[daetjo]

hey everyone, i am a 28 year old portuguese guy.
in 2005 when i was 20 i moved out and went to the navy where i stayed for 3 years, with no problems at all, no homesick, nothing, just good life, i decided to leave the navy in 2008 and one of the reasons was my parents have a little business and i could help and someday manage it myself, but with time i realised it wasnt what i was expecting and working with family isnt a good thing for me, so i decided to apply for the police academy, i was accepted last year and i waited 1 year to be called, all that time i was really looking forward, couldnt wait to get my independence again, have my money and move away from parents house, i am in the academy since 13 january, first week and half were fine, then last friday i started getting anxious and i have trouble sleeping, the moment i try to sleep my heart starts pumping, my body shaking and i cant sleep even if im very tired, now i think about my parents everyday and i have a feeling of guilt, like i abandoned them, i am about 3 hours drive from home and i go every weekend, but while im here i dont feel like eating, talking or laughing, i feel like i want to cry sometimes, every little thing annoys me and i shut myself.
i think my parents are happy that im here, i tell them that i am enjoying it so they dont get worried, i talk to my dad every night on the phone, but sometimes i feel like giving up and go back home because i feel like i am getting depressed, but maybe its just homesickness and it will go away, but its the second time i move out and the first this didnt happen, and i am a 28 year old guy...
i am an only child, i had a sister who died 7 years ago, in 2007, but i dont think thats the reason.
and my life changed almost 100%, new schedules, new rules, everything... so i dont know what to do, i need some advice please, im affraid i might get depressed.

[AnxietyRidden9]

Hi,

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. Can you think of any reason why you feel like you are abandoning your parents? Also, what kind of thoughts go through your mind when you have trouble sleeping? I know you say you feel anxious and afraid, but what exactly is it that you feel anxious about?
Could you tell me if you are living alone?Do you have any roommates or a significant other? I feel like you should speak openly to your dad or at least close friends about the feelings you are having. Do you think your parents would support and understand your dilemma?
Often, we are blind to certain causes and triggers that make us react the way we do. I know you feel like your sister's death has nothing to do with your feelings but I'd like to ask you to reevaluate this idea. What were the circumstances of her death, how did you cope emotionally and how did your parents cope?
I just want to say that its wonderful that you reached out for advice. It is not easy to recognize that you might have some issues and this is a brave step forward.
In the meanwhile, keep analyzing your thoughts. Whenever you are disturbed try to take notice of the kinds of thoughts you're having and try to pin point why you must be having them. Write them down and read through them when you feel calm and collected.

Also, feel free to write to me anytime you want to talk or share. I will be happy to lend a ear!
Take care

[gayleggg]

Have you considered seeing a therapist? I don't know if that is possible considering your job.

[daetjo]

thanks for the replies, i think all the time "what am i doing here? what if my parents need me?", they are 64 and 65 years old, they never had any health problems, but i think to myself that they might need me and im not there, that it might of been an unfair decision of mine to move away.
i rather not talk about it with my dad because he will get worried, i think to myself that this is just a phase, my mind is still at my house and i havent completely moved, but the feeling that i abandoned my parents will stay i think, i know i am 28, old enough to start a life on my own, its a normal thing to do, but still...
i am in a bedroom with 3 other guys, they are always happy and singing, etc, 1 of them kind of annoys me because he talks too loud and he has a strong accent wich i think is a bit annoying, after classes instead of coming to the bedroom i stay outside for a while alone, because i am a quiet person and i like my space, and i like to be alone, and this is a mess.
the training is 9 months, after that i will move a bit closer to my parents, about 2:30 hours away, i have to stay there for maybe 4 or 5 years till i get to move really close to my parents house.
i hope this is really just a phase, im going home tomorrow for the weekend, but the week, at least the one i just went through was hell, thinking about everything and the feeling of anxiety on my chest, i was able to sleep better last night and the night before, but during the day i am pretty much anxious and thinking about my parents...
and again, thanks for the replies.