[lovingone10]

I am a 26 year old male. I will explain my current situation, then back track.

Currently I am a software developer. Been employed at a few different places and have been doing this for quite some time. Current salary is 125k per year + bonus depending. I used to love computers and everything about them. I used to love learning new languages, and expressing myself with them. I think programming shaped a way of thinking that I use every day. There is problems that need to be resolved, and different ways of fixing them. I really have enjoyed it. Lately I have been not enjoying it at all, and the computer screen just makes me get depressed(for work). Now to back track. I went to private schools my entire life, from k-10. In the 10th grade I was removed from the private school and put into a public school. I failed two classes, and they just can't tolerate that. One was religion actually, which is quite funny because any private schooler knows that it's one of the easiest subjects! My attendance became quite horrible, but I really hated that school. I was very mistreated by some of the kids, and things would happen like (people break into my locker) and I get blamed. I remember the principle just going A wall at me so many times, and I would be thinking, what did I do? Another instance was, some guy 2 grades above broke up with his girlfriend, and he got mad in the bathroom, and pushed me to the ground to get out of his way, I then proceeded to pick up a broom to defend myself if I was struck again, and I almost got blamed for attacking with a weapon, it was nuts. The guy was a popular football player as well, this didn't help me.

Getting thrown out of that school was the most traumatic experience I've ever had. Everyone I grew up with was in that school(many others as well). At the same time it was a quite abusive situation. Even to this day, I really felt the faculty did me wrong there.

Fast forward junior year, I went from 5'7 to 5'11 over that summer. This new school was huge. 2,500 kids+. I knew a few people there, and it was quite different. My new friends were all basketball players and quite popular. In a large school like that, you have many popular groups, but this was for sure, the most "popular" if that makes any sense. Over that summer, I hit the gym hard as well. I became quite "built" in my junior year and loved it. It was quite different, I was somewhat popular by association, and not to say people were "scared" but I was never picked on at that school. To be honest, the large size of the school made it so in a way, it almost felt like a community college or something and people didn't quite pick on each other (from what I could see). The last school was 150 kids per class, and everyone knew each other. I always thought of that as , familiarity breeds contempt. In all reality, I have nothing against anyone, it was just kids being kids, the faculty at the old school was to blame for their handling.

Junior year was all A's until about January, I then decided for some unknown reasons that I didn't want to goto school much anymore. Alot of this is attributed to me staying up to 3am programming when I had to wake up for school at 6am. I became addicted to programming back then, it's all I wanted to do. Junior year I ended up failing 4 out of the 7 classes per semester. So, shame on me there, but still enough room to fix.

Senior year, I was still addicted to programming. By this time I started to make some money, and I stayed home more and more. I probably almost put my parents through an emotional breakdown here. Now the computer and a programming editor is where I felt accomplished, I felt a rush every time I completed a task. This is quite common in programming and is why there is so many hobbyist. Needless to say, I pretty much failed half my classes that year as well. I needed 20 credits to graduate, I think I had 17. One was a career class funny enough, where all you had to do was show up. Really all the classes were that way. Only thing you would actually have to learn process to was Math, the rest if you just show up, you were good. Interesting enough, Math was my favorite course, I would always goto my 7th period math class. Many days I wouldn't come to school, I would still show up to 6-8th periods so I could goto math. Teacher was great too, she really liked me.

Needless to say, at the end of the school year, I didn't really feel like I "failed", I never was like "oh I drop out!" or anything like that, I never felt like any of the failures in the classes I didn't goto affected me? Or maybe it did and I just told myself it didn't. I can pretty much honestly say though, I felt really no sadness or disappointment from that in itself. Some of the other kids who didn't graduate were crying, and you know, the school drug addicts mostly, or just the bad kids might be a better way of putting it.

After this, my parents moved, and when they did, there was a new school. I never resumed my studies there, I didn't know a single person and again, I really didn't know why I had to do it? What was I missing? Best of all, I had programming! I could code in Python all day, or Ruby all night. I could open up vim( a program) and code all my C code to perfection. This marks the end of my schooling career.

Most programming jobs a college degree is not a requirement, so I have no issue there. Even the ones that do, calling the head of the department you want to work in, expressing your interest to them. They will call H&R and tell them to "overlook" that requirement. Even if they don't have that requirement, I still call. Half the time, I will just get the email of that head of the department, send them my resume, and they forward it to H&R. This works so well.

Summer of 2008, I went on so many job interviews, and got awarded quite a few of them. Maybe out of 10 or so I would close 6. I wouldn't take them, I was treating it somewhat like a game. I found it somewhat fun. It became easy for me to build trust with these decision makers. They would bring in other tech people to "question" me, and I would strike up conversation about old programming languages (if they were over 40). I learned from this, the traditional way of getting a job. Giving your resume to H&R and "hoping for a return" was a complete thing of the past.

I believe those principles work for just about any job as well, some more than others. I just hate the fact I'm going to get thrown in a pool of 200 other people, and I just have to wait to hopefully be picked out of that someday. Some people might say I try to trick the system, go about it in unconventional ways. You can get very creative in the ways you attract attention I've found.

I never took working seriously either, between 2006-2010 I probably had 5 or so actual programming jobs, and I would do it for a month or two, then quit.

In 2011 I accepted a senior position as a programmer, and that is the position I have now. The people are great, and they seem to love their jobs much more than me. I actually still live with my parents. They're so loving, almost maybe to a point where it's bad. My savings are pretty good as I don't spend that much.

But I have a huge problem. I feel so empty, lost and disoriented. The last few days, just randomly I've been breaking down crying. I have no reason to explain it, except for when it happens, I feel like a straight failure. I'm pretty sure this all stems from not completing high school. Then just as strong is the pain of not having a bachelors in computer science. You know even through my ignorance in later high school. I think education is the single best component of our natural life. I've read over 50 programming books maybe more. I think without education, life can be very unrewarding. I'm probably a bigger education activist than many with PhD's. I truly believe education is just so great. Many computer science people play down an education, "it's not all that important". Or the classic, "do it if you want too".

I can't not even explain how much it hurts by not having one. It's a burning feeling. If I had one, it would never even really do me any good. Without moving to silicon valley, getting above 125k is going to be very difficult, that's the "ceiling" for good programmers these days. The degree really won't help my career , but it surely wouldn't hurt it.

So why do I have this pain?

The same activity which gives me revenue now, is what has taken away a chunk of my life, such a devil in disguise in a way. Or maybe I’m to blame for not knowing how to control it?

I’m glad I’m realizing all of this now, it’s just I don’t know what to do. Goto college and make that burn go away? Or maybe the burn will still be there because “I should have completed this at 22” would still be in my ear or something. Continue working and saving or do both at the same time?

I know it sounds like my life is a mess, but I hide it so well though. Only by myself do I let my true emotions show.

How do I go about making clear decisions, should I base them on what someone else would do? Should I base them on what I want to do? Quitting my job seems like a horrible idea to many, but it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to me. Then again, living off savings is never fun.

I know I have some problems, I’m just not sure which ones. Can anyone help and give me any insight or any advice on how I should be thinking and planning my future?

I really appreciate it

Thank you

[Webgoji]

125K per year!? That's over 4 times my salary and I have degrees in chemistry and chemical engineering.

What is sounds like to me is you're brilliant. In your past, when you had to step into public school you got bored quickly. It may not have felt that way, but is part of the reason you just didn't care. It was too easy.

Now, it sounds like you're falling into that same funk. You're too smart for what you're doing so it's pulling you down.

At least, that's what it sounds like to me. I don't think getting your degree or anything will make much difference for a while unless you're talking PhD or something. I would suggest taking this to a therapist and talking through it. Find out the real root of your issues.

But trust me, that degree doesn't mean anything ... obviously.

[TheWell]

It sounds to me like your problem isn't your job or your life it's depression. There is no reason why an adult making 125k a year should be living at home with his parent unless he is depressed and can't get motivated to move out and make a life of his own.

I recommend making an appointment with a therapist and a psychiatrist. The therapist to talk to because I don't think a college education is going to solve anything and a psychiatrist for antidepressants to help motivate you to start living your life.

All of your issues in high school sound like you went through depression and gave up.

Don't give up, get help and get better.

[lovingone10]

Thanks for the kinds words, but just an example here. 125k per year is decent good money in the big picture of things, no doubt about it. Technology is a crazy world, companies are valued at 10 billion and all the founders make out with a few billion each all the time. At the same time though, the company hasn't sold one product or service, just has the "potential", either users, or information (analytical data to be sold).

Link removed because of post count, "java spring mvc jobs" was the example I was using here, Triad Group was the company.

Here is a recruitment company. This is 80-85 an hour, they are most likely charging 150 an hour. You can up that to 100 most likely, possibly 110. Now this is w2 so might be a little more tough. Call the recruiter, express great interest, do research on him first. If he's from Brazil keep that in mind. If he likes hershey chocolate bars, keep that in mind. Then they will present you to the company, the companies usually will take leads from recruitment firms faster than they will internal H&R, even though they say they won't.

If you find out the company(which many recruitment firms keep under wraps actually), you call that same H&R department do the same thing. Then call the person who is a manger of the department you are getting into, do the same thing. Now you got three people who know who you are in this case. Have a great phone interview & in person. By the end of that if everything goes well, you can make a 65 percent assumption that you have the job.

Hence why I said, I cheat? I mean maybe this isn't "cheating" but its not apply with H&R and get put into a pool of people and they pick the most qualified from a list of resumes. I wouldn't last 5 minutes in that, there is just too many people with degrees. Now maybe there could be alot without too, I don't know, but I never even tried this route. Also asking about salary information before the end of the interview always helps, or when they offer you a salary, ask them if it's any more flexible, this automatically makes them think you are very qualified.

Of course this has all been learned from years in this industry, but sometimes I just want to be "normal". Be able to put my resume in a pile of others, and maybe have someone say "this looks good". I just feel the lack of an education section, puts me at a serious disadvantage in that situation.

Maybe I just know how to work the system to better my odds, I dont know. In all my years of schooling I can honestly say one thing, I never did cheat, not even once. I remember kids were passing around cheat sheets for a test, it came to me, I just passed it on, as I just thought it was "wrong". I think the class was spanish if I recall ,but regardless, I never cheated.

My salary doesn't equate with being successful. As stupid as that sounds, I just still feel so empty.

A therapist would really help.

[Nammu]

I too would recommend a therapist as a way to explore what the pain is about. What is it you want from college? Connections or new challenges? Perhaps that is one of the areas you could explore.

[CaptainChaos79]

Do u have a life outside of your job? If not seek one out. It might help.

[(JD)]

Hi. You have an old mindset... today people aren't worried about college degrees much and the government is pushing tech schools instead... I won't go into why I think they are doing that.. but why not "just" go get your GED?

If you wish to go further, see if you can CLEP or test out of college courses that have information you already know? Some colleges charge the full tuition rate, but you won't have to attend class and waste your time with ignorant professors.

But you can always take certification programs instead too...if you need that wall paper (and I agree, it's nice to have to show for a boost in job at times).

I think you were bored in school...and only wanted to study one subject... You know Einstein has issues with some subjects too? (And he only had about 5 hours a day where he could think like a genius!)

Anyway... go get the GED and then you can see where you wish to go from there... I mean, man, it's a test you can probably pass...or buy the book and learn the answers....

Don't base your whole life's future on the garbage from the past. We all were growing up and learning how to live then...more often than not we learned from our mistakes! Today is a new day...and so is tomorrow...what would you like to do with it? Go for it!

[lovingone10]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

125K per year!? That's over 4 times my salary and I have degrees in chemistry and chemical engineering.

What is sounds like to me is you're brilliant. In your past, when you had to step into public school you got bored quickly. It may not have felt that way, but is part of the reason you just didn't care. It was too easy.

Now, it sounds like you're falling into that same funk. You're too smart for what you're doing so it's pulling you down.

At least, that's what it sounds like to me. I don't think getting your degree or anything will make much difference for a while unless you're talking PhD or something. I would suggest taking this to a therapist and talking through it. Find out the real root of your issues.

But trust me, that degree doesn't mean anything ... obviously.

The comment below also kept talking about this "deeper pain". You kinda hit the nail on the head a bit. This whole thing spurred from a young female in which I know. She got a new job a few weeks ago and she was talking about it etc. They require a degree for her position, and she's like, how in the world you expect to get a new job if you don't have a degree? As mentioned, tech hiring is something quite easy for me, but she's right, they would never pick me for her job. I actually care for this person, I see her a few times a week. She seems so happy and educated, or maybe the word is polished? Then my mind just went nuts, I just looked at that as more of a trigger than anything not the "deep down reason".

This other female that liked me quite a bit. She is 31, getting her masters and works for a bank, very smart female as well. I felt a little intimidated by her, but extremely proud and happy of her accomplishments.

Don't get me wrong, computer science isn't all that easy either. Takes quite a bit of time to understand everything.

I'm not sure if that's a deeper pain, or I haven't found it yet. It could very well be, my entire life I thought college was the way to go, and I just didn't do it because of my obsession with computer science in general.

[lovingone10]

I'm starting to think clearer today.

Getting a high school diploma as an adult is time consuming. Half the programs try to just seem like make money off you. Looks like community colleges have programs for it, but they're like 5 months. I might just go the GED route, i'm already 26 anyways, I don't think it matters much. Paying 6k and a year for a HS diploma doesn't seem like the right move either. Looks like anyone over 22-24 they try to really sell you so many services. I would rather spend 5 months getting actual college credits.

I've been starting a consulting company on the side from work. It's really starting to take off as well. I got my first 3 sales, and they're all decent sized projects. I'm quite excited to say the least. Depending on the size of the project, 3-5 projects a month would essentially double my salary after all expenses.

Maybe I'm over doing it how bad "things" are. I will never be able to go back and fix my past thus far though, maybe that was the biggest realization. Then again, I'm like, even if I get a PhD people would still look at me as being stupid for not getting a HS Diploma at the time I needed to.

Maybe that huge inferiority complex is where my pride lies and where it effects me so much mentally. Hopefully this devil mentality will leave me once and for good.

I really appreciate the help guys. Truly means alot!

[hvert]

Sometimes it feels like the tech industry eats people alive and spits them out.

I was going to suggest starting your own company until I saw that you already had! That sounds like a great new challenge -- and when you get bored with it, you can sell it and move on to something new.

I also don't think it's unusual to get bored in a couple years at a programming job. Most of the successful programmers I know stick with a place for a couple of years max and then move on to something new (in tech hubs - it's different in other places with fewer programming jobs).

Have you ever read any of Barbara Sher's stuff on 'Scanners'? You might find some of that stuff interesting. It made me feel better about getting bored with things.

You could probably get your GED and a degree in your sleep, so I don't see any reason not to go for it. Those pieces of paper do make a difference when it comes to scoring interviews 'cold.' It's nice insurance to have -- makes you feel better about taking time off to live off savings

You may be able to find a program that combines grad and undergrad, which would 'cover up' the timing of your degree. There was a guy in his 50s in my grad program who did that.

I really, really, really don't think anyone would notice the dates of your degrees in a negative way. You took some time off from school to work. There's nothing wrong with that at all. If you have your BA or BS, no one will question whether or not you have a HS diploma.

Can you take a few college courses without enrolling to see if it's something you want to do? Our state university system lets people take 4 courses without registering.

[lovingone10]

Originally Posted by hvert

Sometimes it feels like the tech industry eats people alive and spits them out.

I was going to suggest starting your own company until I saw that you already had! That sounds like a great new challenge -- and when you get bored with it, you can sell it and move on to something new.

I also don't think it's unusual to get bored in a couple years at a programming job. Most of the successful programmers I know stick with a place for a couple of years max and then move on to something new (in tech hubs - it's different in other places with fewer programming jobs).

Have you ever read any of Barbara Sher's stuff on 'Scanners'? You might find some of that stuff interesting. It made me feel better about getting bored with things.

You could probably get your GED and a degree in your sleep, so I don't see any reason not to go for it. Those pieces of paper do make a difference when it comes to scoring interviews 'cold.' It's nice insurance to have -- makes you feel better about taking time off to live off savings

You may be able to find a program that combines grad and undergrad, which would 'cover up' the timing of your degree. There was a guy in his 50s in my grad program who did that.

I really, really, really don't think anyone would notice the dates of your degrees in a negative way. You took some time off from school to work. There's nothing wrong with that at all. If you have your BA or BS, no one will question whether or not you have a HS diploma.

Can you take a few college courses without enrolling to see if it's something you want to do? Our state university system lets people take 4 courses without registering.

The tech industry is the most forgiving and unforgiving industry there is. There is no way I could get paid this kind of money with no degree in any other industry. Now many people do get lost in the fringe but that could go for any fast moving niche really. One of the biggest companies I worked for back in 2007 no longer exist and neither do most of their competitors. Most of them sold / merged / rebranded after selling etc. You got a few year window here, and you just make your millions, then its over.

I make a joke at work all the time, we are doing nothing but creating outdated software, in 10 years this still will be a joke. It's funny sometimes just to go back to 2003 and see how I used to do things, the internet was much more simple. All the enterprise stacks were 1/5th of the size they are now, there was hardly any real client side interaction, not to mention a mobile experience.

I absolutely hate the notion of going for an interview "cold", I'm sorry, I just can't live without that "house edge". That's why I say I'm a "cheater", just to be another name with a resume, and to go in there and try to impress managers in an uphill battle? No way hate it. I've done that a few times and was hired once, didn't like it one bit though, not one bit. A little psychology goes a long way in the hiring process, even if they just heard your name before the interview from another colleague it can change everything.

At tech fairs and conventions, the annoying recruiters that everyone hates? Those are the ones I suck up too, I know they have the H&R department on speed dial, and I know they have probably the manager of the department on speed dial. They just want to sell me, almost like a "slave" in a sense, but their opinion is priceless to a tech manager no matter how everyone says "oh how I hate recruiters".

Plus I know many rare things with very low usage, you would be surprised how many developers who are really good at Ruby never went to college etc, and many times they are top tier pay wise. Things like SAP, hell, they're just happy you know it, since it's quite rare to find unemployed dev's for too long.

This is going to sound horrible, but the idea of a GED almost makes me feel like I accepted failure as well. I really don't look at my high school as I "dropped" out, I never said one day I quit. It's just due to transferring schools and me failing some classes during that depressing moment, and then i was switched schools again due to an address change, I was already 18 and just like "forget this" you know, hard to explain. I really at the time didn't look at it as "dropping out". Looking back on it, I guess it's the same thing, but perspective I guess is key. When I think of how depressed I was back then even compared to now, it just makes me cringe, I was so unhappy.

I could have changed things and turned everything around, but that depression just had a lock on me, it wouldn't let go. I had a few girls who really liked me, and 2 of them were ones I liked too, but my feelings were already so crushed, I couldn't possibly do anything about it. I felt pretty emotionless back then. I kept it from my parents pretty well too. My mother was quite upset, 10k a year in tuition spent for 12 years and this is what she got as thanks? A son who can't even get out of bed. That's something I can never change though.

Funny thing is, I loved academics back then as crazy as it sounds. I loved getting good grades, I liked the feeling. I never found it difficult either, my issue was seriously attendance. Even today when I get depressed, when I do get out of the bed I just want to do scheme. Something about scheme just seems to make me "feel good". Maybe it's the pureness of it, the simplistic way in which it works but with complexity also at your finger tips.

Everyone has a vice I guess, and it's safe to say mine is a tendency to get depression and let it affect me. I think I've been blessed with healthy genes, but that might be one thing that got me. I know everyone gets depressed, and I'm sure so many have to deal with it. That hold it takes on you though is strong sometimes, almost like it's an external force.

I guess I will do the college thing. I will go year round, the idea of taking off summers is just not realistic to me. I will CLEP out of 30 credits or so, or as many as they allow (which I think is 30 for this specific place). Then just stack up 18 or so credit hours per semester and knock it out quick.

Honestly though, I think I'm nearing the end of my work life where I will need to work for anyone else. Even owning a very small small firm which does 200k a year is more profitable than any full time job. I guess many people realize this, hence why there is so many firms.

The degree is more or less because I feel let the education system "down", I guess that's the best way to put it, and I would like to make up for it. Maybe that is the wrong reason to go though.

[lovingone10]

Signed the lease for an apartment today.

Really nice place, downtown, quite modern. The feeling of having some bills will give me some more purpose. Not like I ever wanted to loose my job, but if something did happen, I don't think I would have been too depressed. Almost feels like I've been just saving up allowance money.

Now though, I can see how it's a definite different story.