[SeptemberMorn]

It's happened again and I'm still confused, hurt and embarrassed. I'm embarrassed because I didn't handle a major button of mine being pushed in a way that it didn't upset many people. I'm confused because what happened with me is part and parcel of my illness and it went unrecognized; and I'm hurt because, in my perspective, very few of my friends here caught on to what was happening or they just withdrew completely from me.

It's a known fact, especially to me, that I come across very harsh in my writing. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I've studied my writing, tried to change the wording so that it doesn't sound so harsh, but to no avail. My son has the same writing style and it causes us a lot of unnecessary upset, but he and I have made a pact to not take things so seriously, accept the fact that this is the way it is. I know that doesn't cut any ice in a public place like this, but so help me, I don't know how to fix it. Maybe it's just that I tell it like it is, or better yet, I tell it like I see it; two different things. Maybe it's because I try to ignore things that bother me but I can only do it for so long and then it comes spewing forth in all it's glory. I don't know.

For what it's worth, as a way of explanation, I was having some problems in my personal life that I had been repressing. I wrote about them once but I don't remember getting any responses on it. I'm probably wrong about that, but "oh, well." I kept coming on to the board, in retrospect, in search of something to grab on to that would help what my subconscious was looking for. I needed something, but I didn't even know I was having a problem at the time. What came out later was that I was loosing control in my personal life. But because I was repressing the feelings of frustration and anger, I didn't know what I was looking for, much less was able to express it. I'm not even sure that the majority here would have had a solution... I'm not sure that anyone would have had the intestinal fortitude to shake me up a bit to get my eyes open. Keep in mind that what I'm posting are my "feelings," not "facts," ok?

However, there was one person that had me in her thoughts after this happened on the board and contacted me by PM asking me if I was okay and was I willing to discuss it with her. She intuitively knew that I had more than just a passing anger issue. For this, I'll be eternally grateful to her. She took my hand and pulled me out of a hole I didn't even know I was in at the time. I wish I could be more like her. I would tell you who my heroine is, but I haven't passed it by her yet and I don't want to embarrass her, so I'll save it until a later time, unless of course, she wants to accept her "metal of valor" on her own.

Anyway, I miss you all and I want to come back if you'll have me. (That is really, really difficult for me to say, BTW.)

And for the record: I've said before that if I am criticized about something, I'll check it out to see if there is any truth in it. Here's one result:

<TABLE WIDTH="300" BGCOLOR="" BORDER="0"><TR><TD><FONT FACE="Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, Sans Serif" SIZE="4" COLOR="">Level III: You Display Certain Narcissistic Traits
</FONT><FONT FACE="Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, Sans Serif" SIZE="2" COLOR="">Congratulations, you clearly have some Narcissistic traits. The good news is that you're spending your time taking tests like this to find out what's wrong with you. If you're young and are willing to really work at it, you might one day be able to develop into full blown NPD.</FONT></TD></TR><TR><TD VALIGN=TOP ALIGN=right bgcolor="white"><FONT FACE="verdana, helvetica, arial" COLOR=darkblue SIZE=1>"personality assessment" is available here
***starXtest v2.0***</TD></TR></TABLE>

Well, I'm certainly not young and my road leads upward, so thank God I won't be developing full blown Narcissist Personalty Disorder. In fact, I'm going to do research on the subject and see how I can remove those tendencies in my personality.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Peanut61]

....((((((((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))))... I, for one, am really glad to see you back!!!! XOXO, Jillers

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jillers}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you, Hun. Even through our rough spots, I can always count on you.



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

Tomi, you know how much you mean to me. Such a special, loving person who I am very much in sync with.........two peas.........lol.

I have missed you - been having major personal issues as well, but I think about you often.

Welcome home, {{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mary Alice

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you, Sweetie. I think of you often, too.

You know you can always PM me if you need to vent or talk things through, ok? I'm much better now so it won't be any added pressure.

Please, take care of YOU!



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[dexter]

SeptMorn I am glad you are posting again, I would have been upset if you had gone away.

Things happen, people get past it, after a while people don't even think about it anymore. Your history of helping and kindness here are what people remember, so don't overthink it too much.

I hope you realize that my "stepping back" was not in judgement of anyone, I just wanted to let it pass so we could "get back to normal here." After a few early posts I realized that any post, constructive or not, was just pushing things further along. I would have PM'd you if I knew you better. I hadn't suspected that you had some personal things going on at the time. At a few points I was going to PM you anyway, but I never had the guts before everything settled down anyway.

As far as I'm concerned you can take that bag off of your head (cute smilie though!) and join back in... from my point of view it is not as if you left and had to "reapply" now or anything. I'm just glad you are OK and recognizing and working on the things in your personal life that are stressful. This is a "safe" place and I don't think you need to explain or apologize or even ask for your way "back." You are a member here and we have to accept each other as we are even if the road is occasionally bumpy, so there is no need to feel embarrased or afraid. You won't be welcomed "back" by me because you are, you always have been, and you always will be welcome in my eyes. Sometimes we're all just in for a bumpy night!

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I never felt that you had abandoned me. You had your say and that was enough. I understand completely, that's why I felt comfortable PMing you.

This is a safe place? Is it my Narcissism speaking or am I the main one that causes "turbulance." You can be honest. Every little bit of constructive critizism helps.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[inkblot]

We all come here for support, ideas and sweet, caring friendship. We all have different lives, moods and problems, but one thing that we all share in common is the want and need for acceptance and respect. With such a diverse population around here, it's going to be hard to please everybody all of the time. As long as we try, anything is possible. I love too see you all post your ideas. I hate to see anyone leave these forums. This is such a wonderful place and the best group of people. Sometimes there can be rough spots, but that just gives us a chance to practice our compassion and understanding. There is always a postive to everything. I loved reading your post tonight....please keep it up. You may not have been sure about it at the time you posted, but in your heart and all of ours, we are sure. We all care about you!

[Dorian]

((((((((((((((((((( 4 Sept. Morn )))))))))))))))))))
Need I Say More . . .Ben : )

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Inkblot,}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} thank you so much. I read your post last night but felt I had to do some thinking about what you said. I'm a little clearer on it now. You're right. I appreciate your thoughts. We can't always be on one end or the other, can we? Sometimes we can give, sometimes we need to receive. You've given understanding and acceptance and I'm certainly going to accept them!

When I was in therapy, the word "dichotomy" came up several times. Now, I don't remember if my T and I were faced with one, or if she said I was one. Maybe both? I'm still feeling like maybe I'm at the point of decision. Is that "on the horns of a dilema"? Oh, man! I'm going to talk circles around myself this morning! LOL I hope you get the picture, 'cause I'm gonna stop right now before I get too dizzy chasing my tail! LOLOL

At any rate, you have a couple of words to chew on for a bit.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

No, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ben,}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} you don't need to say a word. Thanks for the hugs. Love 'em!

(Thinking "enigma." You? Me? Mine? Ours? Maybe if I took the time to get to know you, that big word wouldn't be floating around in my head, eh? )



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[LMo]

Sept - I haven´t really been around much lately, but my personal opinion is that you have a very warm heart and have helped a LOT of people here, including me. I am very grateful that I have met you.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, Hun. I really appreciate your vote of confidence. Makes me feel better about some things.



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>