[mrpieeater]

Hi, my name is Tim, I'm a new person here. I've been suffering from depression for a long time, ever since being bullied (and bullying) in school. From there my friends dropped out, I was alone, fell into a whole lot of drinking and weed usage, and have spent a long time filled with fear and anxiety.

Things continued badly for a long while, improved in the early 20s, but then around 21 I fell into an extreme darkness. My 21st birthday was the one of the most miserable experiences of my life, alone, everything black and painful. And then over time anxiety increased, I started to hate everything, stopped laughing, and for a number of months got up to go to a boring job I hated wishing death upon myself every waking hour.

It was a new job but I just drifted through it. I longed to talk to people and form relationships but I found my abilities lacking, my face would go red, stumbled around, not know what to say. After a few weeks I started avoiding any social interaction with co-workers and I felt like a weirdo, just shuffling in and out of work, going home and feeling miserable. Then a tension formed in my chest and it felt like my stomach was being strangled everyday. Everything felt heavy, made breathing difficult, a tenseness set in so if anyone came near my desk my limbs would freeze.

One time at work a girl came and talked to me and I literally froze and couldn't talk, I stared out the window and wished she go away. She found my extremely strange but I snapped out of it after like a minute and covered for it half-assedly. Pretty much I have an extreme fear of letting anyone get to know me because I've spent years hating my character, feeling I was weak, unlovable, that nothing I have to say is of interest. Plus I think I've suffered from a supreme lack of social skills.

So I push people away, become consumed in a world of self-pity, self-hatred, and solitude. Social interaction gives me severe anxiety because I feel I'm worthless, and they can see how little I think of myself so they think the same.

A month or so ago I had my first serious thoughts of suicide, and I've never had that before. I sincerely decided that I no longer wanted to live and set down plans to die, however at the last moment I had a breakdown in front of my family and they urged me to get help.

Now I'm on medication and receiving therapy, I feel a little better...however, I know that I've got a LONG way to go. I feel people relapse due to complacency, basically if I really don't kick this damn thing now it's too late. I need to discover life again but can't expect to change overnight, you really have to work at it.

My first step is to identify every negative thought I have, and I think it would be a useful thing for everyone to do. Basically it's about becoming conscious of what you're thinking, if you feel nervous about meeting someone STOP and identify that thought. From there you can challenge it.

Today at work I was feeling ok but then talked to someone...afterwards I felt a tremble of negativity, so I pounced on it and wrote it down. What did I feel? Agitated! Why? Because my supervisor had told me I was being too slow. Then solutions...work faster...or take my time and use it to improve my performance, etc. That would be like, nervous about meeting someone. Why? Because they won't like you, or you'll screw it up. Solutions? You can't know what they're thinking, or you may be fine.

Although I think the hardest, most difficult step of all is actually getting in a state of being able to stop and identify these things. Psychologists and therapists go on and on but they don't realize to the insane extent that procrastination and the not doing of things is one of the biggest security blankets of depression and anxiety.

I think that being told to just 'do something' is misleading and harmful. Why? Because what if you're not equipped to do it? I mean you really have no clue? It's like flying and plane without having any piloting ability. You WILL mess it up and feel worse afterwards. I would say like riding a bike, but that's far too easy to do in comparison to break out of social anxiety and inadequacy. What you truly have to do is lay a groundwork or foundation from which to spring to action. It's like reading the manual, taking the training, then flying the plane.

Anyways, I'm doing the best I can. I'm not happy yet, but I'm trying. And you have to take every defeat and find a victory in it. I know I'm still still partly depressed and weak, but you have to work through it slowly and in a quality way or you'll just fool yourself into thinking you're better.

For example, I quit smoking...but only after about my EIGHTH try! My first quitting attempt was pathetic, but it got better and better until I finally quit...for about 3 months...then another relapse. A couple more attempts later and I feel completely free of smoking! Why's that? Because I kept trying and got better at it each time! You can't kick this stuff straight away, and when you're down you have to pick yourself back up, cos now you can try just a LITTLE bit better than before. (though in my depression's case my trying harder co-incided with my depression getting worse, tricky...)

I think the greatest power in the world would be the ability to enter a room where everyone is laughing AT you, ridiculing and scorning you and NOT CARING at ALL. Imagine how amazing that would feel.

[Bethsway]

Hello Mr. Pieeater...welcome to PC...I think you will find the people here are very supportive...First I would just like to say your post is terrific...I have been here since August and still cannot bring myself to talk about my problems...So hurray!!! for you! That is a great first step! Glad you are going for help and hope you get better each day...I also have social anxiety and have to struggle every day just to go outside my home...I know what you are going though...anyhow, once again welcome to PC!!

[mrpieeater]

For me it's way easier to talk about things on the net, but that is because I have been posting on the internet for a loonng time. It's really, really hard to talk about this kind of stuff in real life, and could only really get it out to my family after having a complete meltdown. Not so fun, heh.

I'm keen to look around this site and gather information, the book that comes with this site looks very interesting and useful...or maybe it's a different site...this one...

http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org...r1/chap1_.html

[(JD)]

Welcome! I don't think any of us, self assured or not, likes those talks or notes from a boss lol. I have many times entered a roomful of ppl laughing at me or something I did...most of them doing so in fun but then... ???

I'm glad to see the progress you are making, working on yourself and doing such great self care. (Who cares how many times it took to try, quitting smoking is one huge effort,imo!)

I think posting here will certainly help you with the social anxieties, and if you can make it into the chat room to chat, that will also help you. Of course, the real world might not always be as supportive and understanding as the general membership of PC.

[JustAPixie]

Welcome mrpieeater!!!!!!!!!!

[FaithisAlive]

Welcome to PC Tim..I know what you mean about talking on the internet about whats going in your heart and mind.. I am the same way.The anonymity of the internet makes it possible for me to be more authentic than in "real life" becauseI have nothing to fear in the way of criticism or judgements or lack of acceptance.

I'm sorry you were bullied in school.. I never have been able to understand how others could be so cruel. When I was in school I was the one who did all I could to make bully's stop what they were doing.. even to the point of physical fighting on a couple of occasions.

I think you will find people here will embrace you and be of support to you as you need. Feel free to talk all you need to.And try not to let yourself listen to the negative things bullies had to say to you.

Peace, Angelica