[Dude]

I am just wondering if anyone out there has the skill to move on from people. It seems like this family I know has it in their genes. They are all able to just move on without a second thought when it comes to relationships and friendships. I myself have a very hard time doing this and was wondering if there were tricks to it or if they just do it automatically and were born and grew up with it? I don't know. I think it would be wonderful to have though. Let me know if you have ideas how to get over people please.

[WendyE]

Hi There,

I know of people that have this "skill". My opinion is that it is a learned skill. For some people, it may be a way to protect themselves from being hurt. For others, it may be that they really don't care about other people as much as they care about themselves. For me, I'm like you. I have a hard time letting go of the people I get close to. When I care about someone, it seems I'll always care about them and that doesn't allow me to let go of them very easily. In the last few years I've had to force myself to let go of my best freind that I've had for over 20 years. She was like my right arm. She has always been such a big part of who I am. Every great once in a while we will talk on the phone just to catch up on each other. I just learned that we really weren't good for one another. Her jelousy with me caused her to do hurtful things to me so it was better that I back way off from her and love her from a distance. As you get older and wiser you may be able to pick up that kind of skill. To know what's good for you and what's not.

Love,
Wendy

[Thelema]

Dude...I think it's a mix...some people might "learn" how to get over others. I have never had any issues getting over people and usually do not give them a second thought when they're gone. In my case, I think I was born that way. I'm not sure how to give advice on it though.

<font color=blue> "Is it any wonder that my mind's on fire, in prisioned by the thought of what to do? Is it any wonder that my joke's a laugh, and the joke's on you." Blue Oyster Cult </font color=blue>

[LadyDragus]

it is not a skill,. persay, it is just something I have had to harden my heart to be able to do..


<font color=purple>
world.. You are no longer going to rule me.. "I" I am going to rule myself"

[Lexicon78]

Dude, I think this "skill" is probably something learned. I, unfortunately, don't have this ability, either. I'm going through a breakup and it seems like my ex has a heart of stone. She's moved on and I'm left in the dust. It hurts so darn bad that sometimes I just want to end it, but I wake up and smell the coffee, knowing she's not worth my life. Anyways, I hope that in time you can learn how to move on, as I wish this for myself, also.

Good luck!

[SeptemberMorn]

I agree with you, Lady D. I wouldn't necessarily call it a "skill." It's a hardening of the heart, a protective mechanism that I, too, have developed to a point. I've forced myself to not let it go too far because when you protect yourself from hurt, you'll also "protecting" yourself from at least some good times and the most, some memorable times, even a long lasting relationship. You just never know.

My oldest son does this. He calls it "cutting his losses." That really hurt me when he said that because I feel as if he might do that to me some day. To me, it means that he doesn't let anyone "in," ya know? To me, it adds up to "no heart." I'd prefer to say: "It's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all." But then... look who's talking. I've closed my heart to some relationships myself.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Dude]

Hum. Well. This is quite a lot to ponder. I'd like to further this thread a bit more if that is alright by asking people like SeptemberMorn how exactly you go about hardening your heart. I honestly have no idea how to do this. The current situation is that I am wide open to hurt. Like a guy in a arena against a huge gladiator with no armour or weapon. Bound to lose everytime. Please try to give me some tips on what I should think to myself and stuff. Thanks for all your posts.

[dexter]

I think a part of what SeptMorn is saying is that if you love someone, there is always a possiblity they will leave and that will hurt.

To the way to protect yourself from hurting is to be careful not to love anyone.

But if you do that, then you never get to love someone.

So there has to be a balance in there somewhere where you don't just go trust everyone willy-nilly, but you do open your heart to some people seeking the benefits of bonding with someone but also acknowledging the risk of having your heart broken. The trick is to minimize the hurt by chosing carefully and also accepting that sometimes, hurt is just a part of life. It isn't necessarily something that can always be avoided, nor even something that should always be avoided.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[SeptemberMorn]

Hardening of the heart comes from holding grudges, not accepting that someone had to move on, not accepting the fact that the relationship wasn't compatible, etc. It's not something I would recommend.

I agree with Dexter that you have to be careful who you trust your emotions and heart to. Just because one gets butterflies in their stomach when they see or hear from someone doesn't mean that it's "love." Just because you share many of the same things doesn't mean that you'll love that person.

It's not necessary to harden your heart. What is necessary is to be careful with it and not give it away easily.

When my husband and I separated, it hurt so bad that I made up my mind that I didn't want to love someone again because of the pain. I put up my walls to the point that no man would find me attractive. I wound up hurting myself in the process. I said I didn't want to go through all that "garbage" again... so why I did I take him back over a year ago? Maybe it was because I've learned a few things to keep myself from hurting. He still drives me nuts, though!

Dex, you're right on! You're getting to know me pretty well.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>