[eina]

I hope this is an okay place to post this, I have no idea what category this could fall under because I don't know what it is.

What kind of episode is this? I have no formal diagnosis besides depression and anxiety, but I've been told I have (and told I don't have) bipolar 2, BPD, and schizoaffective. I also have chronic derealization and depersonalization. I'm not on any medication and am between therapists (again).

Every so often, maybe once a month or so, I go into this odd state. I kind of emotionally flatline- I don't feel anything, I don't respond to anything, I have flat affect in conversation (of which there is very little) and my facial features feel like they're made of stone. If I attempt to smile it feels unnatural and strange. I also don't make eye contact at all. I am antisocial and hate being around anyone, I don't even want them to look at me. I can't stand being touched. I feel heavy and like I'm moving extremely slowly and mostly just lay in bed on my computer.

I also dissociate very strongly and my perception of the world gets strange. This is one of those things that has symptoms that are really hard to explain, but I'll do my best. During these episodes I generally get obsessed with a motif- almost always stars and space or ghosts and graves, sometimes dark water. It's always something cold, distant, death-related. I will feel like I'm floating in space, or buried alive, or submerged in water. These are all phobias of mine, but during this time they have this disturbing sense of comfort to them. I generally mostly believe that I am dead. This sometimes leads to self harm, other times it staves it off because I'm already dead, what more can I do?

I usually have a very hard time believing the people talking to me are real. I often have a perception that I am a ghost, that my feet don't really touch the ground, that people look right through me, that my body is hollow and full of outer space and stars, that the room I'm in is the only thing in existence and everything outside is just empty space. The actual world will look even more distant and distorted than usual, which only makes it easier to believe what my brain feels. Everything feels wrong and untrue. I have brief moments where I blank out, so I'll end up holding something and not remember picking it up, or not remember standing up or opening a door. I also can just sit and zone out for a good period of time.

I am always aware that this is happening, there's always a tiny grip on reality somewhere, even if I can't see it. I often can tell that it's going to happen in the days leading up to it but there's never any specific trigger- although sometimes it happens after a stressful week. It will last anywhere from about 12 hours to 3 days and it takes me at least a week after to get back to a more normal headspace.

The psychologist who told me I had schizoaffective said she believed I went into catatonic psychosis at times, but I was under the impression that when you're in a psychosis you generally don't realize it. I recognize that you are not doctors and I will bring this up the next time I see someone, but I'm at the tail end of one of these episodes now and I am looking for ideas. Thank you.

[Victoria'smom]

Every so often, maybe once a month or so, I go into this odd state. I kind of emotionally flatline- I don't feel anything, I don't respond to anything, I have flat affect in conversation (of which there is very little) and my facial features feel like they're made of stone. If I attempt to smile it feels unnatural and strange. I also don't make eye contact at all. I am antisocial and hate being around anyone, I don't even want them to look at me. I can't stand being touched. I feel heavy and like I'm moving extremely slowly and mostly just lay in bed on my computer.

These are all phobias of mine, but during this time they have this disturbing sense of comfort to them. I generally mostly believe that I am dead. This sometimes leads to self harm, other times it staves it off because I'm already dead, what more can I do?

I'm told these are depression related.

Anxiety and depression can lead to depersonalization and dissociation.

[pegasus]

Hello eina,

That sense of loss of reality sounds very much like dissociation/depersonalization and can be part of depression. These are things that happen when we are distressed, so it would be good for you to try and work out the triggers for this. Please share with your therapist also.

[Rose76]

I think the real key to most mental distress can be found in how we interact (or don't) with others. I notice you make no mention of that. You may be spending too much time inside your own head, due to lack of social connection. Even people who are schizoaffective need human warmth in their lives. So do people who are prone to psychotic episodes. Contact with therapists and doctors is no substitute for having contact with loved ones. In a way, contact with professionals is the most artificial kind of social contact that there is. It does not, and cannot, make up for lack of meaningful relationships.

If the professionals are not addressing this issue with you, then they are wasting your time. Simple depression can bring on just about everything you describe. Or you may warrant other diagnoses, besides depression. Don't get too bogged down on what label to put on all this. The real question is what to do about how you are feeling. That's what the professionals should be focusing on.

You sound intelligent, and a bright mind can go to a lot of weird places when it is not occupied with meaningful engagement in life - with other people and with something constructive to do. It's good that you are observant in such a well organized way (which, by the way, is not typical of psychotic people.) It may be time to start analyzing your life, instead of your mind. I get the impression that you have the capacity for a much more rewarding life than you are experiencing.

When a bright mind does not have something of interest to focus on, it starts to focus on itself in a way that I describe as sort of like cannibalizing yourself. You chew on yourself because you have nothing else to sink your teeth into. That's my theory, anyway, for whatever it might be worth. I've had these diagnoses of BP II and BPD suggested and retracted over and over again. I don't know if they are right or wrong, but I do know what kind of circumstances lead to me feeling better, or worse. I'll bet you do too. Give it some thought.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by eina

I hope this is an okay place to post this, I have no idea what category this could fall under because I don't know what it is.

What kind of episode is this? I have no formal diagnosis besides depression and anxiety, but I've been told I have (and told I don't have) bipolar 2, BPD, and schizoaffective. I also have chronic derealization and depersonalization. I'm not on any medication and am between therapists (again).

Every so often, maybe once a month or so, I go into this odd state. I kind of emotionally flatline- I don't feel anything, I don't respond to anything, I have flat affect in conversation (of which there is very little) and my facial features feel like they're made of stone. If I attempt to smile it feels unnatural and strange. I also don't make eye contact at all. I am antisocial and hate being around anyone, I don't even want them to look at me. I can't stand being touched. I feel heavy and like I'm moving extremely slowly and mostly just lay in bed on my computer.

I also dissociate very strongly and my perception of the world gets strange. This is one of those things that has symptoms that are really hard to explain, but I'll do my best. During these episodes I generally get obsessed with a motif- almost always stars and space or ghosts and graves, sometimes dark water. It's always something cold, distant, death-related. I will feel like I'm floating in space, or buried alive, or submerged in water. These are all phobias of mine, but during this time they have this disturbing sense of comfort to them. I generally mostly believe that I am dead. This sometimes leads to self harm, other times it staves it off because I'm already dead, what more can I do?

I usually have a very hard time believing the people talking to me are real. I often have a perception that I am a ghost, that my feet don't really touch the ground, that people look right through me, that my body is hollow and full of outer space and stars, that the room I'm in is the only thing in existence and everything outside is just empty space. The actual world will look even more distant and distorted than usual, which only makes it easier to believe what my brain feels. Everything feels wrong and untrue. I have brief moments where I blank out, so I'll end up holding something and not remember picking it up, or not remember standing up or opening a door. I also can just sit and zone out for a good period of time.

I am always aware that this is happening, there's always a tiny grip on reality somewhere, even if I can't see it. I often can tell that it's going to happen in the days leading up to it but there's never any specific trigger- although sometimes it happens after a stressful week. It will last anywhere from about 12 hours to 3 days and it takes me at least a week after to get back to a more normal headspace.

The psychologist who told me I had schizoaffective said she believed I went into catatonic psychosis at times, but I was under the impression that when you're in a psychosis you generally don't realize it. I recognize that you are not doctors and I will bring this up the next time I see someone, but I'm at the tail end of one of these episodes now and I am looking for ideas. Thank you.

This is really similar to the dissociation I experience when my depression gets really bad. I feel like I "fall into myself", like I'm looking through someone else's eyes and they're some kind of camera or something. It's weird, but once I can get rid of the anxiety and lessen the depression a little, the dissociation will calm down as well.

[eina]

Thank you for your replies.

It is true that my life is basically empty. I don't have hobbies or friends, I don't spend time with my family or go out in public. I'll have random days where I am suddenly really constructive and optimistic, but they are few and far between and ring false when they do happen. The chronic DPDR combined with social anxiety, lack of motivation and pleasure from the depression, self-loathing and unstable/unpredictable moods make it really hard for me to do much. I need a lot of recuperating time after doing anything social, even if it's just with my brother at home. The DPDR also prevents me from driving so even if I wanted to go somewhere I'd need to wait for someone to be able take me.

Because of the chronic DPDR nothing seems real to me, not even my family so it's hard to love them or feel much of anything towards them. I can't keep up with responsibilities or friendships because they're not real, there's no consequences and no real point to it. It's like it's all a Sims game, bad things may happen but the people involved aren't real so it never matters anyway. I'd say even on a good day when I wasn't in the middle of an episode I at most only half believe anything is really happening.

The funny part is that the things that do bother me and throw me into a tailspin are so miniscule- a bad haircut, a scratch on my keychain, the vent making a rattling noise while I'm trying to sleep. But then big things happen in my family- death of a cousin, family member's teenage pregnancy, sibling nearly losing their house, best friend gets married- and it just doesn't matter. I can't feel anything about it. I was such an overly empathetic, engaged child, I don't even recognize myself now.

I've been trying for over a year to find a therapist and a psychiatrist who can actually address my problems but everyone either sends me away because they don't know what to do with me or I have to drop them because they don't know either but prefer to flounder instead of admit it. This weekend I've actually had the unique experience of being turned down for an appointment over the phone because their coworker told them about my issues and they don't want to treat me. It's starting to feel like no one wants me to get better, like they're seeing if they can push me far enough to just outright snap.