There is only ONE question

It has taken me 47 years to figure this out. There is only one question, a really HUGE one: "Am I able to get my own needs met?"

It sounds simple, it sounds selfish, it sounds like a lot of things it isn't. Beyond The Question lies a whole landscape of personal details. Let's really parse this.

We each have individual needs - yours may not be mine. We also have needs in common to every human being. Some of those needs concern personal competency, safety, and individual power. Some of those needs are social needs, such as the need to give and receive love, to be accepted, to be able to negotiate, to be able to express ourselves freely, to understand others as well as ourselves. This is not selfish. So I ask you again, ask yourself, "Am I able to get my own needs met?"

After all the experiences you have had, good and bad, do you expect to be loved? Do you think you can love? Is the world a safe or threatening place for you? Do you make sense? Do others? Can you learn from a mistake, and gain control over your circumstances? Are you able to get all these needs met on your own, or do you constantly lean on others to do it for you? Do you put others' needs before your own too much? Conversely, do you think you have to go it alone, because it "is weak or futile to ever ask for help or reach out to anyone"? And, is the world trustworthy? How do you get your needs met if it isn't?

Do you see what I mean though? That one huge question underlies EVERYTHING!!! And we ultimately must get to the point where the answer, across all the multiple areas of our lives, is YES. It makes total sense when you start to blend all of our human needs together, to see how the pieces fit to make a whole person, a whole life experience, how we see ourselves and how we impact others.

"Am I" (do these feelings originate inside me, not you? YES. Do I have responsibility for them, then? YES)
"Able to get" (do I have the intelligence, capacity and right to affect my world? YES)
"My own needs" (can I do it myself, without totally relying on you? YES. Are these needs personal and valid, do I have the right to want them and stand up for them? YES.)
"Met?" (this implies finality, closure, security. Is there a way this can really happen? Do I expect, sooner or later, to succeed with a rational degree of effort? YES)

Don't you see how freeing and psychologically healthy it really is to be able to answer the question with YES!?

One more insight. We have a Genetic Self (our own individual set of impulses and preferences and default thought patterns), and we have a Learned Self (the sum of every experience we ever had). The two define who we are. The two need to cooperate, to mesh together in such a way as to make a whole, complete person without too many inner conflicts that cause distress and distorted thinking. What happens when they just don't operate in sync? Another useful question, which explains why the Big Question too often equals "No" for a lot of people. Think about it.

Very insightful! You have come a long way my friend! So good to see this!

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I'm in awe

That was quite thought provoking…

I have to say that this is something that I struggle with quite a bit. And I can't say that I can get (or know how to get) my needs met.

You asked so many questions, I don't want to bore people by answering them all, but I think it may be an interesting different perspective?

After all the experiences you have had, good and bad, do you expect to be loved? No. Do you think you can love? I think I can, but it will only be rejected; no one wants it. Is the world a safe or threatening place for you? Threatening. Do you make sense? Not at all. Do others? Sometimes I think they do and then I realize that they don't. Can you learn from a mistake, and gain control over your circumstances? Usually, yes. Are you able to get all these needs met on your own, or do you constantly lean on others to do it for you? At this point in my life I have to constantly lean on others…it's quite depressing. Do you put others' needs before your own too much? I can in some circumstances. Conversely, do you think you have to go it alone, because it "is weak or futile to ever ask for help or reach out to anyone"? I often feel like this as well. I have financial support while I'm in school, but I feel it's futile to ever ask for emotional support. And, is the world trustworthy? NO NO NO. And no. How do you get your needs met if it isn't? Through investing all my time in school/future career/games/books etc. and eventually I was to own cats because animals are much more capable of showing and accepting love than human beings.


"Am I" (do these feelings originate inside me, not you? YES. Do I have responsibility for them, then? YES) Ok, I agree with you here.
"Able to get" (do I have the intelligence, capacity and right to affect my world? I have the intelligence and maybe capacity, but not the right.)
"My own needs" (can I do it myself, without totally relying on you? NO. Are these needs personal and valid, do I have the right to want them and stand up for them? NO.)
"Met?" (this implies finality, closure, security. Is there a way this can really happen? Do I expect, sooner or later, to succeed with a rational degree of effort? MAYBE?)

And apologies for responding with my own thoughts if that wasn't welcome or appropriate...

Thanks for your responses, everyone. I posted this because it helps me take a shortcut through a lot of seemingly tangled thinking, and I wanted to share that.

I came up with this idea after trying different therapies, using CBT on myself, and reading a lot about psychology. I am hoping that it does cause other people to reflect on how they think, and examine their relationships with themselves and the broader world.

Thanks so much for sharing this insight with us.!

There are innfinite questions!Many unanswerable. I hate the fact that I'm so dependant. Am I lovable? damn right I am, why wouldn't I be? I hate that I'm always fearing' tomorrow' and don't really know why. ALWAYS too anxious I can never say or even feel that I'm intelligent, even google style-- b/c "the most we can know is that we know nothing" -einstein So that's what I believe.

Watch Catalina Ferro on YouTube. Anxiety group.

°◇° Shady °◇°

Nice On2 not sure I can answer the questions as well as you did.