[henrydavidtherobot]

I feel trapped in my life and in cycles of unhappiness and bad choices. I do honestly have hope that things will get better, but not anytime soon.

I graduate in a couple of months with a summa GPA. My father offered to pay off the remainder of my lease so that I can leave as soon as I get a job. I'm looking to work in South Korea or Japan. I think it will be great for me.

However, that stuff is not now. The last guy I had any interest in here got a gf behind my back and is returning to town in a couple of days. I'm incredibly depressed and angry. I cry almost everyday because I feel like no one here that I am interested likes me or respects me. My self esteem has taken a huge dive and I feel like an incredibly undesirable creature. So I am going to be alone while just about everyone else around me isn't, because apparently this is an easy game for everyone else. And no, I won't meet anyone new. I'm a realist.

I love my friends, but I feel like few people here really get me or are engaging enough not to bore me. With no bf and unsatisfying friendships, I feel incredibly lonely and misunderstood.

My mental health has been horrible and I'm going for a P evaluation soon. It doesn't help that I drink more than I would like to. I feel like drinking is a) the only thing to do here and b) the only way that I can be around most people here without wanting to shove my head into a wall. I feel like my only other option is staying home every night. The drinking screws with my moods and I don't even want to do it, but its the only thing that I have that helps. I don't do anything dangerous when I drink, but I know that binge drinking on weekends isn't healthy.

I have 6 classes and teach a class and work, so hopefully my workload will keep my thoughts in check. However, it makes me incredibly sad to feel that there is nothing for me here and that I will just have to coast through the next 6 months until I can have a shot at a happy healthy life. I want reasons to wake up and ways to have fun now. I don't want to coast. I'm 23! It also doesn't help that I don't think that I'll be a part of the poetry community here anyone because my ex main squeeze is a big part of it too and seeing him will just remind me of how undesirable and disposable I am.

I feel like I have nothing to look forward to this fall except media that I enjoy and going to university poetry readings by myself.

This was more of a rant, sorry. But really, how do I just swallow this pill and suck it up and just continue my joke of a life for 6 months until I can leave?

[yellowted]

think of yourself as standing in a dome, at the moment the dome is full of a dark smoke like substance made up of dark thoughts and negative feelings which are obscuring the view of you by others. concentrate on clearing these thoughts and feelings by doing things which you enjoy or which confirm the good things about you, once you feel better about yourself the dark smoke will clear and people will see the real you and be more likely to want you as a friend.
unfortunately people often do not know how to be friends with people who do not like themselves as the negativity rubs off and makes them feel bad too.

[spondiferous]

Have you considered mindfulness? Meditation? CBT? DBT? Distraction? Six months sounds like a long time. And I suppose it is when you're going through hell, I know that much. But it does go a lot faster than it sounds like when you say it to yourself.
Are you really going to be happy in six months? Or will your stuff just follow you there? Something to consider. Not to say that your problems are all self-created and the only way to make them go away is to 'snap out of it', or anything like that. Just something to ponder a bit to make sure you are setting yourself up for the best life possible.
Take good care. I'm around if you want to chat, just PM me.

[henrydavidtherobot]

yellow, that does make sense. honestly, no matter how dark life gets at times, I always have good friends around, so I must be doing something right

I ALWAYS get meditation and other Eastern stuff recommended to me because I have a hard time detaching myself from my problems. I actually can't know for sure that I can leave in 6 months. When I move, I will probably be horrendously depressed for two months due to loneliness and culture shock. I just feel that the new scenery will give me a good foundation to build the life I want. I will still have all of my issues abroad, but I think that I will be in a good place to start fresh.