[Birds of a Feather]

(NOTE: I wanted to post this here-- versus the loss/grieving forum-- as I wanted to get a broad response, and not just a response from those currently suffering from a loss or are grieving.)

If you were at a cemetery to visit a loved one you had lost previously and a stranger walked up to you, handed you a rose (with a short/sweet poem or other verbiage attached), smiled, and walked away, what would be your response?

This seems like a random question, but I have something community service related in mind.

[unaluna]

Is the flower for me? Am i supposed to leave it at the grave? My dad's cemetery has rules about leaving stuff around - you have to pay extra to have someone clean up the site. People used to hide drugs in rose petals to hide that they were sniffing them. Sorry to be such a downer, but no i would not want a stranger coming up to me at such a private emotional place.

[Birds of a Feather]

Originally Posted by hankster

Is the flower for me? Am i supposed to leave it at the grave? My dad's cemetery has rules about leaving stuff around - you have to pay extra to have someone clean up the site. People used to hide drugs in rose petals to hide that they were sniffing them. Sorry to be such a downer, but no i would not want a stranger coming up to me at such a private emotional place.

Thanks for the response! I was thinking about your last sentence before I posted this. The flower would be for whatever you wanted.

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by Birds of a Feather

(NOTE: I wanted to post this here-- versus the loss/grieving forum-- as I wanted to get a broad response, and not just a response from those currently suffering from a loss or are grieving.)

If you were at a cemetery to visit a loved one you had lost previously and a stranger walked up to you, handed you a rose (with a short/sweet poem or other verbiage attached), smiled, and walked away, what would be your response?

This seems like a random question, but I have something community service related in mind.

I answered other because I might be touched AND confused. While this sounds like a caring and touching thing to do for people, the more I think about it the more I think I would find it intrusive. I rarely go to cemeteries to remember ones who've died. I prefer to think of them during daily events that remind me of them. If I make a trip to the cemetery it's for a specific reason. I think I would resent someone intruding.

a side comment about the note attached to the rose - call me a cynic, but my first thought would be that the person was trying to push a religious tract on me. I would find that highly offensive.

[Birds of a Feather]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

I answered other because I might be touched AND confused. While this sounds like a caring and touching thing to do for people, the more I think about it the more I think I would find it intrusive. I rarely go to cemeteries to remember ones who've died. I prefer to think of them during daily events that remind me of them. If I make a trip to the cemetery it's for a specific reason. I think I would resent someone intruding.

a side comment about the note attached to the rose - call me a cynic, but my first thought would be that the person was trying to push a religious tract on me. I would find that highly offensive.

Thank you for your input! I am able to see both sides to this, so it is a difficult thing to consider. Also, the note would be 100% religion free, as I am not religious and am very sensitive to the fact that different people share different views.

[Silent Void]

Confused.

[healingme4me]

Touched and appreciative.

[nicoleb2]

When I go to the cemetery, it is a very emotional time for me and I prefer to be left alone.
Grief is such an individual thing, I think you could probably run into any number of responses.
Perhaps you could come up with something would still be touching to those grieving, but not necessarily individually like that?

Angry and annoyed. My grief is my own personal space and strangers are NOT welcome.

[lizardlady]

I wish I could change my vote. The more I think about this the more I think I'd feel the person was intruding on a very personal time. I might be angry about them intruding on my time.

For what it's worth I asked a couple of friends this question today. They both said they would find it creepy and intrusive.

[Nina Simone]

Touched and Appreciative

[ChipperMonkey]

Touched and Appreciative. I'd see it as a kind gesture, nothing less and nothing more.

I would be left with too many questions and feel uneasy, wondering what was their intention etc. If it was someone I knew, different story, but for a random stranger I would think it is not any of their business to come near me at a grave site.

[SnakeCharmer]

I would find it intrusive. People in deep grief don't even want strangers looking at them, much less coming up and handing them flowers. When you're standing by a loved one's grave you don't exactly want anyone observing your emotion.

It might be good to reconsider this community service project. If the idea is to spread around some random acts of kindness the first goal would be to act kindly. It's not kind to intrude on someone's deeply personal moment of loss and sorrow.

It would be better to hand out flowers, minus the note, at the entrance or exit of the cemetery. Or better yet, hand out flowers to random residents of nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Or new socks and dollar bills to homeless people on skid row. Leave people visiting the graves of loved ones alone in their silent prayer, meditation and communication.

[ifst5]

I'd feel put upon and uncomfortable to be honest - a churchyard is no place to impose upon someone.

More to the point; we don't know specifically why people attend such places, to presume that it's due to a personal loss isn't wise. Someone could be visiting on behalf of someone else etc so to hand them flowers or notes or whatever would only serve to embarrass them i should think.

Better for acts of kindness to be more impersonal - i agree with an above poster about offering flowers at points around the church and other such ideas.

[Birds of a Feather]

SnakeCharmer, it was merely an idea, not a project.

[SnakeCharmer]

Birds of a Feather, I commend you a great deal for offering the idea up for people's opinions and experience and also to brainstorm the idea with you. That takes fortitude. So, although I don't like that particular idea much, I like your style very much! You did good.

[Raindropvampire]

Angry and annoyed. I almost never visit graves because I choose to remember my loved ones at home. If I go it's because I have to so will already be annoyed. Plus some stranger walking up to me in a graveyard would just be creepy and probably make me want to punch them. Grief is private, why would anyone be so rude as to intrude on someone in a private moment?

[shezbut]

I would be confused and uncomfortable.

I would feel very uncomfortable by the invasion of my grieving & I'd be in a different state of mind...which would make me confused as to why this person approached me in such an intimate moment. I wouldn't like that.

[Fresia]

If they were truly trying to be altruistic, I would hope I would be big enough to try to understand and be appreciative for the sentiment; however, at the same time, I would very much feel intruded upon and it would feel creepy as mentioned above. It is such a personal time and an invasion of privacy.

[Birds of a Feather]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Birds of a Feather, I commend you a great deal for offering the idea up for people's opinions and experience and also to brainstorm the idea with you. That takes fortitude. So, although I don't like that particular idea much, I like your style very much! You did good.

Thank you.

[hamster-bamster]

I think this would vary tremendously depending on when the person died - a week ago or 20 years ago. At least avoid fresh graves with this project

[BluCrystal]

I have done this. It always just makes me miss them, think harder about them, and feel sad that they are no longer here, where I can tell them I love them, spend some more time with them...