[vegasliving18]

I am not sure where to begin and I really do not want to make this long. But first, a disclaimer- please keep this in mind.
I am CURRENTLY seeing a Psychiatrist and am on Medication (bupropion XL 300mg and Ativan .5 as needed (I rarely take the Ativan. On average, once a week; sometimes twice a week and sometimes never- I am well aware of the benefits AND the potential dangers of this drug)). She has diagnosed me with Panic Disorder, Severe Depression, and GAD.
I don’t agree with this diagnosis (the panic disorder one), and believe I am suffering more from Borderline Personality Disorder.
I always feel very emotionless. Unless it is anger, irritation or sadness, I seem to be able to feel those. Sometimes I feel so “unreal” I do not even feel the things I am physically touching with my hands. Like I do not exist, or that I am in a movie. It is a very weird feeling- kind of like myself and the world are “made up”. I KNOW I love my family and my boyfriend, but I do not FEEL love for them. I do not feel anything for people, except guilt. I feel guilty for people, and I try to buy every homeless person I meet a hot meal.
I don’t want to do things. I have no passions. I have no hobbies. I have no interests. I have no friends (I mean, I have two very close friends- but I even disconnect from them). I cannot “connect” with people anymore. Anyone. At all. I always think people hate me, are lying to me about everything, and I can get pretty damn mean.I used to be so social and loved being the center of attetion- now I really don't want to socialize (but I am not scared of it).
I wonder about dying and suicide. I think it’s just a fascination with death, honestly. I think about suicide, how it would feel, if people would be sad, how weird it would be that everyone else’s life would move on without me. But I do not WANT to die, and I don’t feel like I would ever do it. I just wonder about it and am curious about suicide. But I also am curious about murders and things like that. I need to say, I am NOT planning on hurting/ever wanting to hurt people. Like I said, it’s more like a curiosity- what is it like to be shot by someone? What is it like to shoot someone? What is it like to shoot myself?
I worry about having every mental/physical disease in the book. If my house creaks and my boyfriend does not hear it, I automatically convince myself I am schizophrenic and am hearing things. If I am feeling unusually chipper, I convince myself I am bi-polar. My heart is beating too fast- cardiac arrest. I have had multiple normal EKG’s and cannot convince myself I am okay. I am scared of all sorts of medications, and refuse to mix any medications period at all. If I take Tylenol, I cannot take ANYTING else until it is completely out of my system (I just suffered through a cold because of this).
I zone out. HARD. Most of the time I snap out of a daydream, and did not even realize I had been daydreaming. It happens all the time- in the middle of conversations, watching TV, in the shower… I find it hard to read books because I cannot focus on them anymore. I end up in la-la land. And the zone outs are TOTALLY weird and random. Almost like dreams- people flying, situations that would never happen, etc.
I come from a long family history of mental illness/cardiac illness, including multiple suicides and heart attacks. I don’t want to worry anymore… I want to be normal. I want to feel like I LIVE inside my body, like I own myself. Instead I just feel like a body… Not like I am occupying one. I want to feel love again. I am not in an abusive relationship, I have a great job, own my own house, have pets (I am a 24 year old female).
Can anyone offer some insight? I have been discussing these with my Psychiatrist… My therapist just up and left, so I need to find a new one. Am I alone? I am scared to discuss the suicide and murder with my pdoc, I don’t want her to think I am, well, crazy.
Anyway, I am "normal". I function daily, have no issues at work, am able to function socially, and have no social anxiety at all.

[Canyon]

I just wanted to say that I can relate to so much of what you are saying in this. I have had most of the same feelings and thoughts at different times.

I wish I could give you some good insight. I will say that I don't think you are totally alone. You did mention a boyfriend. I hope he is supportive.

[SeekerOfLife]

Hi. Try to get back into therapy as soon as you can. A good therapist can help so much. You also sound depressed. I know how that is too. If I have sui thoughts my therapist picks up on it, and she will question me very specifically as to how serious my thoughts are. Whew! What a relief to know someone cares enough to ask. Blessings.

[avlady]

vegasliving18 Welcome!!!

[too SHy]

I believe most people have these awful thoughts sometimes. I agree with seeker, you must get back into therapy. One small piece of advice: If you express suicidal ideation you will wind up in the mental hospital so fast your head will spin.

[Rand.]

Originally Posted by too SHy

I believe most people have these awful thoughts sometimes. I agree with seeker, you must get back into therapy. One small piece of advice: If you express suicidal ideation you will wind up in the mental hospital so fast your head will spin.

Just want to say that it depends on who you're talking with. I've talked about it many times to both my therapist and nurse case manager with no issues.

vegasliving18: Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It really sounds tough. I think finding a new therapist sounds like a good idea, I wish you all the best

[waggiedog]

Hi there. Umm, not sure about the possibility of BPD. I'm diagnosed BPD and I'm not seeing a strong resemblance here, but I'm not a Psych Dr. I have attempted suicide and I talk off doing this a lot with my mental health team. They simply make light of it all, nobody is in the slightest bit interested, almost as if it would be the best thing to do. Maybe it's just my team who's like this. Or possibily me who's boring people. HUGZZ XXXXXXXX