What a mess I have created here... again

Well, the cycle has now been completed. I have done it again , except this time, the escalation was much more palpable and, therefore, much more damage done.

I cannot leave things as they stand. It will eat me up inside forever if I do not acknowledge my responsibilities for the messes I (unfortunately and continually) make - here and everywhere else.

I came to this site looking for acceptance and understanding and maybe even friendships with those who share the very same interests I have; something I so desperately lack in my real life. Yet, what I have created here is the exact same situations with the exact same consequences as I experience in my real life.
What is so ironic is that when I am here, I keep thinking I am being more aware of my behaviours than I would otherwise be "out there." But that really isn't the case, is it?

I wasn't even close to awareness. I can't even say I was in the same universe as awareness!

I have been shown my true colours here, and they are not the crisp, bright and elegant colours that I would have preferred people to see. They are ugly colours; mottled and dark, and so visually distasteful, it makes one want to look away, and I blame no one but myself (me, I mean - just in case..)

So, here it is, in black and white (which is how I interpret most things) is what I do:

When I meet new people, I try so hard to come across as charming and intelligent, warm and witty. Aside from all of this, the one thing I strive for the most is honesty. Yet I never seem to realize that being so honest also comes with the full force of the emotions I feel, whether or not my interpretation of events is correct (and let's face it, my interpretations don't seem to be anywhere near reality - it's probably out there with my "awareness.")

I seek attention. Yet when I have it, it goes straight to my head. My subconscious must know this as I secretly begin to panic because I know the all-too-familiar love that I and others have of taking out those with large egos (and which is probably justifiable, at times). There is nothing like a swift and brutal kick of "real" reality to humble (and humiliate) one who has put themselves atop the "invisible pedestal" that is present in every community, without warrant or consent.

Yet, even "knowing" this, I cannot seem to "see" it unfolding, even when it shows itself so blatantly. I guess I am just so self-involved in trying to project myself as being viewed one way, the other view is what actually gets projected because of the extremeness of my reactions to everything. There ain't nothing subtle about my personality, unfortunately.

A long-time therapist of mine described me as being "a thousand-watt lightbulb in a hundred-watt world." I always remembered that because it explained in one simple statement, my real essence. Not the one I think I am putting forth - the one I aspire to be shown. It is by way of my over-reactions that show my true colours - you know, the ugly, dark ones.

As I sit here contemplating this, I have to also wonder: who do I think I am to be dispensing advice and trying to relate when I can't possibly tell from what directiion (or perspective) either I or anyone is coming from? Who am I kidding here, except myself? I only see from one perspective - my own. And that perspective is just not reality.

I don't think I am stable enough to present myself here. I also don't think I have the emotional strength it takes to read the feedback I receive from my posts, especially those that do not agree or have, what I perceive as, undertones of judgement. Funny, I can dish it out...

So, in light of all this, what do I do? From where do I begin again? Should I even begin again at all? Who knows, maybe it is too late this time, and if it is, then maybe it is for the best anyway.

But before I do anything, I must make amends to those whom I have triggered and to those whom I have outright offended.

To all of you , I offer my sincerest apologies, again. I am truly sorry.

Altered State

PLEASE, NO COMMENTS. I WISH THIS APOLOGY TO STAND JUST AS IT IS - OUT THERE - WITH NO EXCUSES TO ALLOW MYSELF TO MANEUVER OUT OF REALITY. Thanks

<font color="red"> ((((((( HUGS )))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))) </font>

AS, I refrained from responding when I first read your post because you asked for no responses. But...

Apology accepted and the hand of friendship extended. I understand.

I know you requested no comments AS, which is why I edited my earlier post. I mean no disrespect with my reply here... as we have never had negative words I hope you don't feel any disrespect from me (I certainly don't feel it, however, I too, make mistakes, endlessly, it seems sigh)

Thanks from me for putting yourself out there though. That takes strength and courage, in my book.... to examine your "patterns"... we ALL have them imo . I think that more people relate to at least some of this than you may realise, including me,

I would also like to apologize to anyone I have EVER hurt here. I truly hate hurting people (and I also hate being hurt.... who doesn't ..)

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AlteredState01 said:
PLEASE, NO COMMENTS. I WISH THIS APOLOGY TO STAND JUST AS IT IS - OUT THERE - WITH NO EXCUSES TO ALLOW MYSELF TO MANEUVER OUT OF REALITY. Thanks

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Please everyone...... let us RESPECT the wishes of the poster.... No Comment (of words).


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( )))

Yeah I know. I got it wrong, again.

Sorry AS

I agree... no more comments.

My "no comment" comment is: if you can figure out how we can help you through this, let us here at PC know, ok?

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