These memories. Make me sad.

The day before I was released from inpatient, the fourth time in five years. My therapist had given my a survey on reasons that I had for not killing myself. The sweetest therapist I think I've ever had. So caring. Actually listened.
She asked me some questions and I half-heartedly answered. My mind was almost entirely elsewhere. Then came the question. The one that didn't get answered. Wondering why I wasn't responding, she looked over. My hair had been my protection, but the silence screamed louder. She pulled back my hair. My face had become a waterfall. My shirt and my jeans were soaked.
"My goodness, what's wrong dear?"
sniff. pause. sob. "What if I go back. and nothing is different?"
We did talk. But it ended as it always did. Because the meetings. The other places she had to be. That is what never ended.

I'm so thankful that things really are different. Things are not the same as they were before. But... Sometimes I wonder. When I'm feeling that way, now. Who is going to be the one to pull back my hair and say "My goodness, what's wrong dear?"

I know. I know... Closed mouths don't get fed.

But, I just don't understand. Why does this memory makes me so sad?

it seems to me like this was an eye opening experience for you...

it opened your eyes to the fact your life desperately needed to change in some fashion a lot like mine is going right now ironically. But most of the time when we come to these conclusions they come in very blunt and hard ways.They can be heart flatteringly sad, or violent even.

But most of the time when they do happen they need to happen.

they usually will have strong emotion attached to them because of their significance in our lives.

Hi, it sounded like a real connection for you at a time you were feeling really vulnerable, down, and at one of those times you most needed someone to care/be there for you/listen. And things as important as that don't just go away/leave you.
But that is the kind of experience you can sometimes take something really positive with you from. There are going to be people in the world who care and can see you as you/for you, and if you can just allow yourself to let them in (even just a bit!!) you can be really surprised.
And it is OK to be at your most vulnerable with some people and allow them to be there for you. It can be SO much better than facing things alone.

Separately, if you are feeling really bad at any time, no-one there, you know you can pull on that experience in extending that caring reaction from yourself to yourself. You can sometimes be the one to empathize with, identify how you're feeling and offer yourself that hand of "comfort"/caring and maybe encourage in yourself that "self-healing".
Your therapist clearly showed she cared about you when it really mattered, and you can maybe care about you too when you really need it.

But, yes, try to take the positive away with you and allow yourself comfort in your experience. Sometimes people CAN be amazing!!
And, WELL DONE YOU on making it to where you are!!
Best wishes
Alison




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Wow. Thank you. I really needed to hear that!