[TomRiddle]

Hi guys. I typed all this up to "Ask" the professionals but it will not let me submit for some reason so I am posting here in hopes that someone will at least skim this and give me some direction.

I am very sure my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder*. Fortunately, her anger was never directed at her children and I never noticed it (except I remember she turned my sister and I against our dad) until our father had enough and divorced her when I was ~12. Then her anger and rage was focused on my sister and I. Finally, a couple years ago, my mom was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and after she started taking medication she became “normal” for the first time in ages. It was a huge relief. I was happy to have a family again and a year ago I moved home (I am now 23).

*Note on my mom. Though she was easy to set off, and I never noticed any pattern to what caused her to rage (she also definitely had attachment issues in line with BPD), she is not a risk taker or promiscuous. She drives slower than my grandma. Though there was one time I came home unexpectedly and found her drinking. That was really odd and bothered me. She was always been against alcohol, except 1 glass of wine on very rare occasion.

When I was about 20 I sort of “woke up” and realized that my life sucked. For years I had no hobbies and struggled to do homework (I still got good grades because I am pretty smart). Then I discovered and started battling my porn addiction (if you believe in that sort of thing) and after a couple years of no progress I finally started having some success and it also significantly relieved my depression and frequent thoughts of suicide. Over the next couple years I made even further strides to feeling better. Then about a month ago, a girl I really like, who I haven’t seen in a whole year reentered my life. And that did it. Complete mental relapse. I have never been able to make a move with a girl, I always get such bad anxiety thinking they’ll push me away and tell me “no” that I freeze. Even when I know she wants me to kiss her or put my arm around her or something. The only girls I have kissed were girls who kissed me. And still I was anxious.

After that, I first had really really bad anxiety that she wasn’t going to like me anymore. Then I had anxiety about other arbitrary things. Then I started alternating between anxiety and being depressed. My other symptoms have come back full bore also. Let me describe my day as it explains the weird moods/symptoms I have.

This morning I went to work at my office job and after a while started ruminating about how I hated my stupid coworkers and was doing more internet research to figure out what is wrong with me. I also could not focus on my work much. Then I went to the post office to mail a package and had a friendly chat with the teller. I immediately felt better. Then I went back to work and started feeling crappy again. After work I went to class and talked with the people I sit next to about our group project. Again I felt better and thought “wow I wasn’t thinking clearly earlier, there’s nothing wrong with me”. After class I was feeling good so I put on some exciting music in the car. Quickly I started to feel “too good” where I start to space out or disassociate. Now I am feeling ok, and don’t really “feel” like I have these issues, even though I know I do. Maybe I’ll read this tonight or tomorrow or next week and think “what was I thinking, those aren’t my issues, my issues are actually this…” I tend to change what I think often.

The past couple years I have been able to identify what causes problems like this and lessen them. Occasionally I would still miss that I was getting “too excited” and then reach critical mass and get road rage, or I purchase things I otherwise wouldn’t but for the most part I have had a good year. But now ever since I saw that girl these symptoms are back and I swing from mood to mood. I have also lost all interest in hobbies and while I don’t really want to be alone (being at home is the same as being alone as I have shut down on my family) but I don’t want to go out where there are other people.

Other symptoms:
I have had OCD since I was 13. If I am texting a girl I like and she takes longer than average to respond I immediately think “I said something stupid. She doesn’t like me anymore.” Even though I know that’s kind of ridiculous. I also sometimes experience this with friends I don’t text often, but it’s not nearly as bad. Also, ever since my symptoms have come back I have also lost all interest in things. I’m not interested in my card collection I was working on, I can’t get myself to do homework (sorry groupmates). I just sit on the couch and watch tv. Overall, I feel like I was a gifted child who was going places but then my mom went crazy and not I’m just a broken disappointment. I only had 1 gf and it was right after high school and a couple years later I noticed that I was the one with the problems and I did not treat her well. I also did the push pull thing where I wanted to be close to her but then I would freak out and push her away again. I talked to a therapist for a while in the past and I felt like he didn’t take my issues serious enough. Mainly because when I talked with him these thoughts were not as strong (as they never are when I am with others) and sometimes I would downplay them because I didn’t truly believe in them in the moment.
The thing that drives me crazy (well actually it all does) is that while I type this up I don’t really “feel” like it is real. I feel mostly fine and am just typing this from memory. But I know that tonight or tomorrow it will feel very real again. Tonight before bed I might have a panic attack over something unrelated. There have been a couple times over the years where I typed up something like this to ask online but I never posted because after I started typing I felt stupid. Another thing is that my friends do not know this about me. They think I am funny and a cool person. So, in conclusion, I don’t know what is wrong. I cannot even keep all my symptoms straight. Any help is appreciated.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, TomRiddle, and welcome to Psych Central! We folks here are not professionals, so we can just give you our laypeople's view.

Off hand, I don't see a "borderline personality disorder" sign lighting up from what you have said. We'll have to see what other folks think, though.

I suggest you go back into therapy now that you are more in touch with these feelings and concerns. I have found therapy to be very helpful. There's no reason to go through life feeling miserable, especially when we can work on the issues that make us feel that way. All the problems you mention can be helped.

What say you other folks here?

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by TomRiddle

Hi guys. I typed all this up to "Ask" the professionals but it will not let me submit for some reason so I am posting here in hopes that someone will at least skim this and give me some direction.

I am very sure my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder*. Fortunately, her anger was never directed at her children and I never noticed it (except I remember she turned my sister and I against our dad) until our father had enough and divorced her when I was ~12. Then her anger and rage was focused on my sister and I. Finally, a couple years ago, my mom was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and after she started taking medication she became “normal” for the first time in ages. It was a huge relief. I was happy to have a family again and a year ago I moved home (I am now 23).

*Note on my mom. Though she was easy to set off, and I never noticed any pattern to what caused her to rage (she also definitely had attachment issues in line with BPD), she is not a risk taker or promiscuous. She drives slower than my grandma. Though there was one time I came home unexpectedly and found her drinking. That was really odd and bothered me. She was always been against alcohol, except 1 glass of wine on very rare occasion.

When I was about 20 I sort of “woke up” and realized that my life sucked. For years I had no hobbies and struggled to do homework (I still got good grades because I am pretty smart). Then I discovered and started battling my porn addiction (if you believe in that sort of thing) and after a couple years of no progress I finally started having some success and it also significantly relieved my depression and frequent thoughts of suicide. Over the next couple years I made even further strides to feeling better. Then about a month ago, a girl I really like, who I haven’t seen in a whole year reentered my life. And that did it. Complete mental relapse. I have never been able to make a move with a girl, I always get such bad anxiety thinking they’ll push me away and tell me “no” that I freeze. Even when I know she wants me to kiss her or put my arm around her or something. The only girls I have kissed were girls who kissed me. And still I was anxious.

After that, I first had really really bad anxiety that she wasn’t going to like me anymore. Then I had anxiety about other arbitrary things. Then I started alternating between anxiety and being depressed. My other symptoms have come back full bore also. Let me describe my day as it explains the weird moods/symptoms I have.

This morning I went to work at my office job and after a while started ruminating about how I hated my stupid coworkers and was doing more internet research to figure out what is wrong with me. I also could not focus on my work much. Then I went to the post office to mail a package and had a friendly chat with the teller. I immediately felt better. Then I went back to work and started feeling crappy again. After work I went to class and talked with the people I sit next to about our group project. Again I felt better and thought “wow I wasn’t thinking clearly earlier, there’s nothing wrong with me”. After class I was feeling good so I put on some exciting music in the car. Quickly I started to feel “too good” where I start to space out or disassociate. Now I am feeling ok, and don’t really “feel” like I have these issues, even though I know I do. Maybe I’ll read this tonight or tomorrow or next week and think “what was I thinking, those aren’t my issues, my issues are actually this…” I tend to change what I think often.

The past couple years I have been able to identify what causes problems like this and lessen them. Occasionally I would still miss that I was getting “too excited” and then reach critical mass and get road rage, or I purchase things I otherwise wouldn’t but for the most part I have had a good year. But now ever since I saw that girl these symptoms are back and I swing from mood to mood. I have also lost all interest in hobbies and while I don’t really want to be alone (being at home is the same as being alone as I have shut down on my family) but I don’t want to go out where there are other people.

Other symptoms:
I have had OCD since I was 13. If I am texting a girl I like and she takes longer than average to respond I immediately think “I said something stupid. She doesn’t like me anymore.” Even though I know that’s kind of ridiculous. I also sometimes experience this with friends I don’t text often, but it’s not nearly as bad. Also, ever since my symptoms have come back I have also lost all interest in things. I’m not interested in my card collection I was working on, I can’t get myself to do homework (sorry groupmates). I just sit on the couch and watch tv. Overall, I feel like I was a gifted child who was going places but then my mom went crazy and not I’m just a broken disappointment. I only had 1 gf and it was right after high school and a couple years later I noticed that I was the one with the problems and I did not treat her well. I also did the push pull thing where I wanted to be close to her but then I would freak out and push her away again. I talked to a therapist for a while in the past and I felt like he didn’t take my issues serious enough. Mainly because when I talked with him these thoughts were not as strong (as they never are when I am with others) and sometimes I would downplay them because I didn’t truly believe in them in the moment.
The thing that drives me crazy (well actually it all does) is that while I type this up I don’t really “feel” like it is real. I feel mostly fine and am just typing this from memory. But I know that tonight or tomorrow it will feel very real again. Tonight before bed I might have a panic attack over something unrelated. There have been a couple times over the years where I typed up something like this to ask online but I never posted because after I started typing I felt stupid. Another thing is that my friends do not know this about me. They think I am funny and a cool person. So, in conclusion, I don’t know what is wrong. I cannot even keep all my symptoms straight. Any help is appreciated.

first of all let me state i am not a professional, so i can only give you my opinion from someone who has BPD and it is quite severe. from what i can tell
it does not appear to me that you or your mother have BPD. if i'm not mistaken the DSM lists 9 criteria to be diagnosed with BPD and a minimum of 5 to be diagnosed, in my case i meet all 9. the hallmark of BPD is a pattern of unstable, stormy relationships ( in my case i have been in 8, all failed) other criteria is a fear (weather real or imagined) of abandonment..which i suffer very much from, outburst or fits of rage/uncontrollable anger (hmmm..guilty of that too!) violent mood swings ( mine can change by the minute/hour sometimes several times in an hour based on what is happening around me..one wrong word can set me off) unsure sense of self, radically changing identity,goals friends or sexual orientation..i have changed goals and "identity" many times, impulsivity and risky behavior( self harming, including self injury) i have spent money recklessly many times, abused drugs and alcohol and engaged in risky sex& speeding as well, but binge eating also goes into this category. rapid changes in opinions of ones whom you are romantically involved with ( switching from idealization..almost like a worship to devaluation..a hatred if you will.) i have done this cycle with every single one of my girlfriends, ultimately pushing them away and breaking up with them only to feel lost and alone and wanting them back. feelings of intense emptiness & thoughts/threats of suicide and or self injury. i don't si but i have though of suicide on more than one occasion. i don't know if i got them all but that is kind of an overview, you can also take the BPD quiz and see how you score then talk to a professional to find out for sure..hope this helps

[TomRiddle]

Thanks for your thoughts guys! I'm glad to get an outside opinion as I obviously don't think completely clear when I get stuck in my mind.

Ps. You both get bonus points for reading my mega-post.