, or still doing it, one lady remarked, "I sucked my thumb until I was 14 or 15, then I started smoking. Strange how the latter is more socially acceptable than the former." In fact, when my siblings and I were teenagers and beginning to smoke, my father ridiculed it by stating that it has been called, "the adult form of thumb sucking." His intent was to illustrate that smoking did not, in fact, make us cool or grown up. But that was lost on us. When he said "adult form of thumb sucking," he meant the emphasis to be on "thumb sucking," conjuring up images of babies and toddlers, so that as teenagers we'd be repulsed and think of smoking as an immature thing to do. But our minds placed the emphasis on "adult," confirming our idea that it made us grown up, and the result was the opposite of what he'd meant. Besides, he smoked at least 3 packs a day himself.

He was lecturing us so angrily, and the fact that between these two sentences he didn't even pause for a breath ("You kids are NOT going to smoke cigarettes! Eric, hand me the ashtray.") is still a family joke. And, it was so effective that all four of us smoked for many years. I have quit. My sister had quit, last I heard. One brother quit for a while and then relapsed, I think. The other brother, at last check, doesn't even care and hasn't tried to quit. (As you can tell, we don't keep very close track of each other nowadays.)

Sadly, another comment on the article, responding to the adults who admitted to late thumb sucking, was, "You people need a cigarette. It looks more mature and way sexier." Well, been there done that. Have the asthma to prove it. I'll suck my thumb, thanks.

[lizardlady]

Lovebird, I believe the desire to be held and nutured is basic to all humans. I don't see wanting to be nurtured/protected or needing to self-sooth as being "childish". Again, I believe it's part of being human.

You mention coloring in a book. I do. I have a staqck of coloring books, crayons, colored pencils and pastels. After a rough day coloring can help me chill out. What's the difference in my coloring and someone else painting?

Thumb sucking? While I don't see a problem with it others might. You might want to go somewhere private to do it. When I was in grad school one of my profs talked about a client he had whose wife made him come in for therapy because he would come home from work and suck his thumb. Classmates thought I was odd when I said she was the one who needed to be in therapy. In my opinion he was doing something to help himself relax that did not harm anyone else. I wondered if the wife would have preferred he come home and get drunk. Your quote about the person who gave up thumb sucking for smoking struck home for me. I often wonder if behaviors like smoking are a substitute for thumb sucking.

Sit in someone's lap? Once again, I believe we all have a need to be nurtured. To this day there are times I wish I could crawl in someone's lap and have them tell me it will all be OK. I'm single so it's not going to happen, but I still wish I could. Have you talked to your husband about it? Back in the day, I used to sit in my hubby's lap on occasion just to spend some time together.

Watch cartoons? What harm in that? Probably healthier than a lot of the other poop that's on TV!

Play with toys? Again, why not? Play is a basic part of human nature also IMHO. I have all sorts of toys around my house ranging from stuffed animals to wind up toys to computer games.

[Silent Void]

I'm still a child and I don't care. I'm tired of apologizing for everything I do and say. I can't seem to get it right even when I really think through what I'm going to do or say. I rehearse endlessly so I don't offend anyone and I still **** up.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

Even if it were possible, I wouldn't be a child again for a million dollars. My parents would only take that million dollars away from me anyway. Shoot, my mother used to con me out of the five or so dollars my grandmother gave me for my birthday. No, there's no way I'd go back to my childhood.

But, I've often wondered what it would be like to go back to somebody else's childhood. Somebody else's safe, positive, healthy, nurturing childhood, being loved and accepted, not scolded or punished merely for being young, immature, and inexperienced.

And that stirs up a desire in me to do childish things that are no longer appropriate at my age. No, I don't mean whining or temper tantrums to get my way, or doing something "naughty" just because nobody can forbid me. I'm referring to things like putting my hair in pigtails and then pretending I'm in kindergarten just learning to write my alphabet. Playing with a toy, coloring in a book, watching a cartoon. Sometimes I even think I'd like to speak in baby talk and suck my thumb, while someone who loves me holds me in his lap (my husband?) and calls me affectionate things such as "kitten" or "princess," instead of the demeaning nicknames I actually was called as a child. Certainly not in public. In the privacy of our own living room, just the two of us. I didn't really get to fully experience being little, so deep inside me, the wish to do so is there. That whole "inner child work" concept appeals to me, although I've never done that kind of therapy formally.

On the other hand, if someone wants to annoy me really fast, all they have to do is make a big deal about how young I am. I know it's my own experience that gives it a warped mental association, but whenever anyone goes on and on about, "oh, you're not old at all; you're still young," I hear it as, "Pfft. You're still a child. I don't have to take you seriously yet. I don't have to listen to a word you say, I don't have to consider you my equal, and I definitely don't have to show you any respect." Of course, this comes from being saturated with a prevailing attitude of "mind your elders," "because I said so," and "children should be seen and not heard." The opinions and feelings of adults mattered. The opinions and feelings of children did not. "Being good" and "behaving yourself" worked out to mean, "not drawing attention to your own existence by needing something when it interferes with whatever I'm doing."

I suppose it would naturally follow then, that instead of this invalidation, it would be nice to experience the love and care a child should be shown. But if I were to insert my own parents into that scenario I painted above, and picture myself curled up beside my own mother or father on the couch, thumb in my mouth while they speak to me affectionately--well, just *squick.* I've had enough trouble over the years convincing my mother that I am actually a competent adult. I'm sure she'd love it if I still wanted her to baby me. But then she'd hold it over my head and use it to remind me, in some subtle way, that I'm still a little girl who needs Mommy to tell her what to do.

So how can I resolve this inner conflict? Is it normal to want to act like a very small child sometimes, while usually wanting to function as an adult?

yes it is normal to want to be a child now and then, to act like a child now and then...here where I live and work we have a therapy model based on those times... its called inner child work. we have retreats, workshops where participants can do things that are childish (play with doll, trucks, sand, play on playground equipment, play doh, dress in pajama's cuddle teddies and watch child like tv shows... ) and learn how to do those childhood things again because with in those childhood games, attire, hair styles there are many essential skills we learned as children that are needed in the adult world too like social, work, interpersonal, relationship, and even hygiene skills we learned through play as children are used in the adult world too.

my wife and I would spend our days off "just being" in other words not worrying about if what we are doing is fit for an adult to do or fit for a therapist with a day off should be doing. one of our favorite child things to do is spend a day in our pj's and eat non traditional meals..

good thing we are comfortable doing this because one day recently we were given a parenting/lamaze class assignment we had to act like children for 24 hours....we had our hair in braids, banana split for breakfast, watched cartoons, ate pizza watched laural and hardy and the three stooges, drew with crayons, ate m&m pancakes and drank out of baby bottles...quite an experience lol and fun too.

[tinyrabbit]

I had a lousy childhood and I love some childish things.

And I still suck my thumb. My husband thinks it's cute. I wish I didn't but I'm not able to get to sleep otherwise, pathetically. And I did smoke for years as well but I've quit - smoking was easier to give up!

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Silent Void

I rehearse endlessly so I don't offend anyone and I still **** up.

Yeah, trying to rehearse things conceptually doesn't always work. Trying to develop empathy and really understand the other person's point of view can really help develop insight and quite often what to say or not comes naturally out of that. But you have to set aside your own point of view for a moment.

Thanks for writing this to the op. I grew up with a lot of rejection, especially my mother. I also crave some sort of affection, and its not gonna happen either. I feel in some ways I want to be childlike too. I never had a parent whos lap I could sit on, or pat my head affectionately. I probably sucked my thumb till I was five. I started smoking at 14. I thought it was mostly because I liked the smell (my dad was the only occasional hug or tickle and he smoked). But I'm thinking now that nail biting, my oldest does that, or overeating etc. is all somehow just a mouth thing that gives us some soothing. I should want to quit smoking now for sure since I'm thinking of it now like its a stinky ugly soother lol.

[lizardlady]

I wanted to add.....

I tell people I decided to become Merlin. According to legend Merlin lived his life backwards, growing younger as the years passed. I didn't get to be a kid when I was young. I've decided I'm going to act like a kid now when I want. I'm secure enough in who I am at this point in my life to act the fool if I feel like it.

[yellowted]

I drink out of a baby bottle most nights/mornings, not because i want to be a baby, but simply for ease. it is easier to hold a baby bottle in my teeth as i pull myself upstairs to bed, i spill less liquid when i drop the bottle in bed, if i drop the bottle when i am half way upstairs it doesn't break as it bounces down to the bottom, having a wide neck it is easier to tip the movicol powder and milk in than a water bottle. whenever i am not using a baby bottle i need to use a lidded cup with a straw or a pop top bottle as my hands do not coordinate well and i end up tipping a whole cup of drink down my front or choking on the liquid as i tip too much in at once! i do not care what others think, it works for me! i actually have a lidded cup at work with my name on so everyone knows it is only for me to use, and whenever i go in for a meeting it is always by the tea and coffee filled with juice waiting for me!(i don't drink tea or coffee)

[Silent Void]

Ted, I'm not a hugger but I'm sending one to you, and I'm glad your colleagues are working with you on your needs.