[scatter_scz]

Sorry for the wall of text!

I received an email from my father expressing concern and encouragement.


Here is a summary of things he was concerned about:

1. I am difficult to communicate with so has no choice but to use email even though we live in the same house.
2. He feels like him and my mother know nothing about me
3. He's notices some changes recently
   • I appear sad all the time (I don't feel sad so I don't know)
   • I eyes look "lost in deep space"
   • I do not want to talk to anyone
   • I have lost interest in activities that I used to like (I haven't noticed that)
   • My eating habits have changed - I don't eat all the things I used to enjoy
   • I am "going into isolation"
4. He has also notice some personality changes that have occurred in the past year or so. He says that my personality has changed drastically. I don't want to interact with people I used to love (I do find them rather annoying now. I don't think I ever really loved them. I just put on the façade. )
5. My sleeping habits cycle between too much sleep and inadequate sleep.
6. He claims that it appears as though "someone else is controlling [my] soul and brain".
7. My decisions are not rational. (Sure I dropped out of grad school and don't try to go back to my field of study or whatever but it's not like I am quitting the job he found for me through his connections. I am going through the motions so I don't know what he is talking about. Maybe he is talking about some other decisions.)
8. I've been very irritable, angry, and volatile.
9. I seem to have lost interest in life.
10. I don't have a goal to work towards. (this is true)
11. I "don't act like a normal person".
12. This is all very difficult on them and is affecting the immensely.

He also said that him and my mother would never abandon me and that I should, or rather, need to, seek help more vigorously than I have in the past and try not to reject it as I have previously.


I have some personal concerns that have caused me to at least visit a professional:

1. Almost complete breakdown of social circles, which doesn't bother me at all, but I recognize as a potential problem
2. Weird transient thought patters.
   • For a few months, I thought it was my duty as a daughter to give my parents "the gift of death". I freaked out over it a while ago but the conclusion makes sense now. Even now, I am kind of not over that and have an active plan but I don't think I'd act on it.
   • For a shorter amount of time, I thought that my coworkers were people on some online forums that I'd never talked to. The is really no basis for that conclusion but I won't be surprised if that did turn out to be the case.
   • For a few minutes, at times, I find myself thinking that maybe the varying intensity caused by cars passing other cars on an intersection is some message in mores code. This short weird thought concludes in, "what the **** are you thinking, you fool! the cars are not relaying some message to you... ****ing idiot."
   • I also find myself thinking that people are conspiring to be nice and helpful to me, which doesn't even make sense because... why.
   • I thought for a while that the psychiatrist I'd been seeing and I had a bet going and that me returning to see him would mean that I've lost the bet. Again, wtf, why would he care. Lol
3. I've been experiencing some very VERY mild disturbances where I'd hear loud/sharp ringing or whispers and get freaked out when I notice changes in light intensities because I think they are like people or owls or some **** for a second or two.
4. I think I am making everything up... like everything I am is a lie. It is as if I am living a fake life to fulfil some purpose that I do not know of yet or have caused myself to forget because that would interfere with the achievement of the evil goal.
5. I often feel that my parents are simply trying to control me by putting me in financial traps such as getting me to buy a new car a few months ago - this one is completely plausible and likely.

I'll be seeing a psychologist in 2.5 weeks to get evaluated and get some therapy. I'd been rather resistant to treatment but my psychiatrist won't see me unless I do therapy now and I guess this email has made me realize how sad I am making my parents. I feel guilty for doing this to them at 24 years of age.

I'd like to get a heads up on what to expect based on the concerns listed above. I feel kind of unhinged and scared. I know the internet is no place for diagnosis but I want to know what's wrong with me, if anything and if I actually need help at all. I want to prepare myself, I guess.

[Bark]

I've been hesitant to reply, but no one else has. I tend to agonize over my replies a bit too much so I don't reply much.

Are you on any medications? Why won't your psychiatrist see you? I understand suggesting therapy, but it sounds almost like blackmail.

You're right, we can't diagnose. How long has this been going on for?

This isn't a diagnosis, but something to look into: going by your age and what you've mentioned, schizophrenia is a possibility. If that is the case (and even if it isn't), the sooner you receive treatment the better, especially considering your other thread. Personally (and I stress that), I think seeing a psychiatrist (maybe even a different one) as soon as possible is more important than seeing a psychologist for therapy. And if you feel you are a danger to yourself or others (as has been discussed on the other thread), please go to the ER. If you aren't on medication now, you most likely will be if you are inpatient. Is that a concern?

[scatter_scz]

Originally Posted by Bark

I've been hesitant to reply, but no one else has. I tend to agonize over my replies a bit too much so I don't reply much.

Are you on any medications? Why won't your psychiatrist see you? I understand suggesting therapy, but it sounds almost like blackmail.

You're right, we can't diagnose. How long has this been going on for?

This isn't a diagnosis, but something to look into: going by your age and what you've mentioned, schizophrenia is a possibility. If that is the case (and even if it isn't), the sooner you receive treatment the better, especially considering your other thread. Personally (and I stress that), I think seeing a psychiatrist (maybe even a different one) as soon as possible is more important than seeing a psychologist for therapy. And if you feel you are a danger to yourself or others (as has been discussed on the other thread), please go to the ER. If you aren't on medication now, you most likely will be if you are inpatient. Is that a concern?

I had been on medication but I am not exactly compliant.

The psychiatrist claims that he can't really diagnose me because I don't give him enough information and he feels that giving me the wrong medication would just make things worse. He's been wanting me to get a fuller evaluation for a few months now so I guess he is using blackmail, which I guess is fine.
Another tid-bit is that he actually runs the schizophrenia clinic at the hospital (lol) and had moved my file to his clinic after interacting with me in the ER a while ago. The psychologist I'll be seeing works at that hospital as well as runs his private practice. The psychiatrist told me that he'd be consulting with the psychologist once I start seeing him as well.

I have wondered about schizophrenia but then I think that if that was really the case, I wouldn't have the insight to wonder about it, you know? Or maybe I would... apparently, I am very intelligent (these people who claim that are actually just too stupid to realize how stupid I am).

I guess the personality changes as indicated by my father occurred over a year or two. The weird thoughts are most recent, I think... like, maybe the last 6-7 months.

As for the other post, I don't really feel concerned about that anymore. I guess, the more time passes, the more I realize that the thought pattern there was completely bogus and designed simply to evade responsibility. I don't pose a threat atm.

Once I see the psychologist, I'll be able to see the psychiatrist again.
To see another one, I'd have to go back to my GP for a referral. I can't do that. There isn't really a reason for that but I can't see my GP. So, I shall wait.

Thank you for your response. I know it's unfair to ask people to give their two cents on things like this on a forum like this. However, I figured that putting it out there won't do any harm as I am sure others have had similar experience.

Once again, thank you for your response on this thread and the other other one. You've been so very helpful.

[Bark]

I can see where he's coming from now. If he hasn't been able to get a clear picture himself, asking for a colleague's input might help.

I'm glad to hear that you don't feel a danger to others for now.

When you're in the middle of full-blown psychosis, you can lack insight. But when symptoms are under control and/or less severe, you can look at your situation more rationally. I don't have any personal experience of psychosis, but I did have a friend (graduate student) who I saw both in the middle of psychosis and as he improved on medication. He was able to see his delusions for what they were as he stabilized. Many intelligent people have schizophrenia (I'm sure some are residents of PC), and I find that people who claim to be stupid actually are more intelligent than they admit. It's the people who boast of their intelligence that you want to watch out for.

I'm glad you've found what I say helpful.

[eskielover]

I am glad to hear that you are going to see a psychologist for more detailed diagnosis......it's hard to give the information that will help a psychiatrist (pdoc) make a thorough & exact diagnosis.....my insurance at the time forced me to go to UCLA's psych hospital for evaluation....they went through a lot of different thoughts before they determined it was major depression reoccurant along with major anxiety that had me so messed up that I had no desire to live.

With the delusional thoughts that you said you had toward giving your parents the "gift of death"......I am glad that you realized those thoughts were delusional.....in reality, we have NO RIGHT to take anyone's life.....& death is definitly NOT A GIFT.....even though we might think so if someone was already dying of cancer....but in reality....we have no right even then to do anything to end their life before it ends on it's own.

No one can Dx here but I'm in agreement with Bark of the possibility you are dealing with some form of schezophrenia.

Like I said in my other reply to you.....going to the point you have in your homocidal plans, what Bark says:

When you're in the middle of full-blown psychosis, you can lack insight. But when symptoms are under control and/or less severe, you can look at your situation more rationally.

is exactly what I was saying.....when you get to the point where you aren't able to think & have the insight (which can happen without you possibly knowing it will hit).....that line between thinking you wouldn't do something & doing it is very fine & without the power of logic to stop yourself.....you would end up being very sorry for your actions.

I know this doesn't sound like something you would want to do, but your parents really have the right to know that you have had these thoughts as they have a right to protect themselves against anything that might happen & being aware, they could take the steps to help you rather than allow you to get yourself into far worse trouble with the law if something were to trigger you to take the action.

Life is always so complicated.

It's the people who boast of their intelligence that you want to watch out for.

Oh Bark...I wish I had watched out for this....my H (who I finally left 6 years ago after 33 years of marriage) was always commenting about how intelligent he was.....but he had no common sense & he definitely wasn't as intelligent as he claimed...only thing he was intelligent in was math....the rest of his life he was dumber than a door nail. I caught it before I got married but stupidly I listened to my mother about how nice he was & how he would grow up....it never happened.......I definitely relate & agree with your warning