[SeptemberMorn]

"terms of endearment"?

My neighbor called me "sweety" today when he came home from a long weekend. It gave me a small charge, but at the same time, I know that he didn't mean anything by it.

Here on the board it seems that everyone uses one term or another in addressing friends and strangers.

Here, I seem to call everyone "hon" or "sweety" most of the time. Before I came here, I never used terms of endearment, but here it seems so natural and normal. I've even started using these with my own family.

Something I remembered when my neighbor used one of those terms with me today is that when I was a kid, it would make me light up like a light bulb and automatically expect to be "loved" from that day forward. LOL Can't really say why, but it did give me a very warm fuzzy feeling and would want to cling to that person, albeit not physically. Today, the feeling wasn't nearly as intense. Maybe because I've become cynical, or maybe because I know that some terms of endearment are overused. Some people even resent them and feel that they are condecending.

When I use them, it means that I, at least, like that person and feel comfortable with them. Just wondering how everyone else feels about them.

I'd really like your comments. I need some enlightenment.

[gardenergirl]

For the most part, I don't mind them. I use them at times with my friends or those I care about or like very much. However, I have also been known to use them sarcastically when addressing someone I don't respect, just to sort of poke at them.

And I'm not overly fond of having someone who has power over me, often men, use those endearments. I think in some settings, it's degrading to the woman. I feel put in my place, so to speak, when it happens to me. Kind of like George Bush giving that shoulder rub to the German Chancellor, a woman, at the G8 summit recently. She flailed in surprise. I'm sure he was just trying to be "good ol' boy charming", but I found it very disrespectful to treat the only woman in the room that way in front of her peers. If he'd tried that with any of the men, I think they'd react differently. (Kapow!) So I see the use of endearments and that kind of inappropriate touching in business and professional settings as demeaning. But that's just me.

I can think of a couple of times when someone special used a term like that to me when I was young. It meant the world to me, then. I think there still can be those meaningful moments even when the terms are overused. I think you'll feel it when it's authentic.

Interesting topic.

gg

[eskielover]

I have never been one for those kind of terms AT ALL. Told my husband up front never to call me by anything like that "or else". My parents were never into that & neither were my grandparents on either side. As I remember, my gramps had a cute term for my Mother, but that was about where it stopped.

As a child, I never wanted my parents to treat me as a child & for some reason, I felt that being called by something like that was childish. As I grew older, I felt that those names didn't respect me for who I was so I never let guys call me by anything expcept my name.

Working as an aerospace engineer, those kind of terms seemed very unprofessional. being that i was about the only female in a huge group of guys, I wasn't about to allow myself to be caled by anything that seemed unprofessional since I expected to be treated as one of the guys. No one ever tried either.

After I got married, we have nick names that we use......sis, bro, ner, ger.....but that is about it. I guess because I don't like those terms being used on me, I never used them myself either......they just never seemed right.

But this is just me......usually keeping my distance from other people.
Debbie

[SeptemberMorn]

One thing I certainly agree with the two of you on and that it's inappropriate in a professional setting. It's inappropriate for a female boss to a female employee but even more so from a male boss to a female employee! That's what I would call "condesending" I guess.

I use one in a sarcastic tone to that male person that comes over from time to time. I say "Yes, DEAR."

I'm gonna have to think more on the rest.

[DaveyJones]

When I was young, I used to HATE them--in high school I even broke up with the nicest (and prettiest) girl I ever knew because she called me "Sugar Bear" in the hall. (Come to think of it, I still might)...

When I was managing a guitar store, we had a salesgirl at a company in the deep South who would call us "puddin'". One of the other guys got a big kick out of that! I thought it was pretty cool. There was a British lady at another company who would call me "love" in her luscious accent...you better believe I bought and sold LOTS of her products!

I would never call a casual acquaintance like a co-worker anything like "sweetie" or "hon", and not very many others, either.

I think the rules are different for men and women. Since men are "supposed" to make the advances, and women are perceived to lack power in this sort of exchange, men are often (correctly) assumed to pigs when they do this. Women, however, are perceived to be "sweet" and "caring" when they do the same thing. I think the use of such terms becomes more acceptable the closer the relationship becomes--hence the name "terms of endearment".

Bottom line: you can call me "puddin'" or "love" in the appropriate accent anytime!

Later, Babe!<g>
DJ

how ever this debate ends up, being a yorkshireman first and a englishman second, take from that what you will, i think complements to the opposite sex, either way, are a good way of starting a conversation, call it sexist but it does work both ways.

[SeptemberMorn]

teehee teehee

Well, now you know how I react when a sweet hunk like you calls me by one of those! LOL

No kidding, DJ, thank you so very much for your male insight.

May I ask you more specific questions? What meaning do you put behind those terms of endearment? Do you think you're special in that person's eyes? If they called you "Sweety," would you think they meant something more "profound" by it, or is it just a casual way of addressing you other than by your name?

More importantly, how did you feel when I first addressed you as "sweety" or "hon"? Did you think I was being fresh, rude or did you think I actually meant that I think you are sweet? All of the above? None of the above?

(Puddin????? )

[DaveyJones]

OK, I'm turning red ~blushing~

May I ask you more specific questions?
You bet, sweetie!

What meaning do you put behind those terms of endearment?
This is a hard one...I think you have to judge by the situation...of course that's what we're trying to figure out, isn't it? In the South and in England, according to mellors, this is pretty routine in casual relationships. I lived in the Midwest US for many years, and it was not routine...the closer a relationship became the more you heard these endearments.

Do you think you're special in that person's eyes? If they called you "Sweety," would you think they meant something more "profound" by it, or is it just a casual way of addressing you other than by your name?
Again, it just depends...I can say that, in my own case, if I use these kinds of words to a lady I don't know that well, I am trying to send a "positive" message.

More importantly, how did you feel when I first addressed you as "sweety" or "hon"? Did you think I was being fresh, rude or did you think I actually meant that I think you are sweet? All of the above? None of the above?
I must say that when you addressed me this way the other day, I felt a bit of a "charge", as you put it earlier. I had been away from PC for awhile, and I hadn't felt very welcome (my problem, no one else's) for awhile. So, when I read your post it made me feel very welcome, that you really meant what you said, and it made me feel really good!

Yeah, "Puddin"...it's right up there with "Shug" (as in "Sugar") and "Dumplin"'!!!

So...I guess you can call me "sweet hunk" any time, Puddin'!

DJ

[SeptemberMorn]

LMBO Ok... I'm confused now! LOL But I like it!

Ahem! Are we flirting????

[allthegirls6]

I dont know about flirtin, but I work with a nut case who spent all day yeaterday questioning everything I said and all day today calling me sweetness!

[Sabrina]

On-line endearments do not bother me at all - they make me feel special. I have a very different relationship with my on-line friends than with anyone in real life.

In-real-life endearments from people that do not know me make my teeth curl. I do not like being called "lovey", "sweetie" or any other such thing by people that have never met me. That would include "dear".

The worst is being called "lady" - something that happens frequently - but then I guess this is not an endearment at all.

On the other hand, my husband can call me anything he wants - all it does is make me feel mushy and loved. (oh, except 'snookums' - I call my dog that ....)

[SeptemberMorn]

The questioning would annoy the heck outta me and like was stated before; terms of endearment don't belong at the work place.

How do YOU feel about it?

[SeptemberMorn]

Oh, boy! Have I ever called you "lady"?? I do that sometimes and it IS a term of endearment for me. I hope I haven't offended you.

Now I'm wondering if it was a smart thing to do starting this tread and having to keep everyone's wishes in mind! LOL

[alisandria]

Hmmm, all very interesting, and I agree with just about all of it. LOL That adds further to confusion!!!! I guess, I feel like this, if someone knows me well enough I find it endearing, unless the tone behind it is sarcastic or sexist. I really never like being called honey or dear because my daughter's dad used those terms so loosely with everyone that it was not endearing to me to be called that. More the contrary, I found it a bit insulting. However, much time has past and it doesn't bother me unles as previously stated...I find it actually sometimes refreshing. It's hard to tell the tone of online "talk" so endearing words hear and there sure do help when I am attempting to "listen". (oh and the ex still calls me honey sometimes...but I put him in his place when he does)....that's my two cents worth.

[DaveyJones]

Um...I hope so...

DJ

When I first came online a few years ago it took me quite a while to accept people calling me sweetie or hon or dear because I wasn't used to these words at all. Nobody in my real life called me this. First I was shy by it and then I reliased it was just a way of being gentle with me and also a kind of sweet caring. I have accepted these words now and I do use them myself quite often. I think they are lovely words.

In my realy life I do not used them accept with my children. Nobody uses these words with me.

But I did meet an online friend last year and we did used these words, maybe because they were meant to be use between us.

Nice and interesting thread!

[Bethsway]

Terms of endearment are sweet to me...as long as they aren't overdone...I use them sometimes but when I do it is from the heart...not a monotonous habit...better than calling someone a naughty word that would be better left out of this conversation...lol you know the saying...you can call me anything...but don't call me late for dinner!! lol

I don't mind online when someone calls me sweety or hon...one site I was at it was said all of the time, but with concern and care, just like here...though IRL it is a totally different thing for me..I do not look my age, people even think my eldest son is my brother, and it feels very condesending when women who do not know me really at all, call me "sweety" or "honey"..that kinda irks me the wrong way...learning though to not take it so seriously..ok, slowly learning

[bebop]

I call people I care about hon all the time. sometimes sweetie but mostly hon. to me it shows affection which I like. I do understand some people don't like to be called things like that and I try to respect that. all one has to do is ask me not to and I try to remember that.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{DJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You're shameless! LOL I love it!!! In front of God and everybody!! Do it some more! Do it some more!

[Flinty]

I'm 26 years old & on occasion have been called "Madam"

Sorry if what I am about to say offends some, that makes me sound like I run a Brothel!!!!

I don't mind what my on-line friends here at PC call me (as long as it's not Madam....) it's a sign of affection!!

Flinty

[alisandria]

lol, Flinty, I can so feel what you are saying. I don't like that either. I rather someone call me Miss out of respect rather than Madam, unless they want to follow that by Madam Universe or something, lol...ok, yeah, have I said I am a weeeee bit sleep deprived lately (me gets a bit punch drunk when I am). hugs, Lisa

[desirae]

I think people use terms of endearement nowadays to simply call people all one name, and forget trying to learn everybodies names!....lol

[DizzyLizzy]

This is an interesting topic, and I agree with a lot of what people have said.

Personally, I have never been hurt or offended or upset by online use of terms of endearement, and in real life my husband and I use all sorts of names for each other.

I DO get offended by these temrs when they are used in customer service types of situations.... like when a waitress or cashier calls me "hon" or (even worse in my opinion) when a nurse or other medical professional uses these terms.

I consider it worse for a nurse to use terms of endearement because a nurse has my name on his/her chart, it's a professional situation even if it's not a work environment, and the majority of the time the patient is in a vunerable position (such as laying ill in a hospital bed), and having any medical professional use these terms is just degrading in my opinion.

But I feel special when my husband uses terms of endearement, I feel like part of the family when my in-laws use them, I feel a little weird when real life friends use them but at the same time I do feel like they care about me....

....but online it never bothers me to be called 'hon' or 'sweety' because in my opinion it is a way to show caring through words. Online you can't see a smile, or feel someone put a hand on your shoulder to show care/concern, and you can't hear the care in their tone of voice because everything online is just words on a page. So to me, using terms of endearement online is like a way of letting people hear the care in your voice, letting people see the smile on your face, letting people feel the hand of support of their shoulder.

Liz

[SeptemberMorn]

Great input, everyone! Right now, the only observation I have is that whether spoken, written or implied, words are powerful. The way we process them in our minds is bottom line. Our own past experiences will define that process; positive, negative, indifferent. I'm somehow inclined to ask, "Just how did you mean that?" ... and then again... not.

I suppose it depends on what we WANT to believe or what we CHOOSE to believe, but most importantly, how certain words... or even sounds (implied in writing)... make us FEEL.