[BlueButterflyMomma]

I have never been diagnoised so I thought this was the best fitting forum for what I have to say.
I have always been too embarrassed or ashamed to admit that something was wrong with me. I have so many dark and disturbing memories that haunt me. As a child growing up, I did things that should never of been shrugged aside or gone unnoticed. This is very difficult to write for me. I have a very hard time when I feel judged.
at the age of 5 I chased my babysitter around the house with a pair of scissors because she put pepper in my mac n cheese. Prior my uncle asked me what pepper smelled like so I accidentally snorted it up my nose. This made me hate pepper. I became very sexual at the age of 7 and began fantasizing and playing with myself without knowing what it meant. At 12 I threw a rock out of anger at a second grader and literally missed his eye by half an inch. My brother moved when I was 13. He became a dad at 16 and lived with his gf's family. My parents never had time for me. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years without guidance, love, acknowledgement and without any emotional attachments. I was scared to death of my father because he was a scary kind of guy. My mom wad distant because she was depressed. I lost my virginity at 13, at 15 my at the time bf decided to stick his thing in my behind and refused to pull out after I said stop and no until he came. I never screamed or did anything because I did not want my dad to know what I was doing because I wad scared of him. My bf was 19. I wad never taught to cook, clean, be organized, how to budget money. Everything I know today was self taught. There are more things in my life that happened too.
I feel numb to feeling emotion. I always feel mentally alone. I can't stand family functions or social events because I feel uncomfortable. I sometimes can't even order from a drive through. What bothers me most is I anger easy. My husband has no clue as to what I go through daily. He sometimes does not think before he opens his mouth. Sometimes I get so angry that I physically harm him. I have no control when I get like this because in that moment I have no care as to how much I hurt him or how far I go to do so. I have done some unforgivable things and sometime I don't know how I will hold on because I can never forgive myself for the pain and hurt I have caused.

[greentires4me]

it sounds like you got some BPD traits with anger and push away your love one...but thats just me. I am no doctor but just what you described it sounded like a Borderline Personality Disorder person.

Welcome to PC!!!

[eskielover]

Sounds like you could really use a good T & learn & get a chance to practice all those skills your family wasn't capable of teaching you as a child....the things that are the common sense skills we all need to function in a reasonable way.

Most people aren't taught these skills.....mostly because almost every family is dysfunctional in one way of another....but we end up messed up later on in our life because of it....but the mind is always capable of change when we finally learn & practice ways that are acceptable.

The emotions you describe are normal from all you have gone through.....but normal doesn't mean healthy....it's just that others would end up with similar problems given if they went through similar experiences as you have.

I found good therapy where they offered DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy).....it was initially designed for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) but in fact.....most people in this world could benefit by learning the skills taught in DBT.

Strongly suggest for your well being & for your marriage's well being that you do get into therapy & process all these things that you have mentioned here along with learning skills to get you through the rough emotional times.